Narcisism!

Steel_2

ellas9602 wrote: »

She (mum) had planned a girly night out and basically spent all day getting ready for it going on and on about her nails and all the men that fancied her (she's 52!). Kids said it brought back horrible memories of her talking about men and making them talk to men (from chatlines) when they were little.

This brings back memories for me.

Father (66) always goes on about other women.

How getting married and having kids ruined his life.

How he had lots of other women around him.

How he wished he'd played the field.

How he could have had any women he wanted because he was so good looking.

How he can have any women he wants because he's still 'got it'.

How the women in the shop was eying him up the other day.

How the young girls in Tesco were flirting with him.

Obsessed with watching films with sex in them and rerunning those bits.

Talking about sex and who is doing it.

Asking people in car boot sales if they've got any dirty films they're hiding in the back of their car.

Trying to get me to give him advice about his impotence problem instead of going to the GP because I used to work in a lab.

**shudder**

scottish_lassy

I was brought up in a single parent family by a narcissist. This was really frightening for my sister and I as we didn't know what each day would bring. Rages, blame, fault and she was always sicker than anyone else - dying more often than not (our fault ofcourse). All this whilst at the same time being charm personified to anyone else who would listen to her 'poor me' woes. No-one would have believed us until she got older and those who worked with her started getting the same treatment. She could always, very cleverly pick on your weakest point and use that as her basis for manipulation.

After her rages, we always had to be the ones to apologise (now, I don't know what for - lack of consideration, not treating her as number 1 etc). Anyway a number of years ago, I decided I would not go and apologise and wait for her to come to me (which now I realise she would never do as that is a sign of weakness) - after 16 yrs I finally got a phone call - from the hospital to inform me she had died. No contact is the only way to deal with narcissists as you will always be at fault - damned if you do, damned if you don't. They will never change. I have no regrets as I managed to protect my daughter from the continuing abuse.

The impact on my adult life is immense. I cannot trust, my sister and I can't have a normal relationship as we were always played off against each other and I am always trying to 'read' people so that I can adapt my behaviour accordingly to pacify them.

My advice to anyone with a narcissist in their lives - GET RID - they will bleed you!

meritaten

My MIL didnt go in for Diva rages - she preferred to paint herself as the quiet unassuming victim. She didnt go in for direct abuse either - she preferred to stick the knife in behind your back or if she did it in front of you - would make it sound like she was being nice! you really had no cause for complaint - if you did you would just be confirming what she said about you. a VERY devious woman.
for example - My OHs nephew was killed while serving in the military overseas, he was only nineteen and of course as soon as we heard we went to see my BIL taking MIL with us. naturally, everyone was upset and crying, so was MIL - in fact she was wailing and keening. ok, we then took her home feeling that she was making things worse as nephews parents still seemed to be in shock and we could see that they didnt want to cope with her - the house was full and people were coming and going.
unfortunatly it took two weeks before the body was returned home then another week before the funeral as it was enormous and he was buried with full military honours etc. My sis in law and I were back and forth down MILs and over BILS and we both offered to take her with us - but she refused, offering to mind the kids instead. I didnt think too much of this until me and sis-in-law walked into the MILs one day to hear her say to a group of her cronies 'I just want to put my arms around Jeff (BIL) and give him a big hug (voice choked with tears) but of course I cant get over there and I have to mind the kids so the Boys (her two other sons - one of which I was married to and the other my sis-in-law was married to) can go'! SIL looked at me and said 'for chrissakes she is glorying in this'! we turned and walked back out. we had both noticed that she seemed to relish describing how he was killed, and how SHE felt as his grandmother and how she had brought him up (strange that, as he never lived with her and they lived about twentyfive miles away). how close they were and how she was his favourite and the attention he paid her. (NOT, he didnt really know her very well).
Of course she had a lot of attention over this and was brought cards and flowers by the friends and neighbours. I hate to say this but I am sure that she didnt go back to BILs because she didnt get the attention she thought she deserved, and was whisked away by me and OH too quickly. I did however, say to her that I thought she was distraught and would take her home give her a sedative and put her to bed. I overheard her telling her friends she was so overcome by grief we had to sedate her - but I did that wrong, as apparently I have her too much as she slept so deeply she missed some phone calls! see? another dig - but she didnt actually have a sleeping tablet! I forgot it!
so, dont be fooled by the quiet mouselike ones - they too can be narcissists - they go about matters in a different way, but you will still end up wondering how the heck you have managed to be in the wrong again!

lostinrates

Louise22 wrote: »

Oh dear some of these traits sound like me in a way which is bl00dy awful

Me too at times. I also recognise my mother and sister and maternal grandmother in the descriptions. I guess we inherited iy I'm trying very hard not to turn into my mother (and both she and my sister did have some pretty genuinely frightful things happen which could screw anyone up).
eta: is it not a bit scary and sort of ironic that people -including me-are pinpointing others they've had horrid relationships with as having this problem?

meritaten

lostinrates wrote: »

Me too at times. I also recognise my mother and sister and maternal grandmother in the descriptions. I guess we inherited iy I'm trying very hard not to turn into my mother (and both she and my sister did have some pretty genuinely frightful things happen which could screw anyone up) but sometimes the learnt behaviour creeps in.

if you recognise these traits in yourself - you are not a narcissist - you are human! at some point we all need to feel special, and want to be the centre of attention (why perfectly normal women turn into bridezillas when planning the wedding). The problem with narcissists is that they spend thier whole lives like this! they also dont take into account other peoples feelings........either they dont realise other people have them - or THEIR feelings take precedence. YOURS dont count.
Yes, it can be a gray area - but the real narcissist will cleverly play on your weak points - they make you out to be the villain and you will not only wonder why - but wonder if you are! and if you really dont know your enemy - you will be convinced you are and find yourself apologising!
you may have the impression I knew my MIL was a narcissist from the beginning - I didnt - I just knew that somehow no matter what I did and how 'nice' MIL was I was hearing from my SILs that I was messing up! but told by them not to worry - they messed up too! talk about hard to please! yet she came across as such a sweety! then I started an OPEN UNIVERSITY course and majored in psychology - but it was another student who clued me in on narcissism. she had lots of questions about her MIL she wanted to talk about during a tutorial - and as I listened so the penny dropped!
I read up on it - and realised what I was dealing with. it took a couple of major events (the death of my FIL was one - the SIL I mention already knew something was wrong with her (MIL) but I told her what I thought and she agreed with me) and our strategy for dealing with her was to simply let her think she was the centre of attention - and not to worry about what the neighbours and friends thought! not easy when you live in a village!
When you cannot walk away - the only way we could think of to deal with her was to let her think she was the star of the show - that our only aim was her happiness and shamelessly lie if need be!

CRH71

Hey! Superb. This thread's back.

Thanks Meritaten.

Reading this new thread bought back memories of the old one, which I enjoyed participating in. I have to say, this thread still reminds me of my OH, though..........

meritaten

CRH71 wrote: »

Hey! Superb. This thread's back.

Thanks Meritaten.

Reading this new thread bought back memories of the old one, which I enjoyed participating in. I have to say, this thread still reminds me of my OH, though..........

as this a resurrection and we dont have the old one to refer to - feel free to post your story!

Violetta_2

So glad I haven't experienced the hell a lot of you have. My MIL is mild in comparison. On Xmas eve she told me (not for the first time) that my daughter was the only reason she hadn't killed herself (why did they get rid of the rolleyes smiley??).
1 of the thing's that bug's me is she attends a local cancer care centre, she get's counselling, relaxation treatments & goodness know's what else, this is all because her husband died of cancer 9 year's ago. Am I terrible for thinking that after this length of time this vital resource should be for other people, perhaps who are going through cancer just now or have more recently lost someone.
I sometimes think she is going to wish cancer on herself, several times a year she has a scare,finds a lump or some other symptom that needs investigating. These often coincide with us doing something, like going away on holiday, or getting married. It may sound nasty but we really don't bother any more. my oh say's she's crying wolf. It's always "poor me".

Ma_Boswell

This thread is so helpful! I had never heard of Narcissism as a mental condition before and suddenly a lot of things have become clearer - like my MILs behaviour throughout my marriage . She was the seemingly sweet put-upon type who always let others do her dirty work - oh the furious phone calls from my SIL if MIL had looked after my boys - they would have behaved appallingly according to her, but she never told us, just called SIL as soon as we left. After my ex-husband died she used to take his photo to church and place it on the seat next to her- this went on for months ...it really upset a lot of people especially as she pretty much threw him out at 15 so she could marry her second husband and he never truly got over the abandonment - i remember thinking at the time she was almost revelling in the situation and that it was odd.

Steel_2

Does anyone else's narcissist use money to try and control them?

My father is forever trying to push money and things on to me without asking. He does it all the time and some of the stuff is just absolute rubbish, and he knows it. If I refuse it it gets symbolically burned or smashed up with a sledgehammer.

I've been disinherited (apparently) for not doing what I was told.

I've been offered money to change my mind and have children.

I was offered money not to get married. Apparently i shouldn't get married just to be able to live cheaply (???).

And he's constantly talking about how I should be working much longer hours for more money until my health breaks and then my work will give me sick pay until I recover.

The man's a nutter.