Narcisism!

bratz81

you know, I missed this the first time around, but I could swear my mother displays some of those traits.
I also knew she had some negative traits but didn't realise there was a name for them if you get me. Mind you she has a lot of other flaws too and has managed to alienate everyone but her sister who is basically the same.
I just can't take it any more and haven't had contact with her in about a year or two now. And my mental health is so much better for it.

*BigBird*

This describes my DH's ex to a tee! When they were together she even had him go for counselling to deal with his inability to express his feelings. He is perfectly capable of expressing his feelings - she just refused to accept that he was unhappy in their relationship and that her behaviour was the cause.

When we announced that I was pregnant last year she even tried to make that about her, spouting off about how she'd lost a baby and had missed her chance to be a mum, but really hoped our baby would be OK! I obviously feel sorry for her having lost a baby, but found it odd how she'd never felt the need to tell anyone about it before...

meritaten

Narcissists (I think I spelt it right for a change) display a rather long list of character traits- and depending on the degree of narcissism may have a few or nearly ALL of them! The worst cases may be almost Sociopathic in nature.
The main difference is that the narcissist Does have feelings and is capable of love - it may not be love as we know it, but its definately love.

a poster asked 'can they recognise that they are narcissists'? the short answer is NO.
you see, they are never wrong! so how can anything be wrong with them? YOU on the other hand will be 'too judgemental', 'too thin skinned' , 'too quick to take offence' or you simply 'misunderstood them'!

They very neatly turn all their OWN character traits back on you!

jacflash

Glad to see this topic being discussed here - forewarned is forearmed, knowledge is power, and all that.

I had the misfortune of working for a narcissist. He was charm itself initially, confident, charismatic and seemingly modest. After gradually building me up and drawing me in, he turned on me overnight and despite my having worked closely with him for a number of years, became unrecognisable to me. It was scary. I've since found out that he has an incredibly high turnover of staff and there is a pattern: employees start off thinking they have the world's best boss, but there inevitably comes a point when the mask slips. He's had to pay out thousands in constructive dismissal claims.

The characteristics of narcissism have already been outlined earlier in this thread; I'd just add that narcissts feel very empty inside, hate spending time alone, and seek out others to reflect them, so that they "see" themselves in other people's responses to them. If people start to see through them and they no longer like the reflection that "mirror" provides, they devalue and discard them, moving on to find new sources of affirmation. Often they have few friends.

The origins of the word are interesting: Narcissus is a figure from Greek mythology who was beautiful, loved praise and attention and felt himself superior to all others. He was loved by the wood nymph, Echo, but scorned her as not worthy of him. She died of grief but her voice remained. The Gods decided to teach Narcissus a lesson about how it feels to love and not be loved back, and made him fall in love with his own reflection in water. He too died, and all that remained was a flower, the narcissus.

As has been said, if you encounter a narcissist - run, don't walk. And don't look back!

Violetta_2

Good news re the "not strictly moneysaving" post.
I think I mentioned before that I suspected my MIL may be a narcissist amongst many thing's she turned up at the maternity unit, trying to get into the labour suite telling the midwives she was my mum, strange as she had died 4 yrs previously. A week later my daughter got whisked back into hospital (scibu?) as she wasn't feeding & we finally named her as I couldn't bear her returning to hospital without a name. MIL turned up at the unit (understandable) but she wasn't allowed in, oh went out to speak to his mum let her know what was going on & also that we had given dd a name, her middle name was my mum's name. the 1st word's out of her mouth were "How can I compete with a dead grandmother.
I've put up with her rubbish for year's, had enough of it at Xmas told her a few home truth's & we haven't spoken since then. It has been bliss. DD & OH still see her but I just make myself scarce, not sure how this will develop but so far over 6 month's of peace.

mumcoll

My mum fits the description. She has moved house 30 times in 30 years (At the last count). Pattern is: Moves in, LOVES the neighbours, then when they don't conform to her way (whatever it is), she falls out with them and moves again. Repeat.

She has now exhausted any equity in her properties and lives in a Local Authority property. As for playing people off against each other. she is the master!

Steel_2

Violetta wrote: »

I also that we had given dd a name, her middle name was my mum's name. the 1st word's out of her mouth were "How can I compete with a dead grandmother.
I've put up with her rubbish for year's, had enough of it at Xmas told her a few home truth's & we haven't spoken since then. It has been bliss. DD & OH still see her but I just make myself scarce, not sure how this will develop but so far over 6 month's of peace.

My father pulls stunts like this all the time.

When I told him my husband's father had just been diagnosed with a permanent and what would be eventually fatal blood cancer his first words were " I think I've got something like that. Look, I've got a lump on my leg. Your mother thinks it's a sebaceous cyst but I know better."

Absolutely no recognition of the impact or enormity of what I'd just revealed. My husband just walked off in disgust and hasn't said much to him since.

I find the hardest thing is when people say: "Well you know, no-one has perfect parents. You have to forgive them for the mistakes they made when you were a child."

It's not just when I was a child. Narcisissts pull this sh*t day in day of their lives. It only stops when they die.

The manipulation and the control tactics that an army general would be proud of.

The terrifying rages when they don't get their own way or when they want something they think they won't get (they can snap out of the rage in an instant and be radiant smiles and laughs)

The nosiness and snooping to find out your business (my father will see something we've bought, go home and ring round shops to find out how much we've paid for it or try to go find our financial papers if he visits our house and is left alone for any length of time)

The lies they tell people: "I can't go to the barbecue as my wife has cancer and I'm her main carer (my mother had cancer 20 years ago and recovered fine), "My daughter is unemployed" (I have a job, it's just not what he wanted me to do so in his mind I'm unemployed), "XXX said you were a stupid !!!!! that married beneath you" No, that's what you think.

The 'standards and morals' they insist on imposing on others but never live up to themselves (I've seen him thieving from a charity shop and stalls at car boot sales before)

The sulks, the silences (hallelujah - peace and quiet for a few months)

The attention-seeking that ruins every family event.

Rewriting history (he tries to write himself into events he was never at and write himself out of others or change what conversations were had or who was there).

It's like death by a thousand cuts and it goes on day after day after day after day.

For my own sanity I've had to emotionally divorce myself from both my parents - but especially my father. The slightest opening in conversation and he's in there on the attack or with an insult or self-absorbed insensitive comment immediately. I will not be alone with him any more. I will not be alone with my parents any more because my mother is so downtrodden she will either not stand up for herself or her children, or will try to curry favour with him by joining in an attack.

Nasty, manipulative, evil people. Run far away. Even if they are your family.

If anyone says you need counselling and you need to get over it and have a relationship with them, run away from them to. People who have normal families simply don't get the level of nastiness a narcissist can generate to their own family (or property as they like to think they are - my father once wondered out loud what age my husband might die at so he could get his property back looking after him and paying attention to him - the property he was referring to was me)

There is no equitable or pleasant relationship with a narcissist and you'll just end up in a cycle of abuse. They love weakness in others so they can manipulate and exploit it.

I guarantee the guilt at cutting contact with them (and the guilt they will try and generate by any means possible to get you back) will fade in time as you get stronger and you begin to enjoy your life and enjoy your freedom.

FatVonD

Was that the thread where somebody posted the URL for http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/ ?

That website made a whole lot of things fall into place for me!

Steel_2

That's a good website!

At the bottom of one page there is a quote:

"You want to know how to judge when your Narcissistic Mother thinks you've done well?

Wait for the resulting nastiness. And remember it's her special way of saying, "Great job!"

Fellow Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother

That is so true!

On my wedding day, my father was absent completely until 45 minutes before the ceremony at 3pm. He turned up whistling nonchalantly (hoping we were going frantic I assume - in fact I had another 'dad' in the wings waiting to take his place if he didn't show), got dressed, walked into the kitchen at 2:30-ish while I standing there in my dress, opened my microwave door and said "Your microwave is filthy, you should be ashamed of yourself." Then walked out of the house and sat in the car complaining about the leg room.

Perfectly timed and done deliberately to make me feel bad. I didn't. i knew him too well. I now know for him to have tried something so ridiculous as comment on a microwave, I must have looked pretty smokin"!!!!

Where was my mother in all of this? Apparently in her sister's hotel room across town catching up as she hadn't seen her for a few months. Thank God I had my best friend there to help me get dressed.

I've never known either of my parents to support me before an important event in my life. They're just too busy preening themselves, dressing themselves and generally admiring themselves.

building_with_lego

Steel, whenever you post about your father I am fascinated and horrified at the same time. I think you are astonishing to have emerged as rounded and balanced as you have!