Ex has disappeared off the face off the earth.....what do I tell the kids? UPDATED !!

zzzLazyDaisy

DUTR is right. The law requires an absent father to contribute towards his child's upkeep according to his means. The law does not require (and has no way to enforce) contact between a child and a father who does not wish to maintain contact.

The fact that this abandonment can cause untold grief and heartache for the child can have enormous knock-on effects in other areas of the child's life (behaviour, schooling, ability to form relationships, and so on) is clearly never going to be high on the agenda of a parent who is determined to walk away from his child and start a new life.

Sadly the law has no way of resolving this issue, and it is left to the remaining family members to ensure that the child feels loved and secure in the family group that the child is raised within.

So, in my view, there is little point in the PWC expending pointless energy trying to force/persuade the father to have contact with the child when he clearly does not feel the necessary emotional attachment to the child. Yes, by all means make it clear that the child wants and needs his father, and make sure that the father knows his continuing involvement is wanted - but if that doesn't work, then the best thing to do is to focus that energy on boosting the child's self esteem and security so as to limit as far as possible the damaging effects of the father's behaviour.

In law the interests of the child is paramount. Sadly the same doesn't apply to a father who consciously removes himself from his child's life.

Nara

Dear me, no wonder this country is in such a mess with parents that think like you.

I can;t even begin to imagine never seeing my daughter again, I just couldn't do it...what ever happened to loving your children??

I guess your lucky you don't feel ashamed or have any guilt about not seeing your children, they might as well be dead huh? and it would make no difference to you apart from you would be better off as you wouldn't have to pay and run as you call it.

All I can say is poor children, no matter if they have a stepfather or not, I'm sure they still want to see their real daddy like the OP's children do, unless you are a complete loser ofc.

AmandaD28

DUTR wrote: »

It does not matter if the children agree or not, if ever they want to ask why I was not keeping in touch then I can simply answer as to why.
But there is no point many of you staying in denial about what the other party may or may not be thinking.
I remember my child's mum writing a letter , it simply was tossed into the bin, something for the OP to consider

Says more about you than it does me to be honest ! Like I stated earlier my dad was always there for me as a child. No amount of money could have replaced him had he disappeared he taught me what being a dad meant and that was invaluable really I suppose it depends on your priorities clearly his was his children your's and my exes are not I suppose despite the fact that I wholly disagree with you with every bone in my body you are honest about it.

AmandaD28

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

DUTR is right. The law requires an absent father to contribute towards his child's upkeep according to his means. The law does not require (and has no way to enforce) contact between a child and a father who does not wish to maintain contact.

The fact that this abandonment can cause untold grief and heartache for the child can have enormous knock-on effects in other areas of the child's life (behaviour, schooling, ability to form relationships, and so on) is clearly never going to be high on the agenda of a parent who is determined to walk away from his child and start a new life.

Sadly the law has no way of resolving this issue, and it is left to the remaining family members to ensure that the child feels loved and secure in the family group that the child is raised within.

So, in my view, there is little point in the PWC expending pointless energy trying to force/persuade the father to have contact with the child when he clearly does not feel the necessary emotional attachment to the child. Yes, by all means make it clear that the child wants and needs his father, and make sure that the father knows his continuing involvement is wanted - but if that doesn't work, then the best thing to do is to focus that energy on boosting the child's self esteem and security so as to limit as far as possible the damaging effects of the father's behaviour.

In law the interests of the child is paramount. Sadly the same doesn't apply to a father who consciously removes himself from his child's life.

I know completely that you are right and the law is not on my side, I also accept that I can't make him if he does not want to. I am simply trying to give him the option of coming back into their lives and staying there its what they want and for that reason I have to try, I can assure you I don't think he is a fantastic person and it would be way easier to do nothing but for their sake's I am willing to try and reopen communications with a little hope that he will want to be involved.

zzzLazyDaisy

AmandaD28 wrote: »

I know completely that you are right and the law is not on my side, I also accept that I can't make him if he does not want to. I am simply trying to give him the option of coming back into their lives and staying there its what they want and for that reason I have to try, I can assure you I don't think he is a fantastic person and it would be way easier to do nothing but for their sake's I am willing to try and reopen communications with a little hope that he will want to be involved.

Yes I know. I wasn't criticising you. I have been exactly where you are now, and did exactly the same things that you are doing. All I am saying is, there comes a time when you have to let it go, for your sake, and for the sake of your children. I really hope you are successful and that he comes back into their lives... and that he doesn't then later disappear again when he loses interest again...

globetraveller

Amanda
the same situation happened within my family. Father disappeared out of daughter's life when she was still a toddler. We know now that she grew up thinking it must have been her fault that he left. She told her mum when she was 13 that she really would like to see her dad again. Her mum managed to get a hold of him and he agreed. It was probably the worst thing that could have happened. It became obvious to her that her dad was interested(after the initial excitement of the meet). She just couldn't handle the rejection a second time and went off the rails very big time.
So my advice would be to do everything you can now to establish if he just isn't interested anymore. The longer the gap between contacts, the more difficult it becomes. Are you able to visit his mum? It would be more difficult for her to not speak if you are on the doorstep(especially if she does not want neighbours alerted!). Is she also not interested in her grandchildren? (in our case the grandparents always maintained contact)
If you still don't get anywhere you must sit down and tell your children a truth of sorts. To be honest, I can't think of a way of telling them that won't hurt them. All you can do is emphasise that it is the adults that didn't get on- so they don't go through blaming themselves.

DUTR

AmandaD28 wrote: »

The father did in fact move on he had two affairs whilst we were together and left for his "new toy" as you so nicely put it. I did not trade him in !

Our marriage however was not working and my life has improved 100 fold since he left and I later met my OH my main concern though was and always has been the wellbeing of our children they don't deserve to be dumped whether that be legal or not they are innocent parties and did not ask to be created.

On the subject of money a "cash cow" he has never been he decided not to pay maintainance at all for the first 8 months and built up significant arrears (which I have never persued) he gets in effect money back each month from me with his reduction and he also left me to pay for his car which cost £130 pcm and I only finished paying for this march. I think it is more likely that I am the "cash cow".

If you don't mind me saying you sound very bitter in your postings I am sorry you resent paying for your child/ren but we are not all out for what we can get and my ex could keep every penny of maintainance if he took his role as a father seriously and actually parented our boys properly as it is though his time was worth too much to offer to his children and that is how we are in this sorry state of affairs.

I do mind you saying, I'm not bitter at all, and I don't mind paying for my contribution, as you have concluded in the final paragraph and as ZZlazydaisy put much better than I , that the money is only a very tiny amount of the issue, many contributors I know have no qualms in contributing, it's only on this board I see so many whinging that the amount is never enough. many have given you high ideas of how you can MAKE him respond, but sadly it's going to be wasted effort and energy, my posts may come across as harsh but I would not want to lull you into a false sense of security or false hope of success, you are trigger happy on the thanks button, but you are thanking the wrong persons for the wrong reasons, I know they mean well, we all do.

pigpen

DUTR wrote: »

I do mind you saying, I'm not bitter at all, and I don't mind paying for my contribution, as you have concluded in the final paragraph and as ZZlazydaisy put much better than I , that the money is only a very tiny amount of the issue, many contributors I know have no qualms in contributing, it's only on this board I see so many whinging that the amount is never enough. many have given you high ideas of how you can MAKE him respond, but sadly it's going to be wasted effort and energy, my posts may come across as harsh but I would not want to lull you into a false sense of security or false hope of success, you are trigger happy on the thanks button, but you are thanking the wrong persons for the wrong reasons, I know they mean well, we all do.

To a degree I undestand where you are coming from .. my BIL had it made impossible for him to see his daughter.. obv. I don't know your circumstances.. But he paid every month the required amount through the CSA until his daughter was adopted by the new husband when she was about 10. He has photoraphs of her in his house and talks about her and would absolutely love to see her, and one day she will come knocking.. and he can say he tried and paid his bit and hopefully they will be able to build a relationship.

My brothers father had no interest in seeing him.. he didn't want a baby, (or his mum TBH) at that time and saw him twice in his 32 years to date.. once as a newborn so he knew he was his and once when they went to court about maintenance.

You do what you feel is right for your children.. so long as you can justify yours actions when they come calling then you can live guilt free.

However, I think the OP's boys are probably better off without him screwing around with their heads and I still wouldn't have any dealings or try to make contact or anything.. I'd not lie to the children either.. I'd say he obviously didn't want to see them.. because he doesn't. He is paying for them and fulfilling his obligation as 'provider' and rejection is something the childen are going to have to get used to sooner rather than later.. what if the OP badgers the gu so he sees them.. maybe 2 or 3 times then dumps them again.. they have to go through all this upset all over again..

Let him walk away if that is what he wants.. they don't need a 'father' that doesn't want them.. feeling unwanted is far worse than being walked away from and being able to understand in the future why he chose not to be there. It may take them 10 years or 50 but they will have to accept he has chosen his life and it didn't include them.

red_devil

anyway who does not want to see their children dosent have very good character qualities in my opinion? How would they like it if their father hadnt bothered with them?

CH27

DUTR wrote: »

It does not matter if the children agree or not, if ever they want to ask why I was not keeping in touch then I can simply answer as to why.
But there is no point many of you staying in denial about what the other party may or may not be thinking.
I remember my child's mum writing a letter , it simply was tossed into the bin, something for the OP to consider

So why do you choose not to have a relationship with your child?