Ex has disappeared off the face off the earth.....what do I tell the kids? UPDATED !!

rozmister

DUTR wrote: »

You say the money is for our kids , so I don't see what the big deal is in helping pay for the beds, did you expect them to sleep on the floor when they visit him?
He done the right thing by joining the pay and go club, some have commented about it being his loss, but the harsh reality is he is not losing anything at all, the comments that have followed are why some people switch off and do not bother. Yes the children will be scarred probably for life (hopefully not to deeply) but sadly you have to share some of the blame for that, hope you don't complete raising them with a view that their only purpose in life is to sling money on the table for their partners/ex partners.
Good Luck, but remember if he does give another chance don't try and make the rules and call the shots.

Wow, aren't you commendable. My brother, sister and I had less than satisfactory dads (their dad is an aggressive selfish idiot but paid CSA, my dad was a charming but selfish idiot who paid no maintenance because for a long time he was on off with my mum but didn't turn up when he was meant to!) and we are all scarred deeply in our own ways for life. When you look at our behaviour and attitudes from a psychological POV there are clear patterns of negative dsyfunctional behaviour borne from our less than functional relationships with our fathers that we have carried through to adulthood. None of us chose to be born but we have to carry those emotional scars with us until the day we die.

The RIGHT THING for a father and mother to do is behave in an appropriate parently way with their children so they don't end up with long term deep seated emotional issues due to their parent's dsyfunctional attitude. If either of them aren't capable of committing to doing that for the next 18 years I suggest they start putting something on the end of it - if you get my drift. I know it's a bit late for you now but maybe carry a condom with you in the future, no child deserves a rubbish father who is emotionally abusive to them through deprivation of care,contact and affection.

AmandaD28

pigpen wrote: »

EXACTLY why I would have left it.. how many times will he do this before you say enough?

It must be harder watching them upset waiting for him time and again or forcing (or making them feel like they can't refuse for fear of upsetting someone) them to go when they are clearly distressed about it than it is watching them grow up while he misses out.

What do you do next time? Chase him and beg him to see them again?

I'm sorry but I think you have just set the children up to be hurt and upset all over again.. hopefully I am wrong.. I like to be proved wrong when it saves people being hurt.

I hope for their sake he turns up on Saturday..

FWIW.. It isn't only dads that walk away from their children, mothers do it too.. It is sometimes a very brave and sacrificing thing to do and often they are mistakenly believing their children are better off without them, yes some are just total losers, but many struggle with their conscience over what they have done and without knowing their feelings and situation I think it is very unfair to tar them all with the same poopy brush... eg. Some people have left violent relationships scared for their own safety but knowing the children will be ok.. or being unable to do anything about it if they aren't, others may have mental health issues which they feel have a grat impact on their childrens lives so walk away so they are not damaged by their illness... I know there are ways round these situations but those suffering often cannot see the wood for the trees and when they do they feelitis too late to step back in and disrupt everything.

Before I say anything else PP I have to say you are right and from his attitude on the telephone I almost wish I hadn't bothered !

Anyhow this is his last chance to be a dad to them I won't be chasing again like I said in the early posts its the first time he's gone awol for this period of time but not the first let down they've had to endure by any stretch.

I think he has now had plenty of opportunities to play his role effectively and I won't be standing back and watching him disrupt them anymore I said to him on the phone that this must not happen again it is not fair on them I did tell him that they have missed him his response "I've missed them too"!!! was so on the tip of my toungue to say you've got a bloody funny way of showing it ! I resisted saying that though and went for hmmmm instead

The kids aren't forced to go DS1 was crying because he thinks that his daddy doesn't love him and he must be blaming himself for this.

I have said to DS that if he doesn't want to go that is fine he doesn't have to and he can come home if/when he wants to there is no obligation for them to go I also think whilst I haven't said this to the kids that his dad simply does not know who he is he interacts with him on a level beneath DS who has moved on from the things he used to be into and his latest interests are art and football ex wouldn't know this as he IMO doesn't know our son.

One of the last gifts he bought DS2 was some in the night garden toys for his 4th birthday DS2 has not been into this since he turned 3 yrs I could go on to illustrate the point but I won't I don't need to I think DS1 is getting to a point all on his own where he is replacing his dad with his stepdad they have loads in common and DS1 loves basking in his attention I think it won't be long until DS1 himself refuses to go and when that happens my ex only has himself to blame and I will not make as much effort to keep the relationship going I just thought that for now he is very young and would like to form his own opinion I maybe am wrong in the fact that I didn't take into account how tuned in he actually is bless him.

xx

jamespir

whats wrong with telling them the truth

Aimless

Better to let them come to their own realisation, rather than when they're older them wondering if he was really as bad as Mum said he was.

With my ex, he stamped his feet and insisted on regular access. Reluctantly I agreed two set days a week for him. As soon as I agreed, he disappeared. Over the years he did turn up for a couple of rare trips, then either came back hours later than planned, or did not really do anything nice. One notable one was a trip to the seaside, where they didn't even go to the sea, he went to a big Tesco to allow his two new children to choose a birthday present, had sandwiches in the car, then came home! He even drove past his own mother's house to get there, and didn't take my child to visit.

He's now become a 'Christmas' Dad. Over the years I made excuses about work and so on, until the day the child worked out for themselves that Daddy is no good. Since then, I don't bother pretending.

AmandaD28

jamespir wrote: »

whats wrong with telling them the truth

Sorry is that question for me James ? If so where have I not told the truth ? I don't want to inflict my opinions on my children he is their father afterall and despite the fact that I think he is no good they also need to work that out for themselves its no good them believing he is carp because I say so I think it is already beginning to dawn on DS1 he's cleverer than my ex gives him credit for !

Hope that answers your question

jamespir

AmandaD28 wrote: »

Sorry is that question for me James ? If so where have I not told the truth ? I don't want to inflict my opinions on my children he is their father afterall and despite the fact that I think he is no good they also need to work that out for themselves its no good them believing he is carp because I say so I think it is already beginning to dawn on DS1 he's cleverer than my ex gives him credit for !

Hope that answers your question

sorry in anwer to the question what shall i tell my kids tell them the truth i wish i had been told the truth about my real parents (i knew i was adopted but was told a different reason why) it was so upsettig to find out 2 years ago by total accident when someone provided a report for something