Ex has disappeared off the face off the earth.....what do I tell the kids? UPDATED !!

red_devil

pigpen wrote: »

How about they are duped into parenthood by a partner who lied about contraception

Or one who has seven bells of the proverbial beaten out of them every time they go round to the house

Or one whose ex leaves and moves 500 miles away so they can't have contact

Because they think the children are better off without them

Plenty of reasons... and all very complex and noones business but their own!

with reference to your first point you could argue that even if they were tricked into having a baby the baby is theirs and needs supporting. It is not their fault.

picnmix

I understand where the OP is coming from, she is doing this for her children, so that if they enquire what she did to find their dad she can look them in the eye and be completly honest and say "I tried everything". I doubt she is under any illusion that she can persuade someone to see their children, but she loves her children more than anything and does not want to see them getting hurt. Although her pursuit of their father for contact is more than likely futile, as a mother she will carry on until the attempts are exhuasted. I have to say OP if I were you I would be doing the same thing.

pigpen

red_devil wrote: »

with reference to your first point you could argue that even if they were tricked into having a baby the baby is theirs and needs supporting. It is not their fault.

I never said it was.. I said it is a reason for them to financially provide for the child but have no interest in it

red_devil

pigpen wrote: »

I never said it was.. I said it is a reason for them to financially provide for the child but have no interest in it

you have to be pretty sadistic to say you dont want to see your child whether or not you planned it.

I think its cowardly personally. Life is short.

pigpen

red_devil wrote: »

you have to be pretty sadistic to say you dont want to see your child whether or not you planned it.

I think its cowardly personally. Life is short.

Not really.. you just have to not want it.. how is it sadistic to not want children? What a very bizarre concept... hundreds of people choose to not have children and I can't see why being forced into parenthood would make you want it.. it would just build resentment and then loathing of the child.. that is worse!

It is a lifestyle choice same as anything else. It would be sadistic to have a child and abuse it because you didn't want it or to mock it and tell it repeatedly it wasn't wanted but I think walking away and cutting all contact regardless of the reasons is quite brave really.. not many people can do it but it is better than making the child miserable. So long as they are not also trying to shirk the financial responsibility I don't see the issue.

Better one parent that loves and wants you than 2 when one of them isn't interested.

red_devil

pigpen wrote: »

Not really.. you just have to not want it.. how is it sadistic to not want children? What a very bizarre concept... hundreds of people choose to not have children and I can't see why being forced into parenthood would make you want it.. it would just build resentment and then loathing of the child.. that is worse!

It is a lifestyle choice same as anything else. It would be sadistic to have a child and abuse it because you didn't want it or to mock it and tell it repeatedly it wasn't wanted but I think walking away and cutting all contact regardless of the reasons is quite brave really.. not many people can do it but it is better than making the child miserable. So long as they are not also trying to shirk the financial responsibility I don't see the issue.

Better one parent that loves and wants you than 2 when one of them isn't interested.

its sadistic not to support the child once they are there. It is not their fault they are born. There are too many messed up children in the world because their parents didnt care.

Its the parents duty to support them through life. They might find if they stick around they may just enjoy it. How can they say they dont want parenthood if they dont try.

What on earth are they frightened off?

AmandaD28

With all due respect I am going to bow out of this thread now it isn't any longer my discussion but feel free to continue it

I came to ask advice as my ex hadn't seen our boys for 3 months I do not know why, there are clearly two sides to the arguement and some feel that it is his choice he doesn't have to etc etc which is fair enough I suppose, I however think if this had been the case from day 1 I wouldn't even be bothering now as it is though we've been seperated three years and whilst he has missed contacts in that time it has never been to the tune of three months.

For those reasons I will send the letter and see what his response is if it is no response I will simply leave it at that there is little else I can do really but I think for the kids its worth a go only then can I turn to them honestly and tell them I don't know why he isn't seeing them and when they are older they can investigate for themselves.

I do still hold out hope though that some contact between them will resume, and I will come back and update when I know.

To the poster who asked if I could go to his mums, she has made it perfectly clear the kids are no responsibility of hers or indeed her son's I wouldn't even think of going to her door i'd most likely get a slap in the face for my troubles and I don't much fancy one of those.

Thanks for all the advice controversial or not !

xx

CH27

AmandaD28 wrote: »

With all due respect I am going to bow out of this thread now it isn't any longer my discussion but feel free to continue it

I came to ask advice as my ex hadn't seen our boys for 3 months I do not know why, there are clearly two sides to the arguement and some feel that it is his choice he doesn't have to etc etc which is fair enough I suppose, I however think if this had been the case from day 1 I wouldn't even be bothering now as it is though we've been seperated three years and whilst he has missed contacts in that time it has never been to the tune of three months.

For those reasons I will send the letter and see what his response is if it is no response I will simply leave it at that there is little else I can do really but I think for the kids its worth a go only then can I turn to them honestly and tell them I don't know why he isn't seeing them and when they are older they can investigate for themselves.

I do still hold out hope though that some contact between them will resume, and I will come back and update when I know.

To the poster who asked if I could go to his mums, she has made it perfectly clear the kids are no responsibility of hers or indeed her son's I wouldn't even think of going to her door i'd most likely get a slap in the face for my troubles and I don't much fancy one of those.

Thanks for all the advice controversial or not !

xx

Good luck:)
I hope your children get a happy ending with their dad.

make_me_wise

DUTR wrote: »

Not a sidestep as such, whatever reasons somebody gives would still not be acceptable to outsiders, I too applaud the OPs attempts, and admire the succesful ones who are able to ensure the offspring maintain a valuable relationship with both parents.
I don't think anybody could justify to you or any others here why they choose not to, but they do and are only answerable to themselves

How can they miss out on being grandparents? they maybe absent grandparents but still grandparents all the same.

I agree that whatever reason someone may give for not wanting contact with their child, most people would not find it acceptable. I also agree that people should not be asked to justify it.

I question your statement though that they are only answerable to themselves in making that decision. The absent parent may decide they want no contact now or at any time in the future. How their children might feel about this and whether they will try to contact them once they are adults and need answers is questionable.

jellyhead

pigpen wrote: »

Not really.. you just have to not want it.. how is it sadistic to not want children? What a very bizarre concept... hundreds of people choose to not have children and I can't see why being forced into parenthood would make you want it.. it would just build resentment and then loathing of the child.. that is worse!

It is a lifestyle choice same as anything else. It would be sadistic to have a child and abuse it because you didn't want it or to mock it and tell it repeatedly it wasn't wanted but I think walking away and cutting all contact regardless of the reasons is quite brave really.. not many people can do it but it is better than making the child miserable. So long as they are not also trying to shirk the financial responsibility I don't see the issue.

Better one parent that loves and wants you than 2 when one of them isn't interested.

OP is talking a man who wanted the children though, and loved them for 5 years.

I can understand a man not wanting to be a father so walking away ... but after 5 years of being a father, I just can't understand that!