Ex has disappeared off the face off the earth.....what do I tell the kids? UPDATED !!

zzzLazyDaisy

jellyhead wrote: »

I can understand a man not wanting to be a father so walking away ... but after 5 years of being a father, I just can't understand that!

My best friend left her OH after 25 years of marriage. She had a 12 yo DD who, up until that point, had been Daddy's little princess. Scroll forward 6 months, he moved away to live with his new partner who doesn't like DD - all contact ceased, he never texts or phones her or returns her messages. Now, three years on there is still no contact, it is as if she never existed.

Sure he still pays maintenance, but he has a new partner and a new life now.

Go figure....

fannyanna

Why do Dad's (and some Mum's) not maintain contact? I think it's an interesting one.

Of course there are those that are deadbeats and don't care and then there are the cases where the parent with care refuses to allow contact. Whilst I appreciate you can go to court to obtain contact you often hear about cases where these orders are obtained and then simply not complied with.

My husband has two children. He pays maintenance for both children but only sees one of the children (regularly). He doesn't see his youngest child as his ex is a nasty piece of work. She will obviously have her side of the story and that's fine but from my husband's perspective (and mine as his wife) whilst it's sad that he doesn't see his child his/our lives are so much better now that we're not receiving constant abuse from the ex. Is it fair? No. It's not fair that my husband doesn't see his child. It's not fair that the child doesn't see it's father and I'm sure on some level it's not fair on the ex (I'm sure having a few days off from being a sole parent would be welcome at times). But life isn't fair. I know this will sound really, really odd but my husband is generally happier now. Of course he has his moments where he gets upset but these moments are nothing in comparison to the constant stress and upset that he was previously facing.

consultant31

DUTR wrote: »

You say the money is for our kids , so I don't see what the big deal is in helping pay for the beds, did you expect them to sleep on the floor when they visit him?
He done the right thing by joining the pay and go club, some have commented about it being his loss, but the harsh reality is he is not losing anything at all, the comments that have followed are why some people switch off and do not bother. Yes the children will be scarred probably for life (hopefully not to deeply) but sadly you have to share some of the blame for that, hope you don't complete raising them with a view that their only purpose in life is to sling money on the table for their partners/ex partners.
Good Luck, but remember if he does give another chance don't try and make the rules and call the shots.

Really?? What about the love of his children - does that count for nothing?

DUTR wrote: »

If he was not contributing financially (large or small) then yes, but nothing in law says he has to see the children, so he need not feel ashamed over anything.

He should be ashamed to make his children unhappy regardless of what he feels for his ex.

DUTR wrote: »

It's the offspring missing out, I wonder how many felt inferior to their school chums on 19th June just gone? Or do you suggest that they paint a smile on and pretend they could not careless, which incidently gives better cause for the none resident to be absent.

You sound quite proud that these offspring are "made to feel inferior to their school chums on Father's Day" - you're quite a piece of work aren't you?

DX2

consultant31 wrote: »

You sound quite proud that these offspring are "made to feel inferior to their school chums on Father's Day" - you're quite a piece of work aren't you?

You haven't had the pleasure of meeting DUTR on the CSA boards PAYG "father" and deeply proud of that.

DUTR

AmandaD28 wrote: »

With all due respect I am going to bow out of this thread now it isn't any longer my discussion but feel free to continue it

I came to ask advice as my ex hadn't seen our boys for 3 months I do not know why, there are clearly two sides to the arguement and some feel that it is his choice he doesn't have to etc etc which is fair enough I suppose, I however think if this had been the case from day 1 I wouldn't even be bothering now as it is though we've been seperated three years and whilst he has missed contacts in that time it has never been to the tune of three months.

For those reasons I will send the letter and see what his response is if it is no response I will simply leave it at that there is little else I can do really but I think for the kids its worth a go only then can I turn to them honestly and tell them I don't know why he isn't seeing them and when they are older they can investigate for themselves.

I do still hold out hope though that some contact between them will resume, and I will come back and update when I know.

To the poster who asked if I could go to his mums, she has made it perfectly clear the kids are no responsibility of hers or indeed her son's I wouldn't even think of going to her door i'd most likely get a slap in the face for my troubles and I don't much fancy one of those.

Thanks for all the advice controversial or not !

xx

Fingers crossed and the lesser of all evils under the circumstances, fingers crossed their relationship will once again flourish, but not through being made to feel guilty, but because his heart and head tell him it's the right thing to do, once again, wish you all well

DUTR

consultant31 wrote: »

Really?? What about the love of his children - does that count for nothing?



He should be ashamed to make his children unhappy regardless of what he feels for his ex.



You sound quite proud that these offspring are "made to feel inferior to their school chums on Father's Day" - you're quite a piece of work aren't you?

I'm sure his own conscience and morals have lead him to his descision , even though none of may agree with it, it is his choice to do so.

DX2 wrote: »

You haven't had the pleasure of meeting DUTR on the CSA boards PAYG "father" and deeply proud of that.

If I was a none contributor, you would have a point, but it is obvious I won't bow to the bullying, especially when you don't know the full ins and outs of every situation

consultant31

DUTR wrote: »

I'm sure his own conscience and morals have lead him to his descision , even though none of may agree with it, it is his choice to do so.

It is indeed his choice, but anyone who doesn't care about their own children, having lived with them (it's not as though he never wanted them) doesn't have any conscience or morals.

Whatever the ins and outs of his relationship with their Mother, the Father could at least make sure the children know he still loves them and that they've done nothing wrong.

I've never been able to understand how a parent can walk away from their children without a passing thought, there must be something lacking in their make-up.....oh, I know what it is - decent human kindness!

DUTR

consultant31 wrote: »

It is indeed his choice, but anyone who doesn't care about their own children, having lived with them (it's not as though he never wanted them) doesn't have any conscience or morals.

Whatever the ins and outs of his relationship with their Mother, the Father could at least make sure the children know he still loves them and that they've done nothing wrong.

I've never been able to understand how a parent can walk away from their children without a passing thought, there must be something lacking in their make-up.....oh, I know what it is - decent human kindness!

Perhaps he does , every month
In a perfect world there would not be broken relationships, sadly we are not in a perfect world

pigpen

jellyhead wrote: »

OP is talking a man who wanted the children though, and loved them for 5 years.

I can understand a man not wanting to be a father so walking away ... but after 5 years of being a father, I just can't understand that!

I am aware of that and was responding to a particular post addressed to a comment I made.

My BIL saw his daughter for nearly 4 years with contact orders etc.. and the new bf landed him in hospitala few times.. but for the sake of his daughter he kept going.. in the end it was just too much so he had to stop going.

I know this isn't the case with the OP .. but maybe his new bit of fluff doesn't like having the boys.. step-parents have a lot of sway when it comes to previous relationships.

DX2

DUTR wrote: »

Perhaps he does , every month
In a perfect world there would not be broken relationships, sadly we are not in a perfect world

When it's removed from his pay packet, probably.