Ex has disappeared off the face off the earth.....what do I tell the kids? UPDATED !!

DUTR

the_cat wrote: »

No, it's about not disappearing from your childrens life without a backward glance for months on end too

If the OP was simply concerned with the money and she is still receiving it, why would she be trying to get in touch?

If the NRP in this case felt it was the pinnacle of his life then yes I would agree, most people have a relationship AND have a family, when it becomes one or the other, then it is easy to see why to just make pastures new.

As said in another reply, the OP is not overly concerned about the money (as long as they are not seen to give any back) , perhaps it could be to do with 'guilt' which money cannot buy out of. Yes we could all say the NRP is bad and all to blame, but it does not change how the children feel, so I don't agree with the way the single vision support is offered to the OP as few seem to be looking only from one perpesctive.

DUTR

AmandaD28 wrote: »

Wrong again I'm afraid most responses are about what the most important people want ! The children they want to see their father who has disappeared without contact for months.

I think personally that I've had some very good ideas here on how to attempt to re-establish contact for their sakes none of my post was about me simply my kids and their relationship with their absent father.

Since you state that you read this type of post here and on the CSA board I am assuming you yourself are an absent parent ........ of course I could be wrong but if not I hope you do not treat your children in the same way.

None of this is about money he has been assessed and he pays an amount we agreed on reduced as he said he wanted extra money to do things with the boys I gave him this I wanted him to enjoy his time with them and if for him that meant more money then so be it the issue was always his disappearance and the questions off the kids.

You are correct there, I pay and go, hence why I can answer from the type of character you portray your ex to be.
My posts are not to attack you, if the respondants are resident parents then it will be most difficult for them to say what will work, only your ex will be able to answer that 100% .

the_cat

DUTR wrote: »

If the NRP in this case felt it was the pinnacle of his life then yes I would agree, most people have a relationship AND have a family, when it becomes one or the other, then it is easy to see why to just make pastures new.

So you think it reasonable that the father has dumped his children and moved on?:eek:

Why should any adult who decides to procreate get to change their mind and decide it is no longer the 'pinnacle of his life' and clear off?

I have every sympathy for fathers who are used as a cash cow by greedy ex's. I know how difficult it is to move onto a new relationship whilst including children from past ones. I've seen absolutely no evidence that this is an issue in this case though....

DUTR

CH27 wrote: »

About what one parent wants?

He hasn't bothered his backside to be in touch with his own children for quite a while.
He should be ashamed of himself.

If he was not contributing financially (large or small) then yes, but nothing in law says he has to see the children, so he need not feel ashamed over anything.

CH27

DUTR wrote: »

If he was not contributing financially (large or small) then yes, but nothing in law says he has to see the children, so he need not feel ashamed over anything.

In my book anyone who chooses not to see his children should be ashamed of themselves.

DUTR

the_cat wrote: »

So you think it reasonable that the father has dumped his children and moved on?:eek:

Why should any adult who decides to procreate get to change their mind and decide it is no longer the 'pinnacle of his life' and clear off?

I have every sympathy for fathers who are used as a cash cow by greedy ex's. I know how difficult it is to move onto a new relationship whilst including children from past ones. I've seen absolutely no evidence that this is an issue in this case though....

As you mention we don't know if the father has dumped the children and moved on or if the mother decided on a new 'toy' , it does not matter which way it happened, the end results are still the same at present.
And yes some NRPs do get seen /treated as cash cows naturally this may not be the case in the above episode but those that are reading and thinking of trading in their sperm donors need to think of the longer term consequences.

DUTR

CH27 wrote: »

In my book anyone who chooses not to see his children should be ashamed of themselves.

There are females that do the same (all be it a smaller percentage) , but I disagree with your book, everybody's circumstance is different and one size does not fit all.

the_cat

DUTR wrote: »

If he was not contributing financially (large or small) then yes, but nothing in law says he has to see the children, so he need not feel ashamed over anything.

Yeah right, you keep telling yourself that, if it helps you sleep at night.
I doubt if your children will agree with you once they are old enough to form an opinion

DUTR

the_cat wrote: »

Yeah right, you keep telling yourself that, if it helps you sleep at night.
I doubt if your children will agree with you once they are old enough to form an opinion

It does not matter if the children agree or not, if ever they want to ask why I was not keeping in touch then I can simply answer as to why.
But there is no point many of you staying in denial about what the other party may or may not be thinking.
I remember my child's mum writing a letter , it simply was tossed into the bin, something for the OP to consider

AmandaD28

DUTR wrote: »

As you mention we don't know if the father has dumped the children and moved on or if the mother decided on a new 'toy' , it does not matter which way it happened, the end results are still the same at present.
And yes some NRPs do get seen /treated as cash cows naturally this may not be the case in the above episode but those that are reading and thinking of trading in their sperm donors need to think of the longer term consequences.

The father did in fact move on he had two affairs whilst we were together and left for his "new toy" as you so nicely put it. I did not trade him in !

Our marriage however was not working and my life has improved 100 fold since he left and I later met my OH my main concern though was and always has been the wellbeing of our children they don't deserve to be dumped whether that be legal or not they are innocent parties and did not ask to be created.

On the subject of money a "cash cow" he has never been he decided not to pay maintainance at all for the first 8 months and built up significant arrears (which I have never persued) he gets in effect money back each month from me with his reduction and he also left me to pay for his car which cost £130 pcm and I only finished paying for this march. I think it is more likely that I am the "cash cow".

If you don't mind me saying you sound very bitter in your postings I am sorry you resent paying for your child/ren but we are not all out for what we can get and my ex could keep every penny of maintainance if he took his role as a father seriously and actually parented our boys properly as it is though his time was worth too much to offer to his children and that is how we are in this sorry state of affairs.