Ex has disappeared off the face off the earth.....what do I tell the kids? UPDATED !!

make_me_wise

CL wrote: »

It just shows how careful you need to be in choosing the father of your child. I was with DH 5 years before we married and 10 years before we had our LO. Not refering to OP here, but some people rush into having a baby with someone before really getting to know them.

Whats it like in that black and white world you live in? Good grief what a sheltered little life you have led.

Some people do rush into relationships and have children quickly. A similar amount of people go about their approach to relationships as you do. Neither way guarantees that the relationship will last for years or end in disaster. Each couples relationship is unique and what works for some doesn't for others.

Making sweeping statements like yours just makes you come across as really sanctimonious and more than a little naive.

AmandaD28

Softstuff wrote: »

I'd be honest with your kids, but never bad mouth him yourself. They'll form their own opinion of his actions without any prompting.

My father left when I was 11, contact was sporadic and only when he could be bothered. My grandmother herself told me that she felt we'd "milked" him for maintenance, and that he'd gone above and beyond... when he couldn't even be bothered to remember Christmas and birthdays.

It's been a number of years since I heard from him (I have to think how many, and it's probably been about 10). He knows nothing of my divorce, remarriage or emigration. He doesn't even know which country I live him. And it's his loss. I have a wonderful stepdad who was everything I needed in a dad growing up. I hope your children fare as well as I did in that.

I wouldn't bother chasing him or contacting him. My mother tried that and it resulted in more of his broken promises, missed visits and disappointment. If he has no interest he's made a decision you can't change.

I never bad mouth him to the kids I have tried desperately to avoid them hearing any bad from anyone hard as that has been at times like this but I do know they will decide for themselves in the long run when they think back to their childhoods and remember me and OH being there and dad popping in and out when he feels like it.

I do feel sorry for them though I grew up with my dad there we shared a close relationship and still do I can go to him with anything and love him dearly I wanted similar for them and even when we split (on bad terms following his affairs) I still felt that he could be a good dad if he wanted to be and offered joint custody to our children so convinced was I that he could be every bit as good and loving of a parent as I can he turned me down flatly telling me he has a life now and he will no longer be unpaid childcare !!

His contact was every weekend for a while and has slowly dwindled in the 3 and a half years we have been apart.

They do however have a wonderful supportive stepfather who wants the same as I want for them and loves them dearly he is a million times more supportive than their father and they love him too he does all of the "boy" stuff with them and they frequently tell him "you're the best Chris in the world" I really hope they speak as fondly of him when they grow up as you speak of your's.

Thanks for your input it is nice to hear the 'childs' point of view

xx

lepetit

Wow AmandaD28....I had to read this thread when I saw it...the title is very catching lol!
Unfortunately I am very much the other side of the coin - my OH has 12 year old son - split with ex 6 years ago and ever since she has used the LO to hurt my OH only causing untold hurt to her own son. Refused access constantly despite begging from OH and LO and eventually took her to court last year - we now pretty much have 50/50....so I often have a very little sympathy for mothers talking about custody and maintenance issues with their ex, we have had to it really bad to say the least.

However, I really have to say you are clearly an amazing mother and your ex is clearly a ****. I am sure your partner is an amazing stepfather and may in time make up for a lot of what your children will loose from having such an absent and uncaring father. I have always made sure I never try to 'replace' my stepson's mother or be a mother to him but so many times he has said things that make me wonder just how much damage his own mother has caused with her actions over the last 5 years.

Thumbs up to not bad mouthing your ex - I know it must seem impossible sometimes. I totally agree with sending a recorded delivery letter. If your ex never gets in touch again once your children are adults at least you know and have proof that you tried!

Chin up you're doing amazing!

make_me_wise

lepetit wrote: »

Unfortunately I am very much the other side of the coin - my OH has 12 year old son - split with ex 6 years ago and ever since she has used the LO to hurt my OH only causing untold hurt to her own son. Refused access constantly despite begging from OH and LO and eventually took her to court last year - we now pretty much have 50/50....so I often have a very little sympathy for mothers talking about custody and maintenance issues with their ex, we have had to it really bad to say the least.

For what my opinions worth I think you are doing an amazing job too Lepetit. It cant be easy being in the middle of all this. You are really astute because you can see that above all else, what really matters is the well-being and stability of a child when parents seperate. If only everyone were as caring and considerate.

From a purely selfish point of view it would make my job as a teacher a damm sight easier. I wouldn't spend half my time trying to turn a kid around, who has been severely damaged by an unstable upbringing with those closest to them refused access.

AmandaD28

lepetit wrote: »

Wow AmandaD28....I had to read this thread when I saw it...the title is very catching lol!
Unfortunately I am very much the other side of the coin - my OH has 12 year old son - split with ex 6 years ago and ever since she has used the LO to hurt my OH only causing untold hurt to her own son. Refused access constantly despite begging from OH and LO and eventually took her to court last year - we now pretty much have 50/50....so I often have a very little sympathy for mothers talking about custody and maintenance issues with their ex, we have had to it really bad to say the least.

However, I really have to say you are clearly an amazing mother and your ex is clearly a ****. I am sure your partner is an amazing stepfather and may in time make up for a lot of what your children will loose from having such an absent and uncaring father. I have always made sure I never try to 'replace' my stepson's mother or be a mother to him but so many times he has said things that make me wonder just how much damage his own mother has caused with her actions over the last 5 years.

Thumbs up to not bad mouthing your ex - I know it must seem impossible sometimes. I totally agree with sending a recorded delivery letter. If your ex never gets in touch again once your children are adults at least you know and have proof that you tried!

Chin up you're doing amazing!

Oh thank you lepetit I am blushing lol

I think the want from me for him to be in volved comes like I said from my own upbringing and knowing how important a role a father can have from my own he did everything my mum could do and more and my dad instilled a belief in me that men can be just as good parents if not better in some cases than mums.

I think lots of people bang on about equality and rights etc but as far as I can see the law in this coutry is still weighed heavily on the mothers side and I read all the time about fathers being frozen out of their kids lives and its just not right.

I also know people on the other side (your side of the fence) and even cases where the dad's have custody because the mothers simply cannot be bothered with their children and the dads do a cracking job I take my hat off to them for not taking the easy option. I hoped and prayed when we seperated that my ex would be one of those guys and I have never denied access or used the kids if I've gotten angry with him (which I did alot in the early days) I have used a third party for collection drop offs and communications because I didn't want any of that showing to my children it is a bad example and I think they should be able to see their father without fear of what row will happen this time which is sadly what a lot of children witness.

I want the kids to grow up and make their own informed choices and form their own opinions and my role is not to brainwash them just to support them through I think. I have all of the letters offering contact and the ones back saying he doesn't want it they are put out of sight in our attic but if they ever ask to see when they are adults they will be allowed I want them to grow up and I know myself I have done everything I could to make things work and my concsience be clear because as sad as it is I know my ex will attempt to twist everything around. The whole situation is even more cruel for DS1 as up until the point where his dad walked out age 5 he was a "daddy's boy" and they shared a close bond he was by my own admission a good father when we were together and DS1 still talks of times when we were together and can you remember when dad did this and that, I simply don't know what changed in him that makes him think the way he treats our boys is acceptable and that saddens me greatly.

I too think you have done a fabulous job with your stepson I am so glad that you and your OH have won the right to see him fairly it will do him no end of good and he should be a confident little boy flourishing in your love I think it is unforgivable when mums stop their kids seeing dad when there is no good reason for it. IMHO the mum will have to face the consequences of her actions as he grows older but it is so good that he has stability with you guys ultimately that is what I wanted for my children too. I just wish my ex could see what he is doing I have warned him that his behaviour will come back to haunt him but he simply laughed at me I never said that to him again he clearly is not bothered regrettably he could have been so much more though, he has let himself and his children down.

make_me_wise

Your children are very, very lucky to have you Amanda. It cant be easy for you and I think you deserve a huge pat on the back. I sincerely hope that one day your children will be able to form a positive relationship with their dad. I cant help but feel that with his current behaviour it is more then their dad would deserve.

This isn't about what is right for the adults though, as you clearly already recognise. Even as adults we all need both our parents. Dont know where I would be sometimes without both of mine. Keep your chin up and be really proud of yourself.

AmandaD28

make_me_wise wrote: »

Your children are very, very lucky to have you Amanda. It cant be easy for you and I think you deserve a huge pat on the back. I sincerely hope that one day your children will be able to form a positive relationship with their dad. I cant help but feel that with his current behaviour it is more then their dad would deserve.

This isn't about what is right for the adults though, as you clearly already recognise. Even as adults we all need both our parents. Dont know where I would be sometimes without both of mine. Keep your chin up and be really proud of yourself.

Thanks make me wise I sincerely hope that one day he gets his act together and they can enjoy a good loving relationship with him too I can't think of anything i'd like more.

Totally agree about parents I love mine dearly and without their support I wouldn't be as well rounded as I am they are there for me no matter what and always have been they truly are lovely genuine people very much for their family.

If things don't work out for the kids I take comfort in the fact that they do have positive male role models in their lives in my OH and their grandad (my father). I never said earlier but prior to meeting me my OH was a young single guy who'd never had any responsibility for kids he doesn't have any of his own yet (excluding the one I am carrying now) He has restored my faith in men as for a while I thought they just did not make them like my dad anymore he has stepped up to far exceed my expectations and he has looked after us all amazingly he is a fantastic daddy already and I know he takes a lot of pride in our little family I am very lucky to have my little family.

DUTR

AmandaD28 wrote: »

Hi everyone,

Have two DS with my ex aged 8yrs and 4yrs he has always had contact with them all be it sporadic from his side and he has frequently missed planned contacts with them but never for as long as this his last contact was at the end of March this year he was at that point seeing them every other weekend.

He soon after moved in with his g/f telling me that they had secured a 3 bedroom house together in order that the boys could stay as she also has a DD. I have never met this woman but the kids speak very highly of her unlike the previous g/f who they really did not get on with so to me although I don't know her she seems nice and is a very good mum/ nice person by all accounts.

My ex asked me then if I would pay for beds for our kids in their new house by allowing him not to pay maintainance for a couple of months I refused saying that he doesn't pay for anything in our house so why should I the maintainance is for the upkeep of our children ! He pays £140 pcm in maintainance he did have arrears but I had to call the CSA off collecting them when he threatened to give up his job so he wouldn't have to pay. He was assessed as having to pay £160 pcm about 2 yrs ago but went on at me so muchabout taking DS1 to football every other wkend and how he couldn't afford to because the maintainance was crippling him and eventually got me to agree a reduced amount on the understanding he would indeed take DS1 to football when he had him .............he is still yet to conform to that.

Ex has now disappeared off the face of the earth I have not heard from him in months he has never asked how the kids are or expressed a wish to see them. I feel guilty is it my fault for not paying for the beds ? His 140 quid is still going in the bank so nothing too serious has happenned but how do I establish what is going on for the kids they want to see him and I am hiding from them the fact that he has shown no interest

Do I see a solicitor about it ? I just need an answer really I don't know whether he will ever get in touch and I don't want them left hanging so to speak ! I know where he works but I haven't showed up there or anything I don't wanna cause any trouble but I need to know what is happenning for my kids they need an answer

What should I do ?????

xx

You say the money is for our kids , so I don't see what the big deal is in helping pay for the beds, did you expect them to sleep on the floor when they visit him?
He done the right thing by joining the pay and go club, some have commented about it being his loss, but the harsh reality is he is not losing anything at all, the comments that have followed are why some people switch off and do not bother. Yes the children will be scarred probably for life (hopefully not to deeply) but sadly you have to share some of the blame for that, hope you don't complete raising them with a view that their only purpose in life is to sling money on the table for their partners/ex partners.
Good Luck, but remember if he does give another chance don't try and make the rules and call the shots.

the_cat

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Sorry, but laughing is the only appropriate response to the level of stupidity in the above post!


The dad pays the massive sum of £16.15 per week towards the care of each of his children. Out of this she is supposed to feed,clothe,entertain and provide a roof over their heads, plus furnish his house???

Idiot or just a troll?

DUTR

the_cat wrote: »

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Sorry, but laughing is the only appropriate response to the level of stupidity in the above post!


The dad pays the massive sum of £16.15 per week towards the care of each of his children. Out of this she is supposed to feed,clothe,entertain and provide a roof over their heads, plus furnish his house???

Idiot or just a troll?

If the money is so massive then why when the table is turned to contribute back the other way it then becomes a big issue?
Parenting is not just about how much money you can sling at the children is it?
Feeding for more than one is not much more costly , the OP has a partner that can help out, love the way you massage the figures , how much is he supposed to pay? he pays what he is supposed to so he has not broken any law on that account.