Ex has disappeared off the face off the earth.....what do I tell the kids? UPDATED !!

CL

Your exs mother thinks £17.50 per child per week is too much! Unbelievable!

callow

I am going through a similar thing. I last had contact with my ex at the beginning of April. We talked on the phone about his visiting the kids, 13 and 11 on the royal wedding weekend and my bringing the kids to visit him in May while I visited friends for the night. It was left that I would contact him about a definite date in May.

Since then I have left many messages on his phone, contacted him by email. No reply - nothing. I had to cancel my night out in May. My youngest has been upset and I have left messages saying how upset she is. He stills pays maintenance.

I have contact with his brother. He saw him a few weeks ago and said he was happy (Lucky for him!) I asked him to find out why he doesn't want to speak to the children and haven't had a reply yet. I suppose that means there isn't one.

He had gradually stopped contact over the last 6 years since he left (he lives 4 hours away). He has only seen them once in the last year. It is his loss. I will not be involving him in anything to do with the kids. The door is still open if he wants to start a relationship with them again.

There is nothing you can do to make them visit or even phone the children.

Softstuff

I'd be honest with your kids, but never bad mouth him yourself. They'll form their own opinion of his actions without any prompting.

My father left when I was 11, contact was sporadic and only when he could be bothered. My grandmother herself told me that she felt we'd "milked" him for maintenance, and that he'd gone above and beyond... when he couldn't even be bothered to remember Christmas and birthdays.

It's been a number of years since I heard from him (I have to think how many, and it's probably been about 10). He knows nothing of my divorce, remarriage or emigration. He doesn't even know which country I live him. And it's his loss. I have a wonderful stepdad who was everything I needed in a dad growing up. I hope your children fare as well as I did in that.

I wouldn't bother chasing him or contacting him. My mother tried that and it resulted in more of his broken promises, missed visits and disappointment. If he has no interest he's made a decision you can't change.

Everycloud...

Why not suggest to the kids they write a letter to their Dad to say 'Hi' or they send a drawing and maybe some photos? Don't send anything from yourself, leave it to the kids and it'll show him what he's missing.

Cerisa

This makes me not want to have children. Why do certain men regard it as morally acceptable to ditch their kids? :mad:

CL

Cerisa wrote: »

This makes me not want to have children. Why do certain men regard it as morally acceptable to ditch their kids? :mad:

It just shows how careful you need to be in choosing the father of your child. I was with DH 5 years before we married and 10 years before we had our LO. Not refering to OP here, but some people rush into having a baby with someone before really getting to know them.

CH27

Everycloud... wrote: »

Why not suggest to the kids they write a letter to their Dad to say 'Hi' or they send a drawing and maybe some photos? Don't send anything from yourself, leave it to the kids and it'll show him what he's missing.

I wouldn't do that. If he ignores them the children could feel even more rejected.

Person_one

CL wrote: »

It just shows how careful you need to be in choosing the father of your child. I was with DH 5 years before we married and 10 years before we had our LO. Not refering to OP here, but some people rush into having a baby with someone before really getting to know them.

That's quite offensive to the many many many women out there who did choose carefully, who did everything right and still were abandoned and betrayed.

Some people have kids together within a year and everything works out great, some wait even longer than you did and still end up as single parents. Please don't try to blame the mothers who are actually taking responsibility for their children, save your judgement for the parents who don't.

Everycloud...

CH27 wrote: »

I wouldn't do that. If he ignores them the children could feel even more rejected.

If they are just sending their Dad a little update of how they're doing in school, what they're upto etc. then it wouldn't particularly need a reply.

If he doesn't get in touch with his children then they're going to feel rejected whatever happens.

newcook

Everycloud... wrote: »

Why not suggest to the kids they write a letter to their Dad to say 'Hi' or they send a drawing and maybe some photos? Don't send anything from yourself, leave it to the kids and it'll show him what he's missing.

but OP doesnt know where he lives in order to send it...