Ex has disappeared off the face off the earth.....what do I tell the kids? UPDATED !!

AmandaD28

ceebeeby wrote: »

Call from a friends phone who he won't recognise the number from.

It's a simple question:

"Hiya X, hope alls well. DS1 and DS2 desperate to see you and miss you - what do you think?"

Failing conversation, text him.

I left a voicemail last week with words to that effect.........he hasn't responded.

I am angry with him but haven't showed that to anyone including him I don't really get how he can just disappear from their lives and not even think to enquire about their wellbeing he has always stated that he loves and misses them but then does things like this.

courteener

I was going to suggest that you speak to his Mum about it, but I see that won't work.

I don't know what you should tell the children, aprt from the truth about knowing that he's ok but not being able to get to speak to him, but I do hope you won't stress yourself about it.

AmandaD28

the_cat wrote: »

I would perhaps consider sending it by registered post and keeping a copy.......

I will be sure to do that what sort of thing should I write in the letter do you think ?

I obviously don't want him to feel I am having a go and I simply want him to make contact with the kids and hopefully start seeing them again do you think there is a best way of putting that ?

vax2002

The kids need stability and a on off father will not do them any good.
Put your efforts in to building a stable environment without this guy and his on off as and when it suits.

pigpen

I'd tell them you haven't heard from him and don't know why.

I wouldn't chase him nor would I lie to the children.

the_cat

"Dear Scumbag (haha you might want to edit that to his name!):D

As you know, it has been several months since you last made contact with X and Y. I have tried to explain to them that you have been busy with the new house but sadly they are getting increasingly concerned that there is something wrong. They are unhappy and miss you and ask constantly when they are going to see you.

I certainly don't want to bad-mouth you to them but they are not satisfied by my platitudes any more. Please get in touch and let them know that you are ok and that you love them. Ideally both them and I want contact to resume but if that is not possible, then just some contact with an explanation would help. At least then, the children would not feel that they had done wrong or that you didn't love them anymore"


Sample first draft just to get you started!!
If that doesn't work I would tell the children the truth the next time they ask. Not he can't be bothered or whatever, just a simple 'I don't know'.
One parent missing is bad enough! The other shouldn't start lying to them too!

AmandaD28

vax2002 wrote: »

The kids need stability and a on off father will not do them any good.
Put your efforts in to building a stable environment without this guy and his on off as and when it suits.

They do have a very stable environment at home with me and their stepfather who they love dearly, at the end of the day though we aren't a replacement for their real father and as much as I'd like to be I am never going to be they want to see him I think I owe it to them to at least try to find out what is going on.

I had hoped that this would be his fresh start and this would provide them some stability at his side sadly it looks like its not though.

AmandaD28

pigpen wrote: »

I'd tell them you haven't heard from him and don't know why.

I wouldn't chase him nor would I lie to the children.

I really wish I didn't feel I had to chase him PP I do though I just want them to know what is going on I think they are owed that at the very least.

AmandaD28

the_cat wrote: »

"Dear Scumbag (haha you might want to edit that to his name!):D

As you know, it has been several months since you last made contact with X and Y. I have tried to explain to them that you have been busy with the new house but sadly they are getting increasingly concerned that there is something wrong. They are unhappy and miss you and ask constantly when they are going to see you.

I certainly don't want to bad-mouth you to them but they are not satisfied by my platitudes any more. Please get in touch and let them know that you are ok and that you love them. Ideally both them and I want contact to resume but if that is not possible, then just some contact with an explanation would help. At least then, the children would not feel that they had done wrong or that you didn't love them anymore"


Sample first draft just to get you started!!
If that doesn't work I would tell the children the truth the next time they ask. Not he can't be bothered or whatever, just a simple 'I don't know'.
One parent missing is bad enough! The other shouldn't start lying to them too!

Thanks the cat will try this and if it doesn't work at least I can say I tried I can then say I don't know to the kids

You've been a star

xx

pigpen

AmandaD28 wrote: »

I really wish I didn't feel I had to chase him PP I do though I just want them to know what is going on I think they are owed that at the very least.

They will realise soon enough he isn't interested in them unless it suits him.. plus he will be using you chasing him as an ego boost and as proof of how you can't cope without him.

They don't need to know what is going on.. they are children they will accept anything you say pretty much.

Stay honest to them and let him sort out his own lies when he bothers fitting them in again.