Ex has disappeared off the face off the earth.....what do I tell the kids? UPDATED !!

AmandaD28

DUTR wrote: »

You say the money is for our kids , so I don't see what the big deal is in helping pay for the beds, did you expect them to sleep on the floor when they visit him?
He done the right thing by joining the pay and go club, some have commented about it being his loss, but the harsh reality is he is not losing anything at all, the comments that have followed are why some people switch off and do not bother. Yes the children will be scarred probably for life (hopefully not to deeply) but sadly you have to share some of the blame for that, hope you don't complete raising them with a view that their only purpose in life is to sling money on the table for their partners/ex partners.
Good Luck, but remember if he does give another chance don't try and make the rules and call the shots.

At the very same time though I was redecorating their room and indeed purchased new beds as their old ones were broken they now have a nice room and new beds did I ask him to pay for that ? Of course not ! I didn't expect them to sleep on the floor either but if he has money to redecorate and set up home then he should have made funds available for somewhere for his children to sleep £140 pm is all I ever get too it has to cover (along with my contribution) everything they both need including clothes, shoes, school uniforms, school trips, school dinners, activities etc etc

I'm sorry but I am not willing to take any blame I am more than willing to provide for my children and be there for them tbh they cost way more than £280 a month to keep me and OH pick up the tab for that !! I'm not complaining about that either it's just how it goes and before you point it out I say £280 because after all we should contribute equally to their upkeep.

I haven't made any rules he makes them by choosing when he can be bothered to see them and when he can't, I simply sit and wait for the call.

I think you are sadly mistaken and you are wrong ! Just my opinion though:cool:

AmandaD28

DUTR wrote: »

If the money is so massive then why when the table is turned to contribute back the other way it then becomes a big issue?
Parenting is not just about how much money you can sling at the children is it?
Feeding for more than one is not much more costly , the OP has a partner that can help out, love the way you massage the figures , how much is he supposed to pay? he pays what he is supposed to so he has not broken any law on that account.

Actually the CSA assessed him as having to pay £160 pcm he doesn't pay this because he emotionally blackmailed me into reducing it. So he doesn't actually pay what he can did you even read the OP ?

FWIW I don't know where in any of my posts it says I believe in parenting by slinging money at my kids they wouldn't get much benefit from that would they money means very little to them.

My OH can and does help out all of the time not really his responsibility but as were a family he has taken it on anyway.

CH27

DUTR wrote: »

You say the money is for our kids , so I don't see what the big deal is in helping pay for the beds, did you expect them to sleep on the floor when they visit him?
He done the right thing by joining the pay and go club, some have commented about it being his loss, but the harsh reality is he is not losing anything at all, the comments that have followed are why some people switch off and do not bother. Yes the children will be scarred probably for life (hopefully not to deeply) but sadly you have to share some of the blame for that, hope you don't complete raising them with a view that their only purpose in life is to sling money on the table for their partners/ex partners.
Good Luck, but remember if he does give another chance don't try and make the rules and call the shots.

I'm speechless.

DUTR

AmandaD28 wrote: »

At the very same time though I was redecorating their room and indeed purchased new beds as their old ones were broken they now have a nice room and new beds did I ask him to pay for that ? Of course not ! I didn't expect them to sleep on the floor either but if he has money to redecorate and set up home then he should have made funds available for somewhere for his children to sleep £140 pm is all I ever get too it has to cover (along with my contribution) everything they both need including clothes, shoes, school uniforms, school trips, school dinners, activities etc etc

I'm sorry but I am not willing to take any blame I am more than willing to provide for my children and be there for them tbh they cost way more than £280 a month to keep me and OH pick up the tab for that !! I'm not complaining about that either it's just how it goes and before you point it out I say £280 because after all we should contribute equally to their upkeep.

I haven't made any rules he makes them by choosing when he can be bothered to see them and when he can't, I simply sit and wait for the call.

I think you are sadly mistaken and you are wrong ! Just my opinion though:cool:

I hear your point, on some of the aspect we will have to agree to disagree, if he was putting £165pw and not seeing the children, then they would be no better off. It's not really about the money , when the children are old enough and independant enough to make their own visits of their own accord , hopefully they (the NRP and the children) can form an un-interferred bond.

DUTR

CH27 wrote: »

I'm speechless.

And so you should, try thinking outside of the box, at present most responses are about what one parent wants.

zzzLazyDaisy

I couldn't just read and run. You are doing a great job Amanda, but sadly however much you want to protect your children, you can't make the ex want to have contact with them, if he doesn't want to.

Don't bad mouth him (I know you don't intend to) but don't cover up for him or make excuses either. Why? Because there is a risk that somewhere down the line you will be seen as the bad guy, because from your children's point of view, if he is the nice person and loving dad that you say, then there must be a reason why he stays away... and that is likely to be something to do with you.

I speak from experience!

the_cat

DUTR wrote: »

Parenting is not just about how much money you can sling at the children is it?

No, it's about not disappearing from your childrens life without a backward glance for months on end too

If the OP was simply concerned with the money and she is still receiving it, why would she be trying to get in touch?

DUTR

AmandaD28 wrote: »

Actually the CSA assessed him as having to pay £160 pcm he doesn't pay this because he emotionally blackmailed me into reducing it. So he doesn't actually pay what he can did you even read the OP ?

FWIW I don't know where in any of my posts it says I believe in parenting by slinging money at my kids they wouldn't get much benefit from that would they money means very little to them.

My OH can and does help out all of the time not really his responsibility but as were a family he has taken it on anyway.

You didn't , it's the responses from some of the other posters, which seems to get promoted all too often on this and the csa board. Your original post has raised a good point and hopefully some parents will think much further than chasing a few quid.

CH27

DUTR wrote: »

And so you should, try thinking outside of the box, at present most responses are about what one parent wants.

About what one parent wants?

He hasn't bothered his backside to be in touch with his own children for quite a while.
He should be ashamed of himself.

AmandaD28

DUTR wrote: »

And so you should, try thinking outside of the box, at present most responses are about what one parent wants.

Wrong again I'm afraid most responses are about what the most important people want ! The children they want to see their father who has disappeared without contact for months.

I think personally that I've had some very good ideas here on how to attempt to re-establish contact for their sakes none of my post was about me simply my kids and their relationship with their absent father.

Since you state that you read this type of post here and on the CSA board I am assuming you yourself are an absent parent ........ of course I could be wrong but if not I hope you do not treat your children in the same way.

None of this is about money he has been assessed and he pays an amount we agreed on reduced as he said he wanted extra money to do things with the boys I gave him this I wanted him to enjoy his time with them and if for him that meant more money then so be it the issue was always his disappearance and the questions off the kids.