Ex has disappeared off the face off the earth.....what do I tell the kids? UPDATED !!

red_devil

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

My best friend left her OH after 25 years of marriage. She had a 12 yo DD who, up until that point, had been Daddy's little princess. Scroll forward 6 months, he moved away to live with his new partner who doesn't like DD - all contact ceased, he never texts or phones her or returns her messages. Now, three years on there is still no contact, it is as if she never existed.

Sure he still pays maintenance, but he has a new partner and a new life now.

Go figure....

whats he going to do if he finishes with his new partner? Is he going to say he wants dd in his life again? Why dont people think? Dumping your daughter for someone else shows a character flaw.

jellyhead

pigpen wrote: »

My BIL saw his daughter for nearly 4 years with contact orders etc.. and the new bf landed him in hospitala few times.. but for the sake of his daughter he kept going.. in the end it was just too much so he had to stop going.

I know someone who bowed out in the end too - he felt it was best for his daughter not to have all the stress of her mother's behaviour every time he had contact. He kept tabs on things through a network of spies and he knew that the mother settled down and started to behave like a proper mother once he was out of the picture and she had the happy little family she wanted with her new bloke.

Of course by the time the daughter was 18 she had an inkling of what her mother was like, because she'd seen her mother's behaviour over the other fathers of her siblings.

Father and daughter got together when daughter was 18 and everything was rosy, and still is

But if the mother isn't unpleasant then I don't get why a father would walk away. I should, because my own father did it with no qualms.

princessdreamer

It would be nice if these men who suddenly dissapear left a not saying they had decided not to contact the children. Instead they just go and you are left with no answers.
Where is daddy?
Is he coming to see me?
When will he be back?
Over time the children learn that these men are not worth anything as fathers, that they are liars and cowards. My ex I'm sure screams from the rafters that everything is my fault, who cares I have my life, the children are loved and all he has is some new bit who will get bored of his rubbish.

fannyanna

jellyhead wrote: »

I know someone who bowed out in the end too - he felt it was best for his daughter not to have all the stress of her mother's behaviour every time he had contact. He kept tabs on things through a network of spies and he knew that the mother settled down and started to behave like a proper mother once he was out of the picture and she had the happy little family she wanted with her new bloke.

Of course by the time the daughter was 18 she had an inkling of what her mother was like, because she'd seen her mother's behaviour over the other fathers of her siblings.

Father and daughter got together when daughter was 18 and everything was rosy, and still is

Whilst I'm sure this doesn't always happen this is what I try and reassure my husband when he gets upset.

I remind him that for now his child is young and will understandably believe everything Mummy has told her about Daddy. However one day she will be old enough to make up her own mind.

Yes, she may still think Dad is a loser but she may also realise that perhaps her Mum's behaviour made it very difficult for any form of a relationship/contact to happen. The fact that he has a very good relationship with one of his children and the Mother of this child I think speaks volumes about the other ex rather than him. I think it shows that he is prepared to be a Father however in one case he just hasn't been allowed that opportunity. I appreciate many would probably disagree but each to their own.

princessdreamer

My ex has tried the old I will tell the children the truth about you line. Unfortunately for him I let the children see him for what he is rather than say anything bad about him, they get to judge him by his actions. As they get older each one has said he does not care so why should I. If I wanted when they are 18 they could read through all the paperwork around our divorce and his behaviour, oldest teen already knows a lot as unbeknown to me ex had disabled the net protectors on the kids laptop so he could have affairs and other inappropriate adult interaction. Not at all happy to have reems of evidence on exs behaviour presented to me by my child, when I asked why he continued going through the stuff my son said we needed it and he was not going to protect his father in any way.

Bambywamby

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

My best friend left her OH after 25 years of marriage. She had a 12 yo DD who, up until that point, had been Daddy's little princess. Scroll forward 6 months, he moved away to live with his new partner who doesn't like DD - all contact ceased, he never texts or phones her or returns her messages. Now, three years on there is still no contact, it is as if she never existed.

Sure he still pays maintenance, but he has a new partner and a new life now.

Go figure....

Any man or woman that moves on to a new relationship and discards their children like disposable garbage bags are morally defunct and totally lacking parental caring. I would rather be a single mum for eternity than subject my children to such a dreg.
Paying child maintainence but not bothering to see your children doesn't mean you're doing your "bit" and being responsible, it means you have probably being forced by the law to cough up for your off spring(s) and every penny gauls you. And that pleases me greatly!:D

AmandaD28

Hey everyone,

Just here to update ! Ex received the letter and got in touch he says there is nothing wrong !! He has now sorted beds for the kids and wants to see them again this weekend !

I struggled but did not lose my temper when he said there was nothing wrong I think there clearly was or the kids wouldn't have been without their dad for 3 months !

Anyhow I told the kids without really thinking so am now hoping he actually turns up DS1 is unsure about going he was sobbing the other night about it all and asking why his daddy doesn't love him I told him its nothing he has done and I'm sure dad loves him just in his own way !!

Ooooh it does make me mad to watch this happen anyhow hopefully things will settle down now and he will have them again regularly

Thanks for all the advice here
Amanda xx

pigpen

AmandaD28 wrote: »

Hey everyone,

Just here to update ! Ex received the letter and got in touch he says there is nothing wrong !! He has now sorted beds for the kids and wants to see them again this weekend !

How big of him..

I struggled but did not lose my temper when he said there was nothing wrong I think there clearly was or the kids wouldn't have been without their dad for 3 months !

Why did you not say it? Other than the answer would have been a lie. Are there no phones where he lives? There is no excuse.

Anyhow I told the kids without really thinking so am now hoping he actually turns up DS1 is unsure about going he was sobbing the other night about it all and asking why his daddy doesn't love him I told him its nothing he has done and I'm sure dad loves him just in his own way !!

Ooooh it does make me mad to watch this happen anyhow hopefully things will settle down now and he will have them again regularly

Thanks for all the advice here
Amanda xx

EXACTLY why I would have left it.. how many times will he do this before you say enough?

It must be harder watching them upset waiting for him time and again or forcing (or making them feel like they can't refuse for fear of upsetting someone) them to go when they are clearly distressed about it than it is watching them grow up while he misses out.

What do you do next time? Chase him and beg him to see them again?

I'm sorry but I think you have just set the children up to be hurt and upset all over again.. hopefully I am wrong.. I like to be proved wrong when it saves people being hurt.

I hope for their sake he turns up on Saturday..

FWIW.. It isn't only dads that walk away from their children, mothers do it too.. It is sometimes a very brave and sacrificing thing to do and often they are mistakenly believing their children are better off without them, yes some are just total losers, but many struggle with their conscience over what they have done and without knowing their feelings and situation I think it is very unfair to tar them all with the same poopy brush... eg. Some people have left violent relationships scared for their own safety but knowing the children will be ok.. or being unable to do anything about it if they aren't, others may have mental health issues which they feel have a grat impact on their childrens lives so walk away so they are not damaged by their illness... I know there are ways round these situations but those suffering often cannot see the wood for the trees and when they do they feelitis too late to step back in and disrupt everything.

red_devil

hope he turns up.

CH27

Fingers crossed he turns up for the boys.