heartbroken

rachbc

I too think you need to let go - don't contact him, stop over analysing and move on with your life. So easy to say, so very very hard to do but so worth it in the end. I think thoughout all this you have held on to the idea you might get back together if you did or said the right things to him and now the reality that its over is properly sinking in you have to grieve all over again. Let yourself get sad, wallow a a bit, wail if you need to, let it all out then move on

coin_operated_girl

Hehe, no "sort of" is good I would say we are more than just friends, but I wouldn't say he is my boyfriend...but if any guy asked, I would say that I am taken. Confusing hey?

I remember you saying before about you and your OH being happy doing nothing together. I thought that was really nice that you are both on the same level. I think I am perfectly happy to live what some might say is a boring lifestyle, but I like being at home- I don't always have that much energy due to my medical condition anyway. My soft of fella can be quite active, he goes to the gym, loves BMXing and paintballing with his friends, but because of that I think he also loves doing nothing as well. At least I think he does, he is coming over tonight and said he has loaded his portable hard drive with films for us to watch.

I am really hoping to find a job that pays me soon (I now have 3 part time voluntary jobs- no one wants to pay me for my time though lol), so hopefully I'll be able to afford to go out with him sometimes as well.

I feel like I have been thrown in the deep end a bit with my ex leaving me. I feel like I can only work part time, but realistically I need to work full time to earn a liveable wage. Even if I work pt I think I may have to give up my studying, which ultimately means I can't get to where I want to in life. I still don't know what I am going to do about it all and I have been struggling a bit with that because it feels quite daunting and scary...but its also a little bit exciting not knowing where I am going to end up. I'm not giving up my dreams, but I am adjusting them slightly. With my ex I had my whole future planned out and it was almost on a timeline, which was safe and secure, but I have learnt life doesn't always go to plan and to just roll with it and see what happens

coin_operated_girl

rachbc wrote: »

I too think you need to let go - don't contact him, stop over analysing and move on with your life. So easy to say, so very very hard to do but so worth it in the end. I think thoughout all this you have held on to the idea you might get back together if you did or said the right things to him and now the reality that its over is properly sinking in you have to grieve all over again. Let yourself get sad, wallow a a bit, wail if you need to, let it all out then move on

If I'm honest I think you are completely right. Even though I have told people I don't want him back, I think the fact that he wanted to be friends gave me some hope and showed that he still wanted me in his life. Now that all of that has gone I am not only grieving the loss of the friendship, but also facing the reality that it is well and truly over.

I mean it when I say I don't want him back now though, I feel like he is a stranger to me now. I can't get my head around what he is doing. I actually cried when I read that he isn't in contact with his parents any more. Not for him, but for them. What an awful thing to have to go through, having their only child do that- his parents are so lovely as well. Whilst he was far from the perfect son, when he was with me he would have never have done something like that, so I can only assume he is so far from the person I knew that I wouldn't recognise him any more.

Oh and you're right on the over analysing thing too. Its something I do in every area of my life and it drives me crazy!

emg

I agree with everyone else, you need to let go. The truth is that he is not still analysing your relationship, he is trying to move on. Everytime he hears from you he is probably feeling really guilty as it is clear that you are still hurting. Maybe he is ignoring you because he is trying not to do anything that you might misinterpret. Either way, all your emails are like you are picking at a scab, you aren't going to heal if you don't leave it alone.

coin_operated_girl

I guess I am partly to blame too. I probably tried too hard to show him how "OK" I am with just being friends that I came across as...needy? I feel like he gave me mixed signals a bit though, because at first he said he wanted to be friends and was being quite chatty. I was the one who suggested that realistically we would probably never be friends in "real life" again, but that it would be great to stay in contact via email. I thought that showed that I understand that there needs to be some boundaries between us and that things won't be the same again, but maybe I still spoke to him in an overly familiar way or maybe the fact that I came running as soon as he clicked his fingers suggested that I still held out some hope for us. Maybe it has nothing to do with me, maybe his new gf simply doesn't like him talking to me- I wouldn't blame her...Am I doing this over analysing thing again?

I still don't think there's an excuse to straight up ignore me though. Given the amount of time we were together I feel like he should have at least explained why he doesn't want to talk to me any more, or at the very least, he should have let me know that he doesn't want any further contact. I think that's what is making it hard because I feel like I have just been tossed aside, like I am not even worth an explanation.

In a way I guess he is doing me a favour though because I now know I don't want him back and that will probably help me heal quicker. I just wish things didn't have to end like this. I found it comforting that we broke up in such a nice way.

shell_girl

Bless you hun, but yes, you ARE over analysing.

It's time to start judging him by what he actually does, and not the possible secret sub text that you think might be behind his actions. Most blokes I know are pretty straightforward creatures. If he wanted to be with you, or be in regular contact with you, then he would. He doesn't, so he isn't. Sorry - bit of tough love there.

A great motto to stick on your fridge door / mirror / inside your purse

"You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've and should've happened - or you can just leave the pieces on the floor, step over them and move the f**k on"

coin_operated_girl

shell_girl wrote: »

Bless you hun, but yes, you ARE over analysing.

It's time to start judging him by what he actually does, and not the possible secret sub text that you think might be behind his actions. Most blokes I know are pretty straightforward creatures. If he wanted to be with you, or be in regular contact with you, then he would. He doesn't, so he isn't. Sorry - bit of tough love there.

A great motto to stick on your fridge door / mirror / inside your purse

"You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've and should've happened - or you can just leave the pieces on the floor, step over them and move the f**k on"

:rotfl::rotfl: I like that! I need it need to adopt that attitude. I seriously over analyse everything ever. I blame being out of work. Gives me too much time to think about nothing.

TeaForOne

Sorry for barging in so late in the thread. My best friend is trying to extricate herself from a complicated love affair and I bought her Paul McKenna's How to Mend your Broken Heart book and CD (she's a PM fan). It really seems to be helping do the stepping over all those pieces and moving the *#!* on.

Also wanted to say I'm really impressed with you getting your 3 PT voluntary jobs. As an employer, that would make me want to interview you. Won't be long til someone recognises your talents.

coin_operated_girl

Hi everyone,

Me again!

I'm feeling kind of reflective today as today holds a bit of significance for me. Today would have been mine and my ex's 6 year anniversary. I'm 95% sure that before he decided to leave he was planning on proposing to me today because of a few things he said (he isn't very good at being subtle some times lol). Today also marks the 3 month anniversary of our split...and I gotta say, I'm OK with that.

Over the past 3 months I've had some pretty low times. Not really to do with the fact that my ex left me as such, but more to do with the fact that I felt like my life was going no where, like I had no future. I am unemployed at the moment and I don't know anyone in the city I live in so I get pretty lonely sometimes and I can't afford to join any clubs or anything to meet new people, so it was all getting on top of me a bit. I'm in a much better place now. My circumstances haven't really changed and until they do I'm probably always going to have the odd bad day. I've got a job interview next week which I am so looking forward to. I cannot wait to get a job, but I've been out of work for 3 years due to ill health so its very tough to find work (which was also getting me down big time), so I'm going to do everything I can to make sure they hire me next week

I'm still seeing that guy and things are going well. He is such a nice guy and look-wise I'm really attracted to him. I don't know if this sounds weird, but I've not been in a relationship where I've been really sexually attracted to the other person before because I always go for personality over looks, so its quite nice that this guy ticks both of the boxes for me He has also made me realise that me and my ex weren't quite as well suited to each other as I thought we were and that we were probably just with each other out of habit in the end.

I'm still not ready for a serious, full on relationship right now, but I think we could be really good for each other. We've got very similar values and we even share the same random dream for the future. We're both a bit shy and a bit awkward but even when we first started meeting up (after 8 years of lost contact) there wasn't any awkward silences like I thought there would be and like we both found we had when we met up with other old school friends- so there's definitely some sort of connection there. I actually sort of feel like he is the male equivalent of me- which is a good thing, because I quite like me Obviously only time will tell what will happen between me and him, but I'm just enjoying what we have right now.

The reason I said I'm OK with the break up now is because I've realised that I don't want the whole marriage and kids thing. Not yet anyway. At the time I thought that's what I wanted and I would have happily gone with it, but I've realised that there's no rush. I'm only 24, I've got plenty of time for all that in the future. I honestly think that if me and my ex were still together, we would settle down and start a family and be happy for a while, but probably there would be a point where I would have regretted settling down at such a relatively young age. I know my ex wanted to settle down too, but I'm willing to bet he is now thinking along the same lines as me, so he probably did us both a favour.

Coincidently, last time I posted about him not responding to my emails he actually got back to me later that evening. Anyway, we talked via email a couple of times and we have now agreed to go our separate ways for the time being. We said that we'll leave it say 6 months and then see how we are both doing and give being friends a go. I felt pretty relieved when we agreed on this. I don't know, maybe it was that I finally got proper closure or something. I just felt like a huge weight had been taken off my shoulders and I've been doing OK since then.

So all in all, I actually think the break up was a good thing. I can see now that he was just a chapter in my life, not the whole story. The biggest lesson I have learnt from all of this is to not rely on anyone and to live my life for me and to assume that I'll be forever single. If I meet someone special then that's a bonus, but I'm not going to rely on that. I'm also learning to just roll with everything and stop being so concerned with having it all right now.

I want to thank everyone again for all the help/advice/support they have given me, I am so, so grateful, I really would have been lost without it.

Anyway, I just wanted to post a little positive update just because I like it when people update their threads

rockstar44

Coin Operated Girl

What a great post! I haven't posted before but I've 'lurked' on this thread from the beginning! You've come a long way & you should be very proud of yourself! Well done! Great to hear you're feeling so much more positive! I've got everything crossed for you both in your search for a job & a loving relationship! You'll be fine! :T