heartbroken

Lotus-eater

coin_operated_girl wrote: »

but i still can't stop thinking about him and analysing everything

That is exactly what you need to stop doing, this is not doing you any good at all.
It's easy to say, but you really have to get your mind off this somehow.

When you consciously feel yourself thinking about it, take yourself virtually by the arm and shake yourself, force yourself to think about something else.

Dinah93

You need to move on, and accept whatever he is doing with his time is what he wants to do so there is no right or wrong to that. Also, it's not just his friends he'll be spending time with but the new girlfriend as well. Most new relationships are very intense at the start so if she has her own place he could well be over there a few nights a week. You need to focus on your own life, and accept his is not something you have any control over anymore x

coin_operated_girl

Thanks guys you are both right. I guess i'm just thinking about things more as i have spent a lot of time on my own recently- the guy i am seeing has been away for 2-3 weeks and i've not been able to go out much due to no money and trying to write an essay.

The weird thing is i'm honestly not bothered any more that he has a gf and i'm glad he is having fun with her/his friends- all i care about is that he is happy, so i don't understand why i keep thinking about things. I think i tend to over analyse everything in general any way, guess i just need a distraction. My essay has to be in tomorrow and the guy i am seeing is back in a few days so hopefully getting out will take my mind off things.

Hope you are both well

coin_operated_girl

Hi guys,

Sorry to keep dragging this thread up, I just wanted peoples views on things (I apologise in advance for the essay, I just wanted to give the whole story)...

At first, about a month after we broke up, me and my ex exchanged a couple of friendly emails. He was letting me know about things that were going on in his life and telling me his thoughts on the breakup and how he feels now. He also said he would like to be friends, which I was really happy about. So that was all fine and it was nice to hear from him. Then he didn't respond to one of my emails. I left it about a week and a half and then asked him why he hadn't responded. He apologised, said he wasn't ignoring me but he was just busy seeing friends etc.

Then a week later I get a text and an email from him asking him to post his old phone to him as his friend needs it and to let him know the cost of the postage and he will transfer it to my account. I sent the phone and sent an email saying not to worry about the postage as it was less than £3. I also told him that I had been to see my neurologist and that he reckons they will come up with a cure for my condition within the next 10 years- I was telling all my friends this as you can imagine I was pretty happy about it and I thought my ex would be happy to hear it. He didn't respond to the email. No "thanks for sending the phone" or "that's great news about your condition". Nothing.

A few weeks pass and I hadn't heard from him so I sent an email saying that if he gets a chance could he respond to that email as I would really like to have his opinion on something to do with us. He said he will at some point but he has a lot on at the mo as he is in the process of moving and he also had a massive argument with his parents and is moving all of his stuff out of their house into storage. I responded and said I'm sorry to hear that and to just get back when he has the time.

A couple more weeks pass and I sent another email saying that I hope he is OK but I am not ready to be in contact with him right now as it hurts that he can't find 20 mins to respond to me. Again, he apologised and said the internet in his new place isn't working and he can only pick up emails on his phone and he wants to respond to me properly so he will do it from his laptop when the internet is working. I wasn't entirely sure whether I believed that as he is just renting a room in a flat so the internet would surely already be set up but I just said ok no problem.

All of our shared stuff is at my Dads house for storage. I told him I was going to see my Dad so I'll try and sort our stuff out. He responded straight away and we exchanged a couple of emails about how to split everything up. When I got to my Dads it turns out that the stuff isn't there and my Dad must have put it into storage by accident with some other stuff. I thought that I wouldn't bother emailing my ex as I felt like I was pestering him a bit so I would wait for him to ask as he knew when I was going to see my Dad. A couple of weeks pass and he didn't get in contact with me so I emailed him to let him know what had happened. I said that I'm not sure how quickly he needs his stuff but if he wants it any time soon he will have to sort it out with my Dad because I can't see him right now (we originally said that we would both be OK to sort out the stuff together if we are both free at the same time) as I think I might still have feelings for him (OK, I probably shouldn't have said that). He didn't respond.

So now to the bit I want your views on:
About a week after that, it slowly dawned on me that he was only getting in contact with me when he wanted something. When I tried to be helpful I never got so much as a thanks. He never replied to the email that he said he would and he was no longer being chatty. So I sent him one final email. I said that I feel like he is only getting in contact with me when he wants something and I find that quite hurtful because it feels like I mean nothing at all to him. I also said that I feel like he was ruining what was a very amicable breakup. I said that I am done with him and he wont hear from me again. I tried to be as nice as possible to him about it and so I wished him the best for the future and I said I hoped he has a happy life.

So, guess what...he didn't respond to that email either. I know I said he wouldn't hear from me again but, to me, if he cared about staying in contact with me at all he would have responded. Surely he would have said something like "sorry, I've had a lot on, I didn't mean to upset you" if he was bothered by it at all. Or even a "sorry you feel like that, I wish you all the best too" would have been nice. Although I meant it at the time, I guess I was just hoping to get some kind of response from him. My question is this: have I done the right thing by now cutting contact with him? Does it sound like from what I have said that he was just sort of using me? Or am I being over dramatic and expecting too much?.

Part of me thinks I did do the right thing- if he wanted to stay in contact he would have responded. But another part thinks I did the wrong thing because now I have ruined everything. This is really getting to me. I wanted so much to be friends with him. I think I am over him as a boyfriend but losing him as a friend is hurting me so much more than when he broke up with me. I can hardly sleep and when I do I keep having horrible nightmares- you know, the kind where you wake up covered in sweat. I'm so sad that I have lost my best friend.

I have no idea why he is being like this. He isn't a horrible person, but in the space of 2 months he has broken up with me, the girl he wanted to marry, cut all contact with his parents and now isn't bothered about not being in contact with me any more. I suspect its something to do with these new friends he has. He is a pretty loyal person and used to spend a lot of money and time seeing his old school friends who live across the country but he is no longer even friends with them on fb any more. He cut contact with them a while ago and it didn't sit right with me because its very out of character for him. I soon realised he did it pretty much as soon as he started hanging out with these new people. Its like since these new friends have come along he wants nothing to do with his old life and is dropping everyone who cared about him.

Anyway, sorry for the really long post, I just need peoples take on the whole situation...honest opinions welcome- I'm aware that I could just be blowing everything out of proportion, so tell me if I am

I hope everyone is well.

Edit: reading what I have written back makes me think that its not as bad as I thought it was and that all hes done is not respond to a couple of emails. Am I going crazy?

dumpy

Honest opinion? This is going to sound really harsh. sorry.......

He doesn't want you in his life and the "let's be friends bit" was a gentle let down, to move away from you.

He does only contact you if he wants stuff, as he'll know you jump when he gets in touch.

You need to stop thinking that you can be friends at the moment. Maybe in a few months time with no contact whatsoever and when you have sorted your life out, if you meet up you can be friends but not at the moment.

Stop emailing him about anything.

I know this sounds awful and I hope I haven't upset you but if you keep emailing him you are not letting go and not getting on with your life.

justmel

I don't think you are going crazy hun but i do think that for whatever reason he has decided that he wants to move on completely and with as little contact as possible.

Sadly we cannot force a friendship,be it with an ex or anyone else and you have done your best here to keep him in your life as a friend,it must hurt terribly but if he truly wanted the same thing he would be making the same amount of effort as you are.

Maybe he thinks you still want him back and that he is doing the right thing by backing off and not giving any false hope,i'm not saying you do want him back but he might find it hard to accept that all you want from him is friendship.

It seems from this thread that you have done really well in moving forward and enjoying your single life and i think the right thing is to completely cut the ties,i feel it is the only real way to move on properly.

He may well decide he misses you once you stop the contact and get in touch,if he does then only you can decide if you are willing to pick up the friendship again but for now concentrating on yourself is the best thing you can do x

abbecer

As sad as it will be for you I think you have to accept that the friendship is over. His life has quite obviously moved on in lots of ways and you are probably a reminder of the life he is trying to leave behind. He doesn't sound like the kind considerate person any more and contact with you is probably a hindrance to his new life. It will break your heart and be incredibly hard but you have no choice but to move on. Accept that he is your past and now you are going to create yourself a new future. Wishing you all the luck in the world and hope the pain heals soon. xxxxxx

Percy1983

Glad to see you are still ok, to mirror what is said above you can't force a friendship so it time to just get on with life.

How are things with your new 'sort of' fella?

coin_operated_girl

Thanks everyone for the honest replies, I really appreciate it.

I guess deep down I already knew that he wants nothing to do with me. The thing I don't get was that he was the one who contacted me a month after the breakup and said that he would like to be friends. So I don't understand why he said that and is now acting like this. I would have rather he just never got back in contact with me- that way I would always think of him as the man he was to me, now I feel like I don't know who is he any more. He is certainly making it a lot easier to move on from him though.

I did cross my mind that maybe he is doing this for my own benefit, to help me move on. But then I thought that if that was the case would he really just ignore me? It would make more sense to me if he just said that he thinks we both should have no contact for a while.

Either way, I guess it doesn't really matter, the point is he doesn't want me in his life any more. It hurts so much to think that he doesn't care about me at all and that I mean nothing to him now. After everything we have been through. I know that most people don't remain friends after they break up and perhaps it was unrealistic to think that we could be friends after such a short amount of time, but its the way he has gone about it that upsets me. Like I said, I would have rather he just never got back in contact with me, or at least let me know that he doesn't want any more contact.

If I'm honest though, when he first got back in contact with me I felt like he did it just to tell me he was seeing someone else now and that he has moved on, the rest of the email just seemed like filler to me. That was just the impression I got from the email, I guess because it seemed so unnecessary to tell me that he is already seeing someone, but I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt because I thought that he's not like that, but maybe my initial reaction was right. Maybe he only got in contact with me to try and rub it in that he has moved on so quick.

Its so hard to let go of him as a friend but I know I have to. I keep trying to tell myself that if this is who he is now, then I don't want him as a friend any more anyway.

Things are going OK with my "sort of" fella lol. I still wouldn't call him my "boyfriend", but that's OK, I'm not in a hurry to jump straight into another relationship. We are taking things very slow. Its difficult because he is working so hard right now- like 12 hour days + 3 hours travelling and hes working on weekends so I don't get to see him that much, but its probably a good thing- it helps slow everything down. Neither of us have much money right now so we can't really afford to do much together which is a bit of a worry for me as I think that this was part of the reason me and my ex broke up- because all we ended up doing was just watching TV and I think we got into a rut. But things seem fine at the moment. He went through an awful breakup about 10 months ago (was with his ex for 6 years and then she cheated on him with his (now) ex best friend), so I think he isn't in a hurry to get into anything too serious right now either, so I think taking it very slow suits him too. We're just going to take it one day at a time and see where it leads

Thanks again for all the replies.

Percy1983

Glad to hear things are going nicely with him, could think what to call him so the 'sort of' bit came in handy.

With that my ex said one of the problems is we didn't go out enough etc, yet with the women I am to marry we are happy do nothing together (don't get me wrong we do go out etc).

Basically just keep looking forward, seems life is looking up so be happy.