Can't do anthing right.....

80s_Child

I've been swamped by feelings of inadequecy at the moment.

I've put on weight over the last year (size 10 to 14) and OH comments that I am bigger and I should go to the gym. I did join one but I was too embarassed at my size and lack of fitness to go. He also says that I should get my hair done more often and use sunbeds to make myself look better. I've said I will if he pays for it but funnily enough he hasn't yet.

We went to his friend's party at the weekend and I made a huge effort, got my hair done, bought a new outfit (not very MSE) and tried fake tan (not very successfully:o). I really wanted to look good and make him proud to be with me. He didn't make one single comment, so I felt like I may as well not have bothered.
I got a headache at the party (stressed out) and went back to our hotel to lie down. It went after a couple of hours, but I felt fat and orange (from the fake tan) so I sent him a text to say I still had the headache. He phoned saying he was disappointed I'd left early and that I should be there no matter what I looked like (that made me feel worse!)

We're looking at moving from the house we bought together in 2009. I loved the house but he was lukewarm and we can now get something bigger and better, although we'd both have to be in work to afford a bigger mortgage, which makes me nervous, given how things are.
I feel responsible for choosing the house we're in. We have seen a few houses but I feel my judgement is poor and am reluctant to say I 'like' any of them. (I actually don't like any more than the one we're in so far)

I feel like everything I do isn't good enough and it's really getting me down. Funnily enough I'm doing really well at work and have been promoted, so thats helped me build my confidence a little (I must be doing something right)
Not sure what would help - guess I needed to get things off my chest a little


I wrote a longer post orginally but I managed to delete it all! Says it all really.....

fannyanna

I've lost count of the number of times I've accidentally deleted my very long post. It's annoying isn't it.

How long have you guys been together?

Have you tried telling him how you feel and more importantly how his comments make you feel?

Do you think he is trying to be helpful or do you think his intentions are to put you down. Don't get me wrong I would want to slap him if he said those things to me but my husband has on numerous occassions said the complete wrong thing to me in an effort to be helpful (and I can honestly say that I know he says these things with the best of intentions).

Person_one

Ugh. So he looks like Brad Pitt does he with no physical imperfections at all? Jeez, its depressing enough when you feel heavier than you'd like to be and none of your lovely clothes fit, but being hassled and criticised NEVER motivates anybody to lose weight or get fit! You'll do it when you're ready and when YOU want to, I'm sure.

If he was really trying to motivate and help you for your own sake he'd have ponied up the dough for the gym or he'd be asking if you want to play tennis and go for bike rides together at the weekends. He just wants to put you down.

Well done on your success at work, is there a little jealousy going on perhaps? Don't let him undermine your confidence!

Pee

Hmm... I'm tempted to say I don't like your OH...

Is it possible that you go on about your weight and he feels you need some constructive assistance to do something about it? Obviously he hasn't quite got the constructive bit right, but is that what he is aiming for? If it is, then talking about it could help. How do you feel about your weight? (From your post it suggests it is an issue for you even though I don't think 14 is large.)

If you want to do something about it then slimming world and maybe some walking - I don't know what your time constraints are like - might be the way forward, otherwise maybe an exercise DVD or even a wii.

How long have you been feeling inadequate? I get feelings like this sometimes when I try to do too much, but I'm lucky to have lots of positive comments from my boyfriend. I think it's hormonal and it passes and it's often linked to stresses at work, which yours obviously isn't. Well done you, of course you are doing something right.

Is there any chance that he sees this as a threat? Whilst it's not nice he puts you down when threatened, we do stuff that isn't nice when we feel like that and then usually regret it but don't know how to take it back.

What do you want in a new home?

I think working out what you want is the big question, then you can go for it. I'd also consider how you feel about splitting with him. If you think don't be silly, I love him, then you need to work it out, but if you think, that's scary, I couldn't cope on my own, maybe you ought to consider this as an option.

lexuslass

Didn't want to read and run... but I echo on what both these guys have said!!

your OH may just be (if I can say it!), a drip!! Or he may be a control freak!!

Only you can answer that! If it's the latter, then I think you need to think about things... A LOT and get some decent running shoes!!!

I wish you lots of luck!!

Tropez

Ignoring how unhelpful your OH is for the moment, with regards to gyms perhaps it might be worth enquiring with your local council if they run any gym programmes themselves? Many councils operate small gyms in community centres that may not have the same large selection of bizarre, bone-bending equipment that the large gyms have, but also tend to have a wider-ranging client base that ranges from overweight, to little bit plump, to trim, to old and young and everything in between. These gyms are generally cheaper, quieter and a lot less intimidating for people such as yourself as you are highly unlikely to encounter someone who looks like their breakfast consisted of a protein shake and a large injection of bull shark testosterone.

I got a bit plump (to say the least) a few years back and found out about the council run gym near me and it was a very good experience.

pigpen

Sounds like he is very unhappy with a lot of things in his life and is trying to put those feelings of his own inadequacy onto you....

I'd mention to him about hair transplants, point out every grey hair, drooping scrotum and wrinkle... mention there are courses in how to be a better lover and hair dye and maybe a face lift while he is there.

If he asks why tell him you thought you were being open about your feelings as he does it to you more often than is pleasant you thought it was an opening to make him a more beautiful person.

Gavin83

Do you want to lose weight or you doing it just to please him?

To be honest if my girlfriend put on a lot of weight I'd have to do something, otherwise I just wouldn't find her as attractive anymore and our sex life would start to suffer. I wouldn't tell her she was unattractive though as that just isn't motivating at all but ask her to do some sort of sporting activity or healthy eating plan with me. After all Im sure both partners could benefit from being a bit fitter.

pigpen

Gavin83 wrote: »

Do you want to lose weight or you doing it just to please him?

To be honest if my girlfriend put on a lot of weight I'd have to do something, otherwise I just wouldn't find her as attractive anymore and our sex life would start to suffer. I wouldn't tell her she was unattractive though as that just isn't motivating at all but ask her to do some sort of sporting activity or healthy eating plan with me. After all Im sure both partners could benefit from being a bit fitter.

And how would you feel if she did the same to you? Would that also be acceptable?

Not meant as a dig at such fickleness.. as weight gain can be a hormone imbalance for either gender or a symptom of illness or due to inability to do high levels of exercise. Obviously if the weight is affecting their ability to live a normal life something should be done but a couple of stone/pounds... well..

Personally if my OH said he thought I should lose weight he would be the weight that went

I am amused that the op's OH wants her to be orange though.. I'd look like an oompa-loompa lol

gocurlygirl

I am sure you looked better for having your hair done,and dressing well,and ok maybe the tan did not look as you planned but I am sure it did not look too bad.You are doing well at work-maybe it makes him feel insecure and he is "punishing "you.Just remember-if you look good for yourself eventually he will notice.size 14 is normal-ok bigger then you used to be but not bad at all(how many of us wish we were-am aiming to be a 14 myself)
Am going to a gym in a local hotel-some VERY large people go too as well as small ones-we are all there to get fitter.the larger people have great respect from me-they are trying to work out their problem and work hard too.
focus on yourself now,I would think carefully about moving at this time-you need to talk carefully about future.
Tell him how you feel and that you need him to tell you good things.
Good luck,have faith in yourself,you are proabably very attractive and just need to believe in yourself.

gocurlygirl

pigpen wrote: »

Sounds like he is very unhappy with a lot of things in his life and is trying to put those feelings of his own inadequacy onto you....

I'd mention to him about hair transplants, point out every grey hair, drooping scrotum and wrinkle... mention there are courses in how to be a better lover and hair dye and maybe a face lift while he is there. :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

If he asks why tell him you thought you were being open about your feelings as he does it to you more often than is pleasant you thought it was an opening to make him a more beautiful person.

this made me laugh-but how often do we ask men to do things or say we dont find them attractive because they are fatter then before