Done something really stupid in past - now its coming back to bite me - HELP!

Pollycat

Roxyfox wrote: »

It isn't a unfounded bit of advice it won't work, it's from experience, all of my customers are male I hear there problems all night long. I never said it won't work, I said it isn't worth the bitterness and resentment that'll be under the surface ultimately for a very very long time. It already took two years to fix the first time. Unless this guy has a radically different perception of life in regards to this area of a relationship which he sounds pretty normal about it to me it's very likely to go that way. Also I'm pretty sure OP probably don't need to deal with years on end of bitterness and resentment to get through a second time because it's likely to make her want to look afield again or be miserable in some other way. Which looking at the state of the relationship it isn't going to take the strain of.

Finally yes my advice isn't generalisable to every person in every situation but no ones advice is. It's my opinion not fact, and although I hold it to be true it is still opinion she has posted here asking for advice and opinions. The point of a forum is to share different points of view. I feel that is very good advice you may not if, you don't, you have expressed this by now so hush.
Also please refraining from telling me what I have and haven't read, I know what I've read stop being Poirot about it. Just because I interpreted something differently and gave different advice doesn't mean I didn't read it.
Also you may want to note the advice is for the future so what I'm saying is she should have dumped him probably still could if they have further contact and should if she's ever in the situation in the future. She doesn't have to take my advice.
You really should just come hear to answer the OPs thread maybe amicably challenge and discuss someone else's view you shouldn't be here to put other posters down.

Well, what you said in your first post on this thread (below) sounds a pretty definite statement to me:

Roxyfox wrote: »

2) Right now I wouldn't fuss over whether he's going to dump you. I'd dump your husband. At the end of the day if he forgives you he never truly will. It'll always be under the surface and create resentment for you both. He might have managed the first time but he won't this time so save both of your time.

Roxyfox wrote: »

Also you may want to note the advice is for the future so what I'm saying is she should have dumped him probably still could if they have further contact and should if she's ever in the situation in the future. She doesn't have to take my advice.
You really should just come hear to answer the OPs thread maybe amicably challenge and discuss someone else's view you shouldn't be here to put other posters down.

What bizarre reasoning you have.
You say the OP should dump her fiance when it's she who has been seeing someone she had an affair with behind his back.

And you are still not reading (or understanding) the OP's posts.

She didn't say it 'took 2 years to fix the first time' - she did however say (post #4):

I also know i need to tell my fiance, but am SO scared at bringing it all up again, as it took a long time to rebuild things the 1st time around - and just hearing his name again is going to be bad enough for him, he is going to go absolutely ballastic of that i have NO doubt.

Errata

Roxyfox wrote: »

Look I know he didn't come back yet I read that but she posted that a while back I think it's pretty likely at some point they'll be in contact again so my advice still stands.

QUOTE]

What on earth are you dribbling on about? They already have been in contact with each other.

mountainofdebt

I think I get what roxyfox is saying - if the fiance and the OP gets back to together then this episode will always be lurking in the background, ready to be thrown back in the OP's face.

Pollycat

mountainofdebt wrote: »

I think I get what roxyfox is saying - if the fiance and the OP gets back to together then this episode will always be lurking in the background, ready to be thrown back in the OP's face.

I too get what roxyfox is saying.

My point was that her post (#144) said that it won't work and her fiance never will truly forgive her.
And this is something that nobody knows.

Many relationships do survive affairs, and some even become stronger.

Roxyfox also says her customers are all men and she hears their problems all night long.
I'm not sure what line of work she's in but does she mean all her male customers complain to her about affairs their wives/girlfriends/ fiancees have had that they are unable to forgive?

whitewing

I think Roxyfox is a dancer in a gentleman's club, and therefore I find it entirely believable that she sees how the resentments fester in a cross section of society. I also think that she has a point that the suggestion should be put to the OP that rather than try to salvage the relationship, she looks deeper at her relationship and decides if she wants to put in the effort to maintain the relationship in the future when her fiane/husband throws it back in her face. She essentially cheated with the stalker twice, as far a my opinion goes. That would be harder to forgive imho than an one-off affair, or possibly even two short-lived affairs with other people.

scooby088

Forgiveness is the greatest thing the OP relationship can have like i have stated previously in this this thread I think forgiveness is a step too far this time and I think it is possible for the fiance to forgive a second time but every row from now on the original infidelty will be brought back up as well as the current indiscretion. I for one would be walking on egg shells and be wondering if when the OP went who she was meeting up with and basically living life under the thumb of the fiance until she could be trusted again. My only advice would be to cut both of their losses and move on to seperate lives together.

Roxyfox

Pollycat wrote: »

Well, what you said in your first post on this thread (below) sounds a pretty definite statement to me:





What bizarre reasoning you have.
You say the OP should dump her fiance when it's she who has been seeing someone she had an affair with behind his back.

And you are still not reading (or understanding) the OP's posts.

She didn't say it 'took 2 years to fix the first time' - she did however say (post #4):

Stop being so pedantic I am entitled to give my advice you are entitled to say you don't agree however you're just being nasty now. I haven't read the posts in a while I don't think my points have to be factually perfect I gave general advice for the future. I believe this to be true but it is obviously opinion and open to being false as all the opinions on here on I may have stated it as a fact but we all state opinions as facts it's taken as a given that people know that what we dicuss in a forum is opinion.

My advice to you is to stop being on the attack so much over pointless little things. The OP doesn't have to take my advice it's not like I'm a goverment informant so drop it.

Roxyfox

Pollycat wrote: »

I too get what roxyfox is saying.

My point was that her post (#144) said that it won't work and her fiance never will truly forgive her.
And this is something that nobody knows.

Many relationships do survive affairs, and some even become stronger.

Roxyfox also says her customers are all men and she hears their problems all night long.
I'm not sure what line of work she's in but does she mean all her male customers complain to her about affairs their wives/girlfriends/ fiancees have had that they are unable to forgive?

Yes I'm aware it's something nobody knows, I'm not this women or in her situation I'm telling her what I believe is the best advice, I think it is especially based on my own similar situation. I actually stated that it's possible to be forgiven he already has but I think the second time will be too much even if he does ultimately forgive her I don't feel she'll cope with it in the meantime.

I'm sorry next time I'll word my comments so they don't sound so factual because apparently it results in being slated over the wording I think it's pretty obvious what I say is opinion.

I'm a lapdancer and men do give me a lot of their opinions on things and despite the preconceptions of men who go to stripclubs they're actually just everday men a lot of the time business men work partys etc. Although tbh I'm talking more from my own personal experience with relationships. However I think generally men find infidelity a lot harder to get over especially as they bottle it up.

Plus since it's the second time I wouldn't be surprised if he used this as an excuse to cheat back perhaps not consciously but in an effort to regain his self confidence

Pollycat

Roxyfox has succeeded in bring this thread back from the (imho) more important issue of the OP being stalked by the man she had an affair with to giving advice on what she should do about her relationship - which may actually be dead-in-the-water anyway.

The start of this thread did concentrate on what mistakes the OP made but for the last few days has been about advice on how she should deal with the threat of this stalker.

I did ask Roxyfox

Pollycat wrote: »

Do you have any useful advice regarding the stalker?

rather than advising the OP to dump her fiance and telling her he'll never truly forgive her. :cool:

Roxyfox

Pollycat wrote: »

Roxyfox has succeeded in bring this thread back from the (imho) more important issue of the OP being stalked by the man she had an affair with to giving advice on what she should do about her relationship - which may actually be dead-in-the-water anyway.

The start of this thread did concentrate on what mistakes the OP made but for the last few days has been about advice on how she should deal with the threat of this stalker.

I did ask Roxyfox


rather than advising the OP to dump her fiance and telling her he'll never truly forgive her. :cool:

In your opinion as you've stated I've already said drop it I'm not distracting from the main issue there are plenty of comments on that I gave my opinion for the side issue as although some had been given my advice I felt was different.

None of us know about what happened because the OP hasn't posted since her last update.

I can advise what I want I gave advice on stalkers when you ask I said the best advice is to ignore them that's all I know about stalkers hence commenting on something I do know about. I've asked you. TO DROP THE MATTER, I feel harassed I'd appreciate if you stop posting about me.

We're both hijacking the thread now so it's not helpful to anyone.