Done something really stupid in past - now its coming back to bite me - HELP!

Sambucus_Nigra

Schwade wrote: »

Another idea also but you can think about whether you want to do this - if you have any mutual friends with this stalker, it might also be good for those mutual friends to tell him that you dont want anything to do with him (but obviously your mutual friends need to frame it so that it is not like passing on the message but its their opinion (because you shouldn't give him any ideas that you are responding to him)). The reason I suggested this is because the guy is deluded and maybe if he hears it from other people, he might get the message as well. Not sure if it will work 100% though. And so take this with a pinch of salt given we are dealing with a deluded guy.

I'd disagree. That kind of person thrives on the attention - I'd be more inclined to not talk about him, just act that he's a very boring topic of conversation and that even paint drying is more exciting than discussing him. Be blase. Oh gawd, you're not still stalking me, how very dull. Haven't you got more interesting things to be doing in your life? Yawn.

That sort of thing.

The more the OP runs scared and says 'leave me alone' the more it will excite him. So, just don't do it.

Tropez

I would strongly advise against changing your mobile number as others have suggested.

While he has the ability to contact your number, whether you answer or not, he is also leaving evidence in the form of electronic traces of his behaviour, but more importantly is at least partially satisfying his need to communicate with you, or at least deluding himself into believing this.

If you change your number, he no longer has that point of "access" and statistically this is when many stalking cases become dangerous as the stalker's need (and in their minds, it is a psychological need, like a drug addict) to be in contact with you leads him to take extra few steps forward. You have already said that he has shown up at your place of work and your places of enjoyment - this is a major red flag behaviour wise - and it might not be such a reach that he would be willing to turn up at your house "just to talk".

While you still have your current number, you can at least be aware of whether he has taken the police's warning on board, or whether he is potentially dangerous in that he will act despite knowing that he has caused you enough discomfort to go to the police. Having the ability to receive calls or messages from him might not be wholly desirable but at least it helps you keep some sort of track on what he is up to. The sad truth is, when all other contact is blocked, that is when things go too far.

Roxyfox

You know what ignore everyone else's comments on here. You asked not to be judged and I'm no person to judge.

Yes you've hurt your husband and caused quite a bit of collateral. However there's a difference between a immoral act and immoral motive I don't think you meant any of this and that is important. Most people don't care about motive though, so I suggest two pieces of advice in the future in regards to relationships:

1) BE HONEST - always be honest, so then if you do decide to be friends with your exes wifes sons dog then you can't be accused of deceit and that person can voice the objection at the time so you know whether you're gonna get into !!!! or not. You know whether it's a dealbreaker or not if it isn't but they're unhappy about it at least then you can assess whether the relationship damage is worth it.

2) Right now I wouldn't fuss over whether he's going to dump you. I'd dump your husband. At the end of the day if he forgives you he never truly will. It'll always be under the surface and create resentment for you both. He might have managed the first time but he won't this time so save both of your time.

Pollycat

Roxyfox wrote: »

You know what ignore everyone else's comments on here. You asked not to be judged and I'm no person to judge.

Yes you've hurt your husband and caused quite a bit of collateral. However there's a difference between a immoral act and immoral motive I don't think you meant any of this and that is important. Most people don't care about motive though, so I suggest two pieces of advice in the future in regards to relationships:

1) BE HONEST - always be honest, so then if you do decide to be friends with your exes wifes sons dog then you can't be accused of deceit and that person can voice the objection at the time so you know whether you're gonna get into !!!! or not. You know whether it's a dealbreaker or not if it isn't but they're unhappy about it at least then you can assess whether the relationship damage is worth it.

What?

I know we're supposed to be nice to newbies but your post is a load of rubbish.

Have you even read any of the posts on here?

The OP is not married, he's her fiance.

I'm not going to get back into what the OP has done, she knows that full well, is (as far as I can tell) deeply regretful and has much more on her plate right now than what she has done to these 2 men.
She knows she should have been honest, but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Roxyfox wrote: »

2) Right now I wouldn't fuss over whether he's going to dump you. I'd dump your husband. At the end of the day if he forgives you he never truly will. It'll always be under the surface and create resentment for you both. He might have managed the first time but he won't this time so save both of your time.

This doesn't make sense.
And you have no way of knowing if her fiance (not husband) will forgive her or if he won't.

Do you have any useful advice regarding the stalker - or haven't you read that far?

paddy's_mum

Oh, flippin' 'eck ... another one who

cant be doing with reading long posts all the way through:eek:

katerinasol

Hi OP, just thought I would say I hope you work things out and freaky stalker guy finds someone else to stalk, Piers Morgan for example please let us know how you get on!

Roxyfox

Pollycat wrote: »

What?

I know we're supposed to be nice to newbies but your post is a load of rubbish.

Have you even read any of the posts on here?

The OP is not married, he's her fiance.

I'm not going to get back into what the OP has done, she knows that full well, is (as far as I can tell) deeply regretful and has much more on her plate right now than what she has done to these 2 men.
She knows she should have been honest, but hindsight is a wonderful thing.




This doesn't make sense.
And you have no way of knowing if her fiance (not husband) will forgive her or if he won't.

Do you have any useful advice regarding the stalker - or haven't you read that far?

Wow talk about patronising.

I'm so sorry I mixed up fiance and husband, it wasn't really a relevant enough fact. I did note that they were marrying soon but hey I'm tired and stressed atm sorry for the lapse. Yes I read the first few pages actually. I was replying to the OP though.

She knows she should have been honest in this situation but people have a tendency to not carry that virtue through to other things.

It does make sense, as I said even if he does it's most likely not worth it as the level of resentment and blame he'll harbour whether claiming to have forgiven her will make them bother miserable probably for years and years. Obviously there probably are miracle exceptions to the rule but I'm betting this isn't one of those he's already dealt with it once he won't deal with it properly this time.

I did read that far actually, as there are reams of page advising on that I thought it'd be pointless to write the same advice over again so I gave the advice I do have personal experience of. I've never had a stalker one of my exes did he ignored her she went away. He was a bloke though so although she had a machete under her bed at least in theory if he came to it he'd have better self defence as he was pretty 'hench'.

Roxyfox

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Oh, flippin' 'eck ... another one who

cant be doing with reading long posts all the way through:eek:

If your referring to me I did read it.

I don't see the point in this noob sign all it seems to do is give people somewhere to aim.

Pollycat

Roxyfox wrote: »

Wow talk about patronising.

I'm so sorry I mixed up fiance and husband, it wasn't really a relevant enough fact. I did note that they were marrying soon but hey I'm tired and stressed atm sorry for the lapse. Yes I read the first few pages actually. I was replying to the OP though.

She knows she should have been honest in this situation but people have a tendency to not carry that virtue through to other things.

It does make sense, as I said even if he does it's most likely not worth it as the level of resentment and blame he'll harbour whether claiming to have forgiven her will make them bother miserable probably for years and years. Obviously there probably are miracle exceptions to the rule but I'm betting this isn't one of those he's already dealt with it once he won't deal with it properly this time.

I did read that far actually, as there are reams of page advising on that I thought it'd be pointless to write the same advice over again so I gave the advice I do have personal experience of. I've never had a stalker one of my exes did he ignored her she went away. He was a bloke though so although she had a machete under her bed at least in theory if he came to it he'd have better self defence as he was pretty 'hench'.

I wasn't being patronising.

You obviously didn't read the thread that well because your advice to the OP was to leave him (her fiance).
After the OP told him what had been going on, he left the house and the OP says she's not seen him (although she has heard from him but hasn't said if they are reconciled).
So just how do you propose she 'dumps' him?
From the OP's posts, does it sound like the choice is hers?

As I said before, it is possible to get over something like this.
None of us posting on here have any idea if it will work (even assuming her fiance wants to give it another try).
I wouldn't make a sweeping assumption that it won't work.
The advice I'd give would be to not underestimate the difficulty in forgiving and especially forgetting.

Roxyfox

Pollycat wrote: »

I wasn't being patronising.

You obviously didn't read the thread that well because your advice to the OP was to leave him (her fiance).
After the OP told him what had been going on, he left the house and the OP says she's not seen him (although she has heard from him but hasn't said if they are reconciled).
So just how do you propose she 'dumps' him?
From the OP's posts, does it sound like the choice is hers?

As I said before, it is possible to get over something like this.
None of us posting on here have any idea if it will work (even assuming her fiance wants to give it another try).
I wouldn't make a sweeping assumption that it won't work.
The advice I'd give would be to not underestimate the difficulty in forgiving and especially forgetting.

Look I know he didn't come back yet I read that but she posted that a while back I think it's pretty likely at some point they'll be in contact again so my advice still stands.

It isn't a unfounded bit of advice it won't work, it's from experience, all of my customers are male I hear there problems all night long. I never said it won't work, I said it isn't worth the bitterness and resentment that'll be under the surface ultimately for a very very long time. It already took two years to fix the first time. Unless this guy has a radically different perception of life in regards to this area of a relationship which he sounds pretty normal about it to me it's very likely to go that way. Also I'm pretty sure OP probably don't need to deal with years on end of bitterness and resentment to get through a second time because it's likely to make her want to look afield again or be miserable in some other way. Which looking at the state of the relationship it isn't going to take the strain of.

Finally yes my advice isn't generalisable to every person in every situation but no ones advice is. It's my opinion not fact, and although I hold it to be true it is still opinion she has posted here asking for advice and opinions. The point of a forum is to share different points of view. I feel that is very good advice you may not if, you don't, you have expressed this by now so hush.

Also please refraining from telling me what I have and haven't read, I know what I've read stop being Poirot about it. Just because I interpreted something differently and gave different advice doesn't mean I didn't read it.

Also you may want to note the advice is for the future so what I'm saying is she should have dumped him probably still could if they have further contact and should if she's ever in the situation in the future. She doesn't have to take my advice.

You really should just come hear to answer the OPs thread maybe amicably challenge and discuss someone else's view you shouldn't be here to put other posters down.