Inappropriate relationship and wedding repercussions

Nara

Just don't get married!!

I can't really comment on how he acts since my partner has never as far as I'm aware done this, however I have.
We have a long, complicated relationship and one child together, I think anybody looking in could never understand how we feel about each other and the way that we act, but we never argue, are always honest with each other no matter how difficult the subject matter might be. I'm not even gonna get into it but if you don't feel happy then don't get married.

I have been with my partner 12 years and maybe one day I will get married who know, but if there are any doubts just don't do it, and see if you can work on your relationship without it even being mentioned.

gorgeous_gwen

mrcow wrote: »

Gwen - you sound very desperate to marry someone who doesn't want to marry you at all.

Seriously - you should try stepping out of your head for a moment and reading back through your posts.

I have done. I realise completely how it sounds from the outside. Hard to digest.

WinterGhosts wrote: »

This also happened to me. I thought I really was going mad and he enforced this fact, making me believe I was stupid until I stumbled upon the truth that he was a cheat and a liar. He was also physically abusive once he learnt that he could emotionally control me. However, it was when I found out about him cheating every day with someone else that I finally got the courage to leave. It was hard after living with him and being with him so long and I was so emotionally drained because he was the only person I had contact with but I am so glad I got out when i did, thing could have been a whole lot worse - marriage, children etc.

Please op don't let him twist you emotionally into believing anything. this could have been a one off but why did he then continue and lie to you about it? It doesn't sound like he was sorry at all.

(I haven't read all of the posts so I appologise if I haven't read anything pertinent to what I've just said).

good luck to you though and I hope that you make the right decision for yourself and your life

He was in the fog. He liked her, she made it very clear she liked him. She was rather self-confident and forward and although I don't think he has realised this himself, I think he was attracted to that confidence she had which I have lost somewhat.

He says he never had the intention of taking it to the next step, which I believe, as he certainly had the opportunity but didn't. He was indulging his ego, liked knowing another woman found him attractive, and crossed the line. He came out of the fog and realised he'd acted like a fool, and we made steps to mending things, which is where we are now.

I am as sure as I can be that he no longer has contact so I am not worried about that. And I don't believe what happened is representative of him as a person, so I am willing to look at forgiving him. But if it happened again, that would be it, no more chances.

January20 wrote: »

Exactly! Marriage doesn't mean anything to him. He only agreed to it because you wanted to. He doesn't really want to do it. What do you think marriage will bring you? you as a person? you as a couple? Finally you as a family? Are you craving security? is it for appearances? Pressure from family? Do you think it shows his commitment to you? Forsaking all others and all that? Won't stop him cheating if he wants to!

I have been thinking about this since I read your post, about what marriage means to me. I think it means a commitment to the future, together, for the benefit of us as a couple, and the family.

I have been thinking since yesterday. Since our argument, I cooled off somewhat. I have toned things down, not been off with him or anything like that, but stepped back a little. Working on getting some perspective, and considering my options. I understand I have a need for things to happen (ie decisions to be made) right now, and am thinking about why I feel like that, is it necessary, what would happen if I didn't make a decision right now, and so on. I feel surprisingly calm and rational compared to a couple of days ago. I know he senses me pulling back, he keeps asking if something is the matter, am I ok? I am going to consider my timeframe decision, look back at what he did, what has happened since, how things are now, and what is planned for the future and consider things carefully.

January20

You see Gwen, I was asking because I've been married and it didn't stop him from cheating, so for me "showing commitment"? what commitment?

It's good that you are starting to think about everything, not because I think you should split up, but because I think you should start to protect yourself and be more self-reliant emotionally.

gorgeous_gwen

January20 wrote: »

You see Gwen, I was asking because I've been married and it didn't stop him from cheating, so for me "showing commitment"? what commitment?

It's good that you are starting to think about everything, not because I think you should split up, but because I think you should start to protect yourself and be more self-reliant emotionally.

Part of this process has made me realise I am quite codependent. I have in thepast (and still am to a degree but am consciously working on this) found MY mood is governed by other people's actions. I have been working successfully on my self-esteem which took a huge hit, but through counselling and self-help I have realised that actually I am rather bloody brilliant:D I KNOW I handled the marriage thing all wrong... Unfortunately emotion governed logic on that one, which is another thing I'm working on but don't always get it 100%:o

Distancing myself to think is helping me to protect myself. It helps me to see things from a distance, to be able to consider "me" within the "us". I feel that a few months' worth of "time" will enable me to gain as much objectivity as one can get, stepping back, to know what is the best way forward for me.

Bettybigboobs

Being married doesn't put a end to the cheating. Sadly.

gorgeous_gwen

Bettybigboobs wrote: »

Being married doesn't put a end to the cheating. Sadly.

No I know. I don't all of a sudden want to get married to magically make things better, if that's how it appears. I wanted to get married before all of this came about.

Now? If I'm being honest it's partly because I feel it says a lot about how committed he is now to the relationship. Thus the irony that *he* is the one putting it off until things are better... The trouble is, I will never actually believe he *will* do it until we do, iyswim? Thus the timeframe, I don't want to be still here waiting in 5/10 years with promises that "we will when x/y/z happens" and x/y/z never come around, or get replaced with a/b/c...

January20

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

No I know. I don't all of a sudden want to get married to magically make things better, if that's how it appears. I wanted to get married before all of this came about.

Now? If I'm being honest it's partly because I feel it says a lot about how committed he is now to the relationship. Thus the irony that *he* is the one putting it off until things are better... The trouble is, I will never actually believe he *will* do it until we do, iyswim? Thus the timeframe, I don't want to be still here waiting in 5/10 years with promises that "we will when x/y/z happens" and x/y/z never come around, or get replaced with a/b/c...

But Gwen, and you don't have to answer this on here if you don't want to, couldn't you be happy as a family with your partner and children without getting married?

Plans_all_plans

If you want to get married after all he's been up to (I wouldn't, but it's not my decision) have you said I want us to be married by xxx date or I'm off?

I personally wouldn't have stayed with my DD's dad if he wasn't going to marry me and I told him that. We have since got married. The way I saw it was that if he wanted me to wash, clean, iron, look after our child, act like man and wife in every other way etc etc, then the least he should do is make a proper commitment to me. If he wasn't prepared to do so, then I wasn't prepared to stay just living together.

It depends on your priorities though.

Best of luck.

ellie101

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

Part of this process has made me realise I am quite codependent. I have in thepast (and still am to a degree but am consciously working on this) found MY mood is governed by other people's actions. I have been working successfully on my self-esteem which took a huge hit, but through counselling and self-help I have realised that actually I am rather bloody brilliant:D I KNOW I handled the marriage thing all wrong... Unfortunately emotion governed logic on that one, which is another thing I'm working on but don't always get it 100%:o

Distancing myself to think is helping me to protect myself. It helps me to see things from a distance, to be able to consider "me" within the "us". I feel that a few months' worth of "time" will enable me to gain as much objectivity as one can get, stepping back, to know what is the best way forward for me.

hello Gwen, I'm not sure you did handle the marriage thing all wrong as such.. there is nothing wrong with wanting to get married, but it has to be with someone that's right for you.

I'm pretty codependent (still am at times), and I have to stop myself basing my life around others.

In that regard I find this site very useful for reading about relationships: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/

It's got a lot of stuff on there about dating and meeting people, however if you look through it there's lots about self-esteem, saying what you will/won't accept.

Good luck with everything.

gorgeous_gwen

January20 wrote: »

But Gwen, and you don't have to answer this on here if you don't want to, couldn't you be happy as a family with your partner and children without getting married?

I could be happy, yes. I wouldn't be completely happy though.

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

If you want to get married after all he's been up to (I wouldn't, but it's not my decision) have you said I want us to be married by xxx date or I'm off?

I personally wouldn't have stayed with my DD's dad if he wasn't going to marry me and I told him that. We have since got married. The way I saw it was that if he wanted me to wash, clean, iron, look after our child, act like man and wife in every other way etc etc, then the least he should do is make a proper commitment to me. If he wasn't prepared to do so, then I wasn't prepared to stay just living together.

It depends on your priorities though.

Best of luck.

I have. I have said I am not prepared to wait around forever or to find myself in a situation (like I mentioned in aprevious post) where we say we want to get married but 5 or 10 years down the line we're still together and it hasn't happened.

Thus the timeframe for me. I've given myself what I feel is a reasonable amount of time to work out the trust issues and see where we're headed. In this time I would expect to see a continued commitment from him to doing his bit to rebuild trust, I would put in the work with this (ie looking forward, not hanging it over his head all the time). After some time I would be looking for an expression of interest from him in marriage, not something vague like he "wants to" but setting a date. This, I would be looking for to be instigated by him. At the end of this time, if he isn't showing any willing or continues to want to wait, then I will gracefully bow out as I can be fairly sure after a few years, if he isn't wanting to after the will-we-won't-we dance, then if I stayed I'd find myself in a perpetual waiting game.

I completely agree btw about acting like husband and wife but not BEING husband and wife.

ellie101 wrote: »

hello Gwen, I'm not sure you did handle the marriage thing all wrong as such.. there is nothing wrong with wanting to get married, but it has to be with someone that's right for you.

I'm pretty codependent (still am at times), and I have to stop myself basing my life around others.

In that regard I find this site very useful for reading about relationships: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/

It's got a lot of stuff on there about dating and meeting people, however if you look through it there's lots about self-esteem, saying what you will/won't accept.

Good luck with everything.

I checked it out and it's a great site. I've been looking at a lot of stuff like that. Ah I wish someone had explained boundaries to me when I was younger...