Inappropriate relationship and wedding repercussions

JoJoB

CFC wrote: »

Trouble is that leopards don't change their spots. People with self esteem issues don't suddenly stop having them, and their need to feed their ego will always trump over any other concern.

He's having counselling so no doubt these very issues are being addressed and he has more insight about his behaviour and drives.

It's really unhelpful and untrue this whole "leopards don't change their spots" thing. He's not a leopard, he's a human being and as such capable of great insight, change and personal growth. Unless he's a psychopath or massive narcissist. The fact that he has consented to counselling at least shows willing - men are notoriously bad at agreeing to relationship counselling in the first place.

OP I think your reaction to the deception is perfectly sane and you are going to need this type of reassurance for some time. He seems to understand this too - it's a perfectly natural response to being exposed to long-term deception. This is how YOU have been affected by the deception, he has to accept it for the moment.

However you also have to accept that he has been affected by his own actions too. If he is in the position of being truly remorseful about what he has done then he is going to have a shedload of guilt being carried around. If it was out of character behaviour then it has probably shaken him up about how little he knows himself, especially if he had the usual opinions of "cheaters" that most of us do. He may be feeling unworthy of you. All of these things I would think would make him want to put the brakes on marriage proceedings - not necessarily being a commitment-phobe in general.

Many partnerships have experience this sort of crisis. Aside from abusive situations, scratch the surface of any long-term relationship and there have been doubts, distractions, bad behaviour, and complete breakdown at times. It either gets worse and you split or you both deal with the issues with kindness and intelligence and one day you wake up on the other side ever so much stronger for the experience. I hope the latter happens for you, it sounds very much like you are both wanting it to happen.