Inappropriate relationship and wedding repercussions

Errata

He said, would I change my name at work when I got married? I looked at him in confusion and said, "umm..." He said, "Mrs. [his surname]" (ahem!) I didn't say anything but was left REALLY confused...

TBH you're not doing yourself any favours by "ummm ing". Ask him what he's getting at, trying to infer, and you won't be confused. I think there may be a lot of talking going on in your head, a lot of second guessing, when if you had a conversation with with both of you giving straight answers to staight questions both of you might find what your futures look like.

Gingham_R

What he did was terrible and I don't have a comment about whether or not he would behave like that in the future given that I don't know him. It's not just the infidelity but the way he manipulated you that is dreadful.

But saying that he's not prepared to get married at the moment - that's VERY sensible. And saying that he needs YOU to get the trust back before the wedding could be back on? Too right! You shouldn't be considering it until you feel secure in the relationship and, more importantly, that you feel confident that you are marrying him for the right reasons.

Tiger_greeneyes

I wouldn't read anything into anything Gwen, your head is clearly in danger of rotating off your neck. It seems to me that marriage is almost the be-all and end-all for you? Is there any way you can put the marriage idea on hold until you've worked through your trust issues? I have a feeling that if he got down on bended knee tomorrow, the real issues here would be filed under 'misc history' but it will still be unresolved. Stuff like that festers. If you're really determined that he's 'the one', it's worth dealing with one major issue at a time or you'll drive yourself absolutely bonkers.

ashaput

Sorry to say but I think you should leave him. I agree with almost the posters here saying he seems do not want to marry you anymore. He has found someone new in his life and I think you are not worth to wait for him. Sorry for my messy English but I hope you can get my point here.

gorgeous_gwen

Errata wrote: »

TBH you're not doing yourself any favours by "ummm ing". Ask him what he's getting at, trying to infer, and you won't be confused. I think there may be a lot of talking going on in your head, a lot of second guessing, when if you had a conversation with with both of you giving straight answers to staight questions both of you might find what your futures look like.

I "ummed":) simply because he completely took me by surprise. And you are right, if you picture that internal monologue that JD from Scrubs has going on, that is me, all the time!

Gingham_R wrote: »

What he did was terrible and I don't have a comment about whether or not he would behave like that in the future given that I don't know him. It's not just the infidelity but the way he manipulated you that is dreadful.

But saying that he's not prepared to get married at the moment - that's VERY sensible. And saying that he needs YOU to get the trust back before the wedding could be back on? Too right! You shouldn't be considering it until you feel secure in the relationship and, more importantly, that you feel confident that you are marrying him for the right reasons.

I don't disagree that it is sensible. It makes sense, of course it does. But I would say HE needs to get the trust back, that is on his shoulders. I also have to reiterate that I wouldn't marry him just because he asked; more that I needed to know that ultimately this is where the relationship would be headed.

Tiger_greeneyes wrote: »

I wouldn't read anything into anything Gwen, your head is clearly in danger of rotating off your neck. It seems to me that marriage is almost the be-all and end-all for you? Is there any way you can put the marriage idea on hold until you've worked through your trust issues? I have a feeling that if he got down on bended knee tomorrow, the real issues here would be filed under 'misc history' but it will still be unresolved. Stuff like that festers. If you're really determined that he's 'the one', it's worth dealing with one major issue at a time or you'll drive yourself absolutely bonkers.

If he did get down on bended knee now, I really wouldn't just say, yes, let's do it and "forget" about the trust issues. Believe me, there is NO WAY I could forget about it. I think about it a lot, not as much as I did do right after it happened, but I do, and we have been working on it through counselling. I could not go as far as setting another date until I felt very confident he understands why he did what he did and what he would do differently next time.

Steel_2

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

I asked him, genuinely, what did he feel he'd done this last week to help mend things? What did he think about that he thought, yes, that'd really help reassure Gwen? He couldn't say anything. He protests at the little things I have asked (he explained they would be awkward, such as calling me from work, ok so genuine reason he can't as he's busy) but what about the rest of the time?

He just doesn't think about what he can do. It seems he only thinks about it if we're at counselling, or I bring it up. Talk about a knife in the back... That is as good as saying my feelings aren't important enough for him to take time to consider. I am livid.

He's gone out now. I have been stewing over things. I don't want to react out of emotion but tbh I now feel I am being shown very clearly how much he considers my feelings about what he did. Not very much.

Why does he need to call you at work? To reassure you that he loves you and thinks about you? What other things have you asked him to do?

I think you're basing your self-esteem and self-confidence on his actions, when in fact you need to start being more self sufficient in generating both yourself independent of him.

Your confidence in his love for you shouldn't revolve around whether he phones you from work, brings you flowers, rubs your feet or any number of other little things that I hear many people say (unfortunately usually women) that they expect in a relationship and would be proof everything was working well.

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

If he did get down on bended knee now, I really wouldn't just say, yes, let's do it and "forget" about the trust issues.

So the poor sod couldn't win either way. From your posts he sounds ruddy confused and to be honest so am I.

I think rather than work on your relationship Gwen, you need to work on your self-confidence.

The constant focus on your relationship at the moment is 'working on the relationship' instead of 'enjoying it, each other and our family'.

You're both turning your relationship into a chore.

No-one like chores because they are no fun, they're a duty to perform.

gorgeous_gwen

Steel wrote: »

Why does he need to call you at work? To reassure you that he loves you and thinks about you? What other things have you asked him to do?

The calling at work... He met this girl on an assignment at work he was for a few weeks. She made a pass at him at work, after he told me he said not to worry because he wouldn't be working there again... The next day... yes he was working there again. He usually would call or text during the day but didn't and I knew something was up so I called him when he sheepishly told me where he was. I also found out not long after that although he was afterwards on a different assignment elsewhere nearby, he called in to where the old assignment was to leave little presents for her.

We have also agreed on complete transparency, that is, complete openness on who he is calling, texting, chatting to on Facebook. He is being open with passwords to various accounts, so if I wonder about something, I am able to have a look, and he is fine with this, the premise being he has nothing to hide, has no secrets.

I think you're basing your self-esteem and self-confidence on his actions, when in fact you need to start being more self sufficient in generating both yourself independent of him.

Your confidence in his love for you shouldn't revolve around whether he phones you from work, brings you flowers, rubs your feet or any number of other little things that I hear many people say (unfortunately usually women) that they expect in a relationship and would be proof everything was working well.

Right. My take on this, is that the things I am asking of him, are not me just asking him to show me love. They are reassuring actions designed for him to show me that he is trustworthy, is being straight down the line with me, and is committed to rebuilding the trust he broke.

It's not that I'm basing my self-esteem and self-confidence on his actions. I *did* when I first found out, it was a real hatchet job on my self-esteem. However I now realise what he did was about him, not me. I do not base my self-worth on him acting like a total tool. Because I am brilliant, if he acts like a tool then that's HIS call:D

So the poor sod couldn't win either way. From your posts he sounds ruddy confused and to be honest so am I.

I think rather than work on your relationship Gwen, you need to work on your self-confidence.

The constant focus on your relationship at the moment is 'working on the relationship' instead of 'enjoying it, each other and our family'.

You're both turning your relationship into a chore.

No-one like chores because they are no fun, they're a duty to perform.

The thing is: I tried the fake-it-til-you-make-it approach with being happya little while ago. I thought if I put concerted efforts into being happy, I would BE happy. I was, to a degree. The trouble is, he sees me being happy, he thinks it's great, BUT he then thinks I am not thinking about what happened and that I am fine. Which I'm not. We all agreed it was better for me to be direct and say what I had to say, when I thought of it. It isn't constant talking about the relationship, if that is how it sounds.

We have done a lot of work on the relationship by way of quality time, and how we respond to each other. We have had more couple time since this happened, gone out on more "dates" than we have done in the whole of the last year. I have done a lot of work on my self-esteem and confidence, he sees me finding my own life again, my own interests, and I know he likes me finding my independence.

I guess I resent the implication from him that the trust issues are my fault. I almost feel he's passive aggressively punishing me: like he's saying, "I hate that you don't trust me completely, I hate knowing that you feel uncomfortable at the thought of me going out with my friends without you, so I'm going to withhold what YOU really want, knowing you really want it, to get you to step down." I don't think he even realises. The stupid thing about it is that is really the ONLY circumstances I do feel uncomfortable with. And it happens quite infrequently anyway, he just hates knowing I feel that way.

Gleeful

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

We have also agreed on complete transparency, that is, complete openness on who he is calling, texting, chatting to on Facebook. He is being open with passwords to various accounts, so if I wonder about something, I am able to have a look, and he is fine with this, the premise being he has nothing to hide, has no secrets.

That is madness. If I was him I'd be leaving you. Big brother, or what? Does he even have to tell you how many times a day he goes to the toilet, and what time?

Sorry, diplomacy is not my strong point on forums....

I do think some of the trust issues are your fault. You are exacerbating them by watching him 24/7 and winding yourself up about it.

RacyRed

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

Well, the last couple of times I've talked to him about related things, he's talked, then done his, "let's talk about something else.".......

He has talked, but not to your satisfaction - what is he saying and what more do you want him to say?

I feel that his efforts in mending things are directly proportional to how much he cares. ...

This is worrying

We were talking yesterday about me getting back to work, the training I'd have to do. He asked what my name would be when I was working, I replied, "well, Miss ******** wouldn't it?" He said, would I change my name at work when I got married? I looked at him in confusion and said, "umm..." He said, "Mrs. [his surname" ......

Is this him saying to you that there is nothing to stop you calling yourself Mrs ***** when you start a new job? Is this his way of telling you that he finds you a little obsessive about the marriage issue at the moment?

Right. My take on this, is that the things I am asking of him, are not me just asking him to show me love. They are reassuring actions designed for him to show me that he is trustworthy, is being straight down the line with me, and is committed to rebuilding the trust he broke...

I can see the need for this for a while, but there is something a little sinister about the way you put this Gwen. What indications of growing trust are you giving him?

guess I resent the implication from him that the trust issues are my fault. I almost feel he's passive aggressively punishing me: like he's saying, "I hate that you don't trust me completely, I hate knowing that you feel uncomfortable at the thought of me going out with my friends without you, so I'm going to withhold what YOU really want, knowing you really want it, to get you to step down." I don't think he even realises. The stupid thing about it is that is really the ONLY circumstances I do feel uncomfortable with. And it happens quite infrequently anyway, he just hates knowing I feel that way...

You are the one witholding forgiveness Gwen, have you considered how that may make him feel?

I thought if I put concerted efforts into being happy, I would BE happy. I was, to a degree. The trouble is, he sees me being happy, he thinks it's great, BUT he then thinks I am not thinking about what happened and that I am fine. Which I'm not.

The bit I have emboldened is the really worrying part. You haven't forgiven him yet have you Gwen, and you are showing no indication that you are even close to it. Worse, it doesn't sound as if you actually want to forgive him.

If you really want to marry this man then you have to let this issue slide into the past at some point but you have taken control of that for yourself Gwen. So it is your call, and yours only. Marriage would be very wrong until such time as you both share the control.

Your partner is right not to consider marrriage until you are both in a far more comfortable place than you currently are. Yes, what he did was very wrong, but it sounds to me as if you have lost all sense of perspective now. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it is how you are coming across to me in your posts.

Sorry to say it, but this is not the time to be discussing marriage.

It is time to think hard about what you want him to do before you feel you can forgive him?

Gingham_R

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

. But I would say HE needs to get the trust back, that is on his shoulders. .

I'm sorry but I disagree quite strongly here. He has no control over your emotions. He has a responsibility not to lie to you/be unfaithful again. He has a responsibility to treat you with respect and love. He doesn't have the responsibility of making you trust him.

That's an impossible situation. There is no trust where you feel you have to snoop on him/have him call you from work. That's the exact opposite of trust. Transparency is fine and I hope you work through this. But do you want an open, trusting relationship or do you want to be able to know what he's doing all the time?

You're obviously really hurt and upset, so I don't want this to sound harsh in any way. I think how you're reacting is unsurprising given the circumstances. But I think in order to move on you probably need to accept that your feelings belong to you and they are not his to fix.