Inappropriate relationship and wedding repercussions

Fire_Fox

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

We were talking yesterday about me getting back to work, the training I'd have to do. He asked what my name would be when I was working, I replied, "well, Miss ******** wouldn't it?"

He said, would I change my name at work when I got married? I looked at him in confusion and said, "umm..." He said, "Mrs. [his surname]" (ahem!) I didn't say anything but was left REALLY confused... What is this? He wants to get married? Is he assuming everything will work out fine like we originally planned? It reads to me like he thinks this will ride out ok, it's obviously a bigger deal to me than it is to him.

That reads to me that he realises the boot may one day be on the other foot. You will have a life that does not involve him, that you will know people that he does not know, that you will meet men that will find you attractive. If you wear a wedding ring and use your married name you are branded as his. It's very common for the unfaithful to be suspicious of their partners, covertly or overtly. Every time you check up on him you are reaffirming that how desperately you need this to work, stop because desperation is incredibly unattractive and will only make you miserable.

The way I read the whole thing is that he either does not want to get married or does not want to marry you or both. If he did he would have proposed romantically, you wouldn't have got to the stage of discussing it like some sort of business merger. If marriage was what you wanted from day one, you should not have moved in together nor had children nor washed his smelly socks. The only way I can see to persuade him he cannot have his cake and eat it is to stop being so predictable. He knows you want to marry the father of your children, he knows you have a mental time limit but he knows your boundaries are elastic or you'd have long since kicked him out.

Stop the relationship discussions unless you are in a counselling session, he is never going to say what you want to hear when he doesn't even want to be having that conversation. Stop endlessly analysing this relationship, stop talking and thinking about getting married and start building a life for yourself. Stop discussing getting a job with your housemate, just quietly start hunting for one like any single woman can. Take steps towards a social life that does not involve him, HAVE FUN with your friends whilst your housemate babysits. Take steps towards looking in the mirror and seeing a confident self-sufficient woman looking back - overhaul your life and your physical self. Let him see the woman he fell in love with slipping from his grasp. :T

Tiger_greeneyes

marywooyeah wrote: »

tiger green eyes that sounds awful! so glad you got away from such a controlling horrible man.
one of my exes had a similar "questionnaire", once my phone died and when I got home he had a go at me asking why I was ignoring him and why I'd "deliberately" switched it off to avoid him, when his phone bill came it was 7 pages long showing each time he'd rang me during that period (which was only a few hours!)

I called it a questionnaire too! I'm glad you got away from yours, too *hugs*

Tiger_greeneyes

Fire_Fox wrote: »

That reads to me that he realises the boot may one day be on the other foot. You will have a life that does not involve him, that you will know people that he does not know, that you will meet men that will find you attractive. If you wear a wedding ring and use your married name you are branded as his. It's very common for the unfaithful to be suspicious of their partners, covertly or overtly. Every time you check up on him you are reaffirming that how desperately you need this to work, stop because desperation is incredibly unattractive and will only make you miserable.

The way I read the whole thing is that he either does not want to get married or does not want to marry you or both. If he did he would have proposed romantically, you wouldn't have got to the stage of discussing it like some sort of business merger. If marriage was what you wanted from day one, you should not have moved in together nor had children nor washed his smelly socks. The only way I can see to persuade him he cannot have his cake and eat it is to stop being so predictable. He knows you want to marry the father of your children, he knows you have a mental time limit but he knows your boundaries are elastic or you'd have long since kicked him out.

Stop the relationship discussions unless you are in a counselling session, he is never going to say what you want to hear when he doesn't even want to be having that conversation. Stop endlessly analysing this relationship, stop talking and thinking about getting married and start building a life for yourself. Stop discussing getting a job with your housemate, just quietly start hunting for one like any single woman can. Take steps towards a social life that does not involve him, HAVE FUN with your friends whilst your housemate babysits. Take steps towards looking in the mirror and seeing a confident self-sufficient woman looking back - overhaul your life and your physical self. Let him see the woman he fell in love with slipping from his grasp. :T

I completely agree. I actually think that any marriage to come from the relationship as it is will just be down to control tactics. Him taking ownership of her with a wedding ring and her accepting his ring because she can tell herself it's got to mean he loves her and they'll be happy ever after. Like I said way back in the thread, marrying the wrong person is the end of the fairytale, not the beginning. There is no fairytale in this relationship and until everyone stops going around in circles there never will be. I hate to say this but if it wasn't for the children, I honestly don't think they'd be together.

This demonstrative lack of trust must be miserable. For instance - if my husband checked my phone or facebook etc, I'd feel like I was doing something wrong, even though I wasn't - and under permanent suspicion, walking on egg shells. No wonder he doesn't want to get married, who would want to choose that way of life forever?

The longer this goes on, the more likely he will be run a mile - and if he does end up having an affair with someone else, he'll find some way of concealing it that doesn't involve his phone or facebook account. He could have half a dozen different facebook accounts in various names, spare sim cards that he leaves at work etc. Checking up on him and not finding something incriminating doesn't mean he's being faithful. He might as well not be, every time he's checked out it's probably like being accused all over again.

I understand that the OP says the issue isn't with her, but something is making him unhappy enough to not want to marry the mother of his children

marywooyeah

Tiger_greeneyes wrote: »

I called it a questionnaire too! I'm glad you got away from yours, too *hugs*

thankyou, although I came away from the relationship having lost my baby, skint, physically and mentally scarred and kipping on a mate's sofa - and I was only 19!
but you know what they say about things that don't kill you.....

Tiger_greeneyes

marywooyeah wrote: »

thankyou, although I came away from the relationship having lost my baby, skint, physically and mentally scarred and kipping on a mate's sofa - and I was only 19!
but you know what they say about things that don't kill you.....

That's beyond awful, it really is I have so much respect for anyone who escapes an abusive relationship like that, I really do. So many people do, justifying it with they 'love' the person they're with. As I see it, that's not love. My ex got bound over for a year and from what I understand, a VERY hard time in the cells with men who aren't such cowards that they have to pick on women. Karma can be a biatch sometimes.

Things that don't kill you can actually save your life in many ways, not just the obvious. I hope your life and future are immeasurably better than your ex's, nobody deserves scum like that.

marywooyeah

Tiger_greeneyes wrote: »

That's beyond awful, it really is I have so much respect for anyone who escapes an abusive relationship like that, I really do. So many people do, justifying it with they 'love' the person they're with. As I see it, that's not love. My ex got bound over for a year and from what I understand, a VERY hard time in the cells with men who aren't such cowards that they have to pick on women. Karma can be a biatch sometimes.

Things that don't kill you can actually save your life in many ways, not just the obvious. I hope your life and future are immeasurably better than your ex's, nobody deserves scum like that.

sounds like your ex got what he deserved!
I know what you mean, but at the time I honestly thought he did love me - seems pathetic to say it now.
It has affected me deeply - I'll never get over the loss of my child. I have another little boy now and am marrying a wonderful (and very sexy :beer: ) man this saturday, nearly finished my law degree and saving a house deposit so things are good for me now, thankyou

any news OP? I hope you are ok x

Tiger_greeneyes

marywooyeah wrote: »

sounds like your ex got what he deserved!
I know what you mean, but at the time I honestly thought he did love me - seems pathetic to say it now.
It has affected me deeply - I'll never get over the loss of my child. I have another little boy now and am marrying a wonderful (and very sexy :beer: ) man this saturday, nearly finished my law degree and saving a house deposit so things are good for me now, thankyou

any news OP? I hope you are ok x

Oooo! Congratulations on your baby and upcoming marriage - and your law degree, too!

:bdaycake: Sorry, it's the closest I could find to anything weddingy!

I'm a great believer in things happening for the best. As it is, you have no ties with your evil ex - can you imagine handing over your child to him every weekend or whatever? Having someone like that for a father? You can't help feeling so sorry for children who end up with a parent like that. I know that will never make up for the loss of your baby though, I've lost more than I can count on both hands and never went on to have a viable pregnancy. Life never brings you what you expect of it when you're a child! If you go on to be happy and successful then it hasn't all been in vain.

Yes, I'm wondering how Gwen's doing too?

bebebelle

Anyone in this situation, all I can say is sit and have a think about what you would say to a friend who said these things to you, about a potential husband. Would it be your dream situation for her, would you encourage her to put her future in his hands. It is the most powerful exercise. If its not good enough for others, the situation is not good enough for you.

I hope you find love in the arms of someone who will treat you well, and value you for the person you are.

Like others have said, this behaviour does not change after a ring is on your finger. I wish you luck and happiness Gwen.

CFC

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

If he did get down on bended knee now, I really wouldn't just say, yes, let's do it and "forget" about the trust issues. Believe me, there is NO WAY I could forget about it. I think about it a lot, not as much as I did do right after it happened, but I do, and we have been working on it through counselling. I could not go as far as setting another date until I felt very confident he understands why he did what he did and what he would do differently next time.

Trouble is that leopards don't change their spots. People with self esteem issues don't suddenly stop having them, and their need to feed their ego will always trump over any other concern.

1echidna

Probably shouldn't say this but reading the OPs post and little else, why can't she just make a little fun of him about his dalliance, and laugh it off?