Inappropriate relationship and wedding repercussions

Tiger_greeneyes

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

I'm not scared to be on my own. I've been there, done it and got the t-shirt.

According to you I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't... It's not looking good out there whatever I do!

On the contrary Gwen, breakups are sometimes necessary, especially if you both want different things out of life.

The way I see it is that he's the father to your children and you've been together for some time - plus you want to get married - so it seems logical that almost by default, he's the one to marry.

Do you really want to marry somebody at all costs that you'll accept somebody knowing he doesn't want to marry you and knowing you've not been involved exclusively in his love/sex-life and knowing he justifies his deceit by blaming you for his misdemeanours and telling you it's actually ok because it was over the phone rather than in person? If he thinks it's ok to do that, then what's to stop him doing it again? I think he's just going through the motions to pacify you because he knows that you'll eventually let him off because you have your heart set on marrying him at all costs. You're being controlled, not loved.

Marrying the wrong person will only give you a false sense of security, it won't be real and it won't fulfill your dream. He isn't making you happy now and a piece of paper that he clearly doesn't want isn't going to miraculously make him your knight in shining armour.

There's someone for everyone and if you marry the wrong one then you're only sabotaging yourself - and divorce will have a huge effect on your children. Do you really feel that strongly about getting married that you don't feel you're worthy of being with someone who makes you happy?

Take a step back, see his head games for what they are and realise that you're deserving of someone who loves you enough that they want to make you happy. You're worth a hundred of him.

gorgeous_gwen

Tiger_greeneyes wrote: »

I'm wondering if you're giving him too much credit? He got caught out and he knows he has to do his bit to make it up to you so is he going through the motions and pulling the right faces just to get himself out of trouble or because he wants you to marry him? It's not the latter, is it...

It all boils down to the question of "does he have respect for you?" You've already told us that he doesn't because of his infidelity. Also, if he respected you then he wouldn't have tried to justify his behaviour by telling you how good he is because he didn't go further than text sex with her. That's probably just a matter of geographics - if she lived 20 miles away, do you think he'd have stopped at just having phone sex? If I posted a poll on that one I think we all know what the results would be - and another poll for "will he do it again?". Just the fact he's avoiding marrying you and doesn't want to have relationship talks etc speaks volumes about any respect he holds for you.

If what you want is the same as what he wanted, then he'd be doing it.

I won't go into the finer points of what happened with this other woman, but it is complicated because *I* see what happened differently to how he sees it.

It wasn't phone sex btw. It's hard to explain without telling the entire story, but he did have the opportunity to get down to it with her, but didn't. The problem lies hugely in where his boundaries lie/lay and what he deems acceptable behaviour. For example, I think/thought it inappropriate for him to carry on a "friendship" with this woman, given her intentions were obvious. He didn't tell me about things that happened, because he didn't think them importaqnt, but the fact he didn't mention them spoke volumes that he knew I'd be upset because of the intention behind them and the feelings involved.

He also undertook no contact, but after a month he texted her something which, whilst not sexual, was definitely inappropriate given the circumstances and gave her the "thumbs up" if you like that he could be interested. He didn't tell me about this, but said SHE'D been texting HIM. I found out, he blamed it on being drunk at the time, and I kicked him out.

WE ended up getting back together, going to counselling.

He's frustrated because he is reminded of what he did every time I talk about it. He can't accept that the person who did those things IS him. When I say things like, I worry who you're texting or calling at times, he says, he'd never get in contact with her, he wouldn't be sat with me and texting her, like it's outrageous for me to even think that! He doesn't even see that the things I worry about, that he says he'd never do, are the things that he DID do and that's why I worry!

I don't know...

emma12345

Gwen, I've been in your situation with my OH several years ago. He was texting secretly to someone, hundreds of texts a day, some of them quite lovey dovey too. I don't know whether it was a physical affair but it was certainly an emotional one.

Like you, he never really apologised. Not properly anyway. The words coming out of someone's mouth are very different if they continue to act in an uncaring way towards you.

Making a long story short, my suggestion to you is to become a strong independent woman in your own right. Set a time for doing this, perhaps a year or so. Get back to work part time, have your own life, go back to being who you used to be before you became dependent on him with the children, before he held all the cards.

I know you think I'm mad saying this and not addressing the real point about marriage but I really do feel if you do this and forget about marriage for a year or so, when you're stronger and more independent you will be more certain of making the right decision for you, whatever that is.

Really there is no hurry to get married, no biological clock ticking, you have your children. Get back your life, get back your independence and then make your decision. You may be shocked to discover marriage is no longer such a big issue with you when you are not stuck at home with him effectively controlling your life. Or he may fall for you all over again when he realises you are not such a dead cert and you also have your own life.

I hope this doesn't come across as mean or uncaring, it's not meant to be. It's what I should have done if only I could have found the strength at the time.

Caroline_a

Please dont take this as a criticism, but is it the marriage you want, or the wedding? I've been married twice, and tbh, marriage aint all that! The weddings were fun though

Errata

I asked him how would he know when the trust was back? He replied, when I said. I said I could say tomorrow I trusted him again, he said yes, then we'd look at getting married. If I meant it.

He's playing mind games with you.

Kimitatsu

Gwen

How is what you see different to what he did? Just because he didnt get down and dirty this time does NOT mean that he wont next time. There will be a next time if he doesnt know what was missing and how he was looking to this relationship to fill that gap.

He texted her again because he was drunk? Rubbish, all that meant was that the defences were down and he wanted to text her, he enjoyed the attention, and one thing will lead to another.

You talk about forgiveness, but when are you going to forgive yourself? You are angry with him for having broken an understanding but that is what marriage is all about, an understanding to love honour and cherish (nope never ever did I say obey) that person through thick and thin, for richer for poorer for better for worse. Those promises are important to you, but they are not to him (or they are important and he doesnt want to make them).

You have two lovely boys, who will look at their parents as role models as they grow through life. What sort of role model is your partner currently giving them? That actually comittment is a bad thing, that nights out with the boys, getting drunk and flirting with other women is how you become a man? Neglecting those you love at home, as long as they have "enough" to be getting by with? After all he is not keen to really support you going back to work.

If that is not what you want for your beautiful babies then perhaps you should forgive yourself for having laboured on, kick him out, and allow someone who really wants you, who wants to set a good example for your babies and set them off on the road in life with moral boundaries, ambition to better themselves and to care for those they love.

First step is always the hardest but perhaps instead of cogitating you should listen to your heart.

Good luck because the first step is always the hardest, but many many of us on here have done it and we all lived to tell the tale x

Tiger_greeneyes

Errata wrote: »

He's playing mind games with you.

Definitely. he's putting the ball in your court all the way along the line, absolving any responsibility for himself. It doesn't give me the impression that he's in the list bit sorry for what he's done, he's only sorry that he got found out because he'll have to toe the line for a bit. Never mind though, he knows if he does the bare minimum he'll be forgiven :mad:

He shouldn't be doing the bare minimum to keep you happy (not that he is making you happy). If he cared the way you wanted him to care, he would put your happiness before his and be grovelling for forgiveness and your hand in marriage.

Tiger_greeneyes

Caroline_a wrote: »

Please dont take this as a criticism, but is it the marriage you want, or the wedding? I've been married twice, and tbh, marriage aint all that! The weddings were fun though

I think it's more the childhood girl's dream and the security. She's being robbed of both, imho, and that's unforgiveable of him.

The only good thing he's doing is refusing to get married - the reason I say that is because if he went through it just to keep Gwen happy, his infidelity would be even worse because he's not taking any of his commitments seriously, but she'd stand by him because she wanted to make the marriage work but she would be treated as a doormat until the divorce.

Divorce can really scar children - my parents divorced 30 years ago and it's still very fresh in my thoughts and very painful. Years of wrangling and fighting over this and that. At least parting can be made easier for kids and even be shown to them as a positive thing - even if it is painful.

I don't envy Gwen but there are two choices - dump him and have a few months of pain while her family and friends look out for her - or 85% misery for many years without ever achieving her dream of marrying her prince - made worse because she'll probably feel compelled to carry on as if nothing is wrong so she won't hurt her family and friends feelings.

Who knows, if she does dump him, he might wake up and realise that he's completely screwed up and will fight to the death to get her back. If he doesn't then she has her answers.

My ex husband didn't fight for me so he wasn't such a great loss after all. I'm now married to my absolute soulmate - he wanted to marry me as much as I wanted to marry him and even though we have the odd argument (maybe once or twice a year) we know we will have each other to grow old with - and that's a lovely feeling. Don't settle for less, Gwen

gorgeous_gwen

Well, the last couple of times I've talked to him about related things, he's talked, then done his, "let's talk about something else." I understand this, because in counselling we spoke about how it's easy to spend ages talking about it and let "it" take over, so to ration time, but it almost comes across like if we don't talk about it, he can pretend it hasn't happened.

I feel that his efforts in mending things are directly proportional to how much he cares. Thus when he's going along exactly like before, not acknowledging any of the things I've asked him to do, I equate that to him not caring about the hurt he's caused me. I know he does care, but genuinely to him, what happened was a bit of a flirt, lots of ego stroking and general "look how great this fit bird thinks I am" going on. I don't think he had any intention of taking it any further, but the way he acted has showed me a side of him I never knew existed and I have to decide if I can live with the chances that side may emerge again: ie the lying.

We were talking yesterday about me getting back to work, the training I'd have to do. He asked what my name would be when I was working, I replied, "well, Miss ******** wouldn't it?"

He said, would I change my name at work when I got married? I looked at him in confusion and said, "umm..." He said, "Mrs. [his surname]" (ahem!) I didn't say anything but was left REALLY confused... What is this? He wants to get married? Is he assuming everything will work out fine like we originally planned? It reads to me like he thinks this will ride out ok, it's obviously a bigger deal to me than it is to him.

Plans_all_plans

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

He said, would I change my name at work when I got married?

You should've said "set a date and you'll find out afterwards, won't you?"