Inappropriate relationship and wedding repercussions

Errata

How is him acting like that showing me he wants to get married?

No idea - but it is pacifying you and maintaining the status quo, isn't it.

Dontknowanymore

I think you might aswell walk away, why are you so desperate to get married.
He obviously does not want to and issuing an ultimatum will do nothing but cause more problems.
Why would you want to emotionally blackmail someone into marrying you?

January20

I think Gwen that your story should be a lesson to people for who marriage is really important, ie insist on getting married before moving in together and having children. Not a criticism, I promise!

shellsuit

Gwen, it's HIM that's done wrong, not you, so why is he laying the blame with you for not getting married? He is, because he's saying no marriage because you don't trust him, which means if you did trust him, he'd marry you.

Either that or he is full of !!!!!! and has no intention ever of marrying you.

He has done wrong, he should be doing whatever he can to make the relationship work again and should be doing everything to make you happy.

But he's not, so what does that tell you?

I don't think he'll marry you, or even if he does, that doesn't mean he won't deceive you again, sadly.

gorgeous_gwen

shellsuit wrote: »

Gwen, it's HIM that's done wrong, not you, so why is he laying the blame with you for not getting married? He is, because he's saying no marriage because you don't trust him, which means if you did trust him, he'd marry you.

I know, it's crazy isn't it? All I can say about that is that we did have a date set later in the year, he had broached the subject with relatives about his plans and getting them to help out with looking after the kids. I guess it's this that made me think he was serious, I found this out in counselling the other week, I hadn't known about it previously.

Either that or he is full of !!!!!! and has no intention ever of marrying you.

He has done wrong, he should be doing whatever he can to make the relationship work again and should be doing everything to make you happy.

But he's not, so what does that tell you?

I don't think he'll marry you, or even if he does, that doesn't mean he won't deceive you again, sadly.

I think on somelevel (rightly or wrongly) I thought that if he was truly remorseful, and realied he'd made a terrible error, and couldn't live without me, he'd be the one wanting to get married to cement things. Instead, he made a terrible error, says he's remorseful, but because things are bad he won't consider getting married.

Sabotage anyone?

RadoJo

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

. It's not like we've only been together six months and have just brought up the idea. We've been living together and now have two children of our own. Like was said above, if he wants to live like husband and wife, then I want us to BE husband and wife. But I'm not a puppy dog who'll sit and be happy at being thrown a bone now and again. If he's not a man of conviction, then I'm not sticking around. I can't torture myself like this forever.

Personally, I would never subject children to a family break up just because I wanted to be married. Are you really suggesting that having children together isn't 'living as husband and wife' and that you can undo that just by leaving him? You thought he was enough of a man of conviction to have two children with him, but now you're prepared to deprive them of a chance to live with both parents because you want to get married. Your posts are all about what you want and how you feel - what about your children?

Steel_2

Ok...here's a question for you.

What would it take for you to feel secure and happy in your relationship if marriage was not an option?

What would have to happen?

gorgeous_gwen

RadoJo wrote: »

Personally, I would never subject children to a family break up just because I wanted to be married. Are you really suggesting that having children together isn't 'living as husband and wife' and that you can undo that just by leaving him? You thought he was enough of a man of conviction to have two children with him, but now you're prepared to deprive them of a chance to live with both parents because you want to get married. Your posts are all about what you want and how you feel - what about your children?

No, having children together IS living as husband and wife. THat's the point.

And I wouldn't be depriving them of a chance to live with both parents SOLELY because I want to get married if that's what you mean? There are events that led up to this point. He wasn't having a secret emotional relationship with someone when I had two children with him.

Steel wrote: »

Ok...here's a question for you.

What would it take for you to feel secure and happy in your relationship if marriage was not an option?

What would have to happen?

If you mean he turned round and said, "look, I have to be honest, I have decided I don't want to ever get married, but I am completely happy with living together with you and the kids for ever and ever?"

I would leave because I was missold. I stayed this long believing he wanted to because he said he did. He's either been very confused then or stringing me along knowing what I wanted.

RadoJo

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

No, having children together IS living as husband and wife. THat's the point.

And I wouldn't be depriving them of a chance to live with both parents SOLELY because I want to get married if that's what you mean? There are events that led up to this point. He wasn't having a secret emotional relationship with someone when I had two children with him.

If you mean he turned round and said, "look, I have to be honest, I have decided I don't want to ever get married, but I am completely happy with living together with you and the kids for ever and ever?"

I would leave because I was missold. I stayed this long believing he wanted to because he said he did. He's either been very confused then or stringing me along knowing what I wanted.

I'm not sure I understand - you have said that you are prepared to forgive his indiscretion and work on your relationship, but getting married is the point that you have identified as making the difference which is why I phrased my post as I did. And you have said in the same post that you wouldn't be happy living together as a family for ever unless you were married which seems to contradict your response to my post.

gorgeous_gwen

Er, I'm lost!

Right...

Yes I would be prepared to forgive him for what he did. Given he continues to put in the work to mend things. What I want to know NOW is that should we continue this relationship with that happening and things ultimately getting back to "normal" where we both feel comfortable with the trust issue, that then marriage would be on the cards, as has been discussed, and arranged.

If it pans out that he is stalling because he doesn't actually WANT to get married, then that is a dealbreaker. I don't want to pursue this relationship if ultimately it will not end up in marriage.

Does that make sense, I wasn't sure where the confusion lay.