Inappropriate relationship and wedding repercussions

peachyprice

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

Anyone? Need to bounce the idea off people to get a feel for it...

Are you 100% willing to go through with leaving him if it doesn't happen within your time frame?

gorgeous_gwen

peachyprice wrote: »

Are you 100% willing to go through with leaving him if it doesn't happen within your time frame?

Yes. When we argued last week I said he wasn't being fair, we'd been talking about this for x years, "X years I've been waiting!" (shout emotionally for effect LOL:o)

Now... Much as I am prepared to forgive, move forward etc under the right circumstances, I do want to ultimately get married. HOWEVER, he has been umm-ing and ahhh-ing for long enough now and I don't want to be chasing something elusive. It's not like we've only been together six months and have just brought up the idea. We've been living together and now have two children of our own. Like was said above, if he wants to live like husband and wife, then I want us to BE husband and wife. But I'm not a puppy dog who'll sit and be happy at being thrown a bone now and again. If he's not a man of conviction, then I'm not sticking around. I can't torture myself like this forever.

DUTR

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

Yes. When we argued last week I said he wasn't being fair, we'd been talking about this for x years, "X years I've been waiting!" (shout emotionally for effect LOL:o)

Now... Much as I am prepared to forgive, move forward etc under the right circumstances, I do want to ultimately get married. HOWEVER, he has been umm-ing and ahhh-ing for long enough now and I don't want to be chasing something elusive. It's not like we've only been together six months and have just brought up the idea. We've been living together and now have two children of our own. Like was said above, if he wants to live like husband and wife, then I want us to BE husband and wife. But I'm not a puppy dog who'll sit and be happy at being thrown a bone now and again. If he's not a man of conviction, then I'm not sticking around. I can't torture myself like this forever.

You best wake up and smell the coffee then, he don't want you simple as, many of the posts have suggested that, you won't leave him cos you are too scared to be on your own, starting all over again is very daunting, plus whoever comes along next will have their baggage just as you will to them. And if you do leave him, he has his text friend's shoulder to lean on.
Sorry

gorgeous_gwen

I'm not scared to be on my own. I've been there, done it and got the t-shirt.

According to you I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't... It's not looking good out there whatever I do!

DUTR

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

I'm not scared to be on my own. I've been there, done it and got the t-shirt.

According to you I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't... It's not looking good out there whatever I do!

Sadly it's not looking good ultimately, I don't think anybody would like to be in a similar situation from both sides

Tiger_greeneyes

Aw Gwen, how horrible for you to be in this situation. I know it is probably a confusing time and hard to get your head around how to proceed with it but if it were your daughter, your sister, your friend or even a colleague in your situation, I think you'd know exactly what you'd be saying to them right now.

I walked away from my first wedding a week before my big day. When I was ringing around our guests and explaining to them, I was amazed at how many of them told me how brave I'd been and that they wished they'd done the same thing. I honestly think I'd have been braver if I'd gone through with the wedding and been miserable for a few years - or at least until a very messy divorce was well out of the way. Marrying the wrong person is the end of the fairytale, not the beginning.

I think it's time you went back to basics, see things objectively. Become indignant and realise that he's not quite the knight in shining armour. Leave him to his sordid behaviour and find someone who treats you like you treat them.

I would be highly offended if I caught my husband at it and he tried to justify his behaviour with these other women (who knows how many he might have been emailing or sexting), by saying he's not actually cheated because he's not met or touched them. The fact is, the thought WAS there - and if he had met up with them, I don't suppose for a second he'd have turned them down because he's a selfish, arrogant piece of work and one of life's chancers.

Don't waste another second on allowing yourself to be treated like this - in a couple of months time you'll look back and realise you've had an extremely lucky escape. And think of the fun he'll have with all that extra time he can use online to find more women to get pervy with

I wish you oodles of strength and the best of luck - don't miss out on meeting your true soulmate while you're busy wasting time expecting this loser to miraculously change xxx

Tiger_greeneyes

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

I'm not scared to be on my own. I've been there, done it and got the t-shirt.

According to you I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't... It's not looking good out there whatever I do!

I would rather be on my own and fill my life with things I enjoy rather than wondering where he is, who he's texting, how many other women there are, what he's saying to them, if he's meeting them etc.

Bluntly speaking, he's not going to make you happy. Life's too short to have someone make it a misery for you

Tiger_greeneyes

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

Anyone? Need to bounce the idea off people to get a feel for it...

I personally think that would be a great idea for you, get it off your chest, regain a bit of control - but for him it will have the opposite effect. He clearly doesn't respect you because he's cheated on you emotionally, and if he wanted to marry you then you'd be wearing his ring. He already knows it's what you want and if he wanted it too, there wouldn't be an issue. All he will do is get the hump and tell you you're pushing him away etc because you're threatening to unsettle his happy settled little existence where he has his cake and eats it. Cue more head games and his poor behaviour being all your fault. Catch 22.

After learning my lesson the hard way, it dawned on me that when men are treating you badly, it's because they want out of the relationship but they're too spineless to do it themselves. We put up with it because we have feelings for them, spent years with them, live with them, have built a whole life together - and we torture ourselves day in, day out, year in year out - until we cotton on that it's only you who gives a toss and has been for a long time. Those reasons are really not what a relationship should be based upon and sellotaped together for.

Loving someone and being loved back should be easy, NOT make you unhappy. If it isn't, it's not love, it's habit.

It's late and I'm waffling on. You need to step back a bit and see things for what they are, you're making excuses for him, even if you don't think you are. Sorry if I sound harsh, I've been there and got the teeshirt and wasted too much time with people like him. Now I'm with my soulmate, everything that happened to me makes so much sense. He's not the one.

I'm not the only person with this view, there are pages full of many different people saying the exact same thing.

Take everyone's advice on board and do what makes you happy, it's all any of us can ever do xx

Errata

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

I think that's a GREAT idea. He on the other hand will more than likely huff and sigh at "yet another" relationship talk that he doesn't want to "spoil the evening". Hmm.

aw....poor little boy!
Is he not prepared to do something about the cracks in the relationship for the sake of his kids? Is he making you become someone you don't want to be? Are you absolutely sure none of your behaviour is giving him carte blanche to behave badly towards you?
Why not suggest Relate to him, it might put some new oil in the engine or help you both drive the wreck to the scrapyard.
.......... and have a read of this http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/

gorgeous_gwen

Good point.

I'm not afraid to say that maybe this timeframe is me gaining the courage to make a big decision. If so, then so be it. I'm like that with decisions, I take a while, cogitate and turn over the different options, look at then inside and out. This is why I'm so sure that having this time is going to be good for me. After what happened with him, it took a couple of months before I could even think straight.

I feel his regret is genuine. I can see he feels pain for the effect it had on me. He has done a lot from the heart to help me to feel better. He's come to counselling.

But then I think, we're not even married. How is him acting like that showing me he wants to get married? The trouble is, what happened, for him has a different meaning to what it means to me. This has been a huge part of the difficulty. It's not as clear-cut as him having an affair. It's been difficult to work through.