Inappropriate relationship and wedding repercussions

Fire_Fox

From both threads it sounds like your partner has been dictating the terms of the relationship for a long time whilst you look after two young and one grown up child. Forgiveness is not the same as being a doormat and healthy relationships are not about power or control. I would suggest you forget getting married for the time being and spend some time getting your own life in order - get that part time job, some professional clothes and hairstyle, a social life and a gym membership (exercise boosts mood, libido, self confidence, meet new people, plus most brides want to tone up or lose weight). You may find getting married to him no longer seems like a big deal ,or you may find it becomes more important to him once he cannot take your presence for granted.

gorgeous_gwen

Have carefully read all replies, thanks.

I just wanted to say, although I don't consider that he cheated or that he is the biggest love rat of 2011:D, he was on the verge of an emotional affair. I haven't included all the details but it wasn't as simple as a few flirty texts, there was more to it. Enough to be very upset by, but not enough to say he cheated as such.

He did a lot of damage by the way he acted. He was definitely in the fog, and I know now he looks back and is embarrassed by the things he did and said. It had big repercussions, thus why we attend counselling now.

We do have two children together, and frankly I could not walk away as a reflex emotion without examining the how and why and if things were salvagable. I see things as a work-in-progress I suppose. I wanted to know if ultimately he saw our relationship culminating in marriage, because otherwise I was out. I believe his sincerity when he says yes, but what I have trouble with is he has always had control of the marriage issue. The poster who said he was happy with the situation as is was very close to how things are; he likes the idea of marriage. He knows I want us to get married, I felt after looking through things at counselling that if we still wanted to be together then marriage was still on the cards.

Whilst I appreciate things are not back to complete trust, and what he says DOES make a lot of sense, again, I feel like I have been punished and dictated to for something that isn't my fault, that I never asked for and never wanted. It's like he's saying, "I acted like this and caused you to not trust me, so we can't get married when we said because of YOU, because you don't trust me." I feel so frustrated, like he's turned it round and made the fact that wedding plans are on hold because of ME. I don't trust him so it's MY fault.

My instinct when I think about it is to want to lash out and tell him to get knotted, to get lost. I just don't think that is productive: I want to make decisions out of rational and calm logic. I have given me a timeframe and will review things then; I foresee either we will have made a lot of progress and getting there, be back to a working trusting relationship, or I will know I won't be able to do it. That is the most I have come up with but i feel reasonably happy with that.

LEJC

Gwen...I wish you lots of luck...and hope you get the happiness you deserve...

gorgeous_gwen

Thanks. I figure that at least if things don't work out then I'll know I tried my very best:) I can't just write it off without seeing if we can mend what's wrong.

ska_lover

Good luck Gwen. I really do hope you get what you want.

Don't waste some of the best years of your life on something that won't happen though. I wasted five years on a looser once. If only I knew then what I know now

Errata

I know that what he did was not "because" of me or done to hurt me (though yes it did) and was a selfish action on his part. Knowing this makes it easier to feel forgiveness, although I haven't forgiven him yet,

He did it because of you. Because he couldn't find whatever it was he was looking for in his relationship with you, the mother of his children. He did it in the full knowledge that if you found out you would be hurt. Then, just to make you feel better, he made you feel you were going crazy.
How badly does he have to treat you before you tell him what's what?

mrcow

Gwen - you sound very desperate to marry someone who doesn't want to marry you at all.

Seriously - you should try stepping out of your head for a moment and reading back through your posts.

WinterGhosts

Nic2011 wrote: »

I totally agree!! My now thank god ex did this made me think I was mad etc etc etc, it turned out that my intuition was right and he WAS having an inapproriate relationship!!

This also happened to me. I thought I really was going mad and he enforced this fact, making me believe I was stupid until I stumbled upon the truth that he was a cheat and a liar. He was also physically abusive once he learnt that he could emotionally control me. However, it was when I found out about him cheating every day with someone else that I finally got the courage to leave. It was hard after living with him and being with him so long and I was so emotionally drained because he was the only person I had contact with but I am so glad I got out when i did, thing could have been a whole lot worse - marriage, children etc.

Please op don't let him twist you emotionally into believing anything. this could have been a one off but why did he then continue and lie to you about it? It doesn't sound like he was sorry at all.

(I haven't read all of the posts so I appologise if I haven't read anything pertinent to what I've just said).

good luck to you though and I hope that you make the right decision for yourself and your life

FBaby

I totally get your frustration. My partner hasn't cheated or anything but he has made promises, hasn't kept them, for good reasons he claims (I don't agree!), but what really gets me is that he is showing no interest in trying to make it up and that leaves me totally confused. I know with complete certainty that he does love me, it's just that he loves me in a very selfish way. In many ways, I wish he didn't because then it would be easier to walk away. Now, i am stuck between two rocks, either stick with him because we do love each other and in many ways are very good together, and be patient trying to get him to understand that if he loves so much, he should aspire to do the things that make me happy, or walk away and be miserable. My intention is of course to stay and hope to move fowards, although I now know that it will take time but I get so frustrated at times, which inevitably ends up in horrible raws, that during these time of stress, I tell myself that I won't be able to keep on like this forever. Yet, it is the rows that do make him think and bring small changes.

Personally, if indeed your situation is somehow similar to mine, I would say that marriage should be the last thing on your mind. I too would love, ultimately to be one day married to my man. I am not that bothered about a wedding and the idea of marriage doesn't do much to me, but I do like the idea that we reach that level of total commitment, because that's the thing, if we do get married one day, it will be because we will somehow have managed to work through our difficulties and allowed love to prevail. Marriage would be the ultimate outcome. Maybe that's what your partner feels to, that you have to get to that stage and then marriage would be the reward?

I know what you mean about feeling that we are being controlled by our partners, I feel just the same, but control is a psychological state of being. Like me, you are probably way to accommodating, it is probably in your nature. I am learning to be less so, to say things as they are and to stand for myself. It does cause some rows, but I also feel that it makes him not only respect me more but realise all I do for our relationship. It is a learning process, and I have no idea where it will take us, but I am very stubborn and I do love him, so does he, so will probably still argue to the end of the day in our 80s, but somehow still adore each other!

January20

mrcow wrote: »

Gwen - you sound very desperate to marry someone who doesn't want to marry you at all.

Seriously - you should try stepping out of your head for a moment and reading back through your posts.

Exactly! Marriage doesn't mean anything to him. He only agreed to it because you wanted to. He doesn't really want to do it. What do you think marriage will bring you? you as a person? you as a couple? Finally you as a family? Are you craving security? is it for appearances? Pressure from family? Do you think it shows his commitment to you? Forsaking all others and all that? Won't stop him cheating if he wants to!