Inappropriate relationship and wedding repercussions

babymoo

Wow OP your situation really struck a chord with me. Ive been with my fella for just over 2 years and up until March this year I thought everything was rosy and wonderful and then he started getting close to my best friend which because we had all been friends for so long didn't bother me but they were a lot more flirty, spending a lot more time together etc.

Eventually I questioned them both about it in turn and they both denied anythign was going on and she told me that I was paranoid and that she would never do that to me etc but that my bloke didnt want to be with me anymore and she had been trying to get him to tell me so that I was less hurt. I asked him about this and he denied it all so I asked him to cease all contact with her unless we were all out in a group at the weekend, there was no need for him to be talking to her. She was using him as an emotional crutch as she had just walked out on her husband because he was allegedly abusive.

To cut a VERY long story short It took me about 2 months and I gave him an ultimatum, her or me and he immediately went on the defensive so I told him to get stuffed and walked away from him. 8 days later he got in touch with me begging to see me because he wanted to apologise and explain everything so I met up with him and he told me I was right etc and begged me to give him another chance, he says he has realised what he was willing to let go of when he doesnt even want anything more than frienship with the woman in question so I told him that if he was being totally honest with me now then he would change his number, not give her his new one and he had no more reason to be in contact with her again.

I am still a little wary but the trust is slowly coming back and he is a lot more attentive and loving and caring and as you put it we are now addressing the issues that were in our relationship that we didn't realise were there for this to happen.

I can only advise what I should have done and that is to walk away 2 months before I did and save myself a lot of heartache and truly believing I was going around the twist. Cut off all contact and wait till he contacts you, if he is the one for you he will come back with his tail between his legs, and if he doesnt then you have to lick your wounds and move on with your life.

Don't sit around waiting for him to realise tho, get on with your life as best you can given the situation, I know its hard, show him that while you love him and want him you do NOT need him.

Good luck hun xx

sarahs999

Sorry, but this guy cheats, manipulates you and makes you feel like you're 'going mad'. Why do you think marrying him is the best way forward? I feel for you as I once was engaged to a similar guy. Nothing will get better by marrying him, believe me. Go out andf find yourself someone kind, grown up and without baggage. THey are out there.

clearingout

Oh hun, get your running shoes out and proceed to move as fast as you can in the opposite direction. He's done it once, said he wouldn't but continued to do so and now has you thinking it's all your fault. This is not the basis of a marriage.

My ex husband left me having had an affair for a number of years. He tried to come back - more than once - but every time he tried I batted him back by saying only if we go to counselling...he'd play around for a few weeks, call me a lot, text me, and then be seen out with the other woman by one friend or another. He was never serious. Just wanted to know that he could if he wanted. Well, he couldn't. So now she's stuck with him. That'll teach her!

Life's too short. Move on. I know it's hard but it's even harder with a ring on your finger, children, a mortgage, joint debts and a divorce to pay for.

liney

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

A bit of an awkward situation I need advice on...

Me and my partner have been together for a few years now. Things were going fairly swimmingly over the last year (or so I thought!), and we decided to set a date later this year to get married, a small ceremony just how we wanted, all quite informal. I was over the moon.

Anyway, earlier on this year, he had a short-lived "inappropriate relationship" with someone. It wasn't physical but he fancied her, she gave him the come-on, he turned her down but they started an internet/phone relationship of sorts. He told me about the come-on and that they'd exchanged numbers and had been texting, I put my foot down and demanded he ceased contact, which he did.

Or so I thought. For the next few weeks she continued to text and call him, and he succumbed and started texting her again. I was livid, things got really bad, but we decided to stay together, address the issues that got us to this point, and mend things.

And since then we have been working at the relationship. There are trust issues (during the course of their contact, he lied, made me believe I was going mad for not trusting him when in fact he had gone behind my back with getting back in touch with her) and we are working together, but it is hard.

We got talking about getting married. He turned round and said I was ridiculous for even thinking about it given the situation, and he would think about it further down the line when I "trusted him again."

I was livid (again!) Although I understand it to a degree, what I was angling for is that ultimately this is what he wants out of the relationship. Not to get married tomorrow and of course to work through things. But what really riles me about this is it took us a lot to get to the point of deciding to get married, and having waited (and waited, and waited!), I now feel like I am being punished for something I didn't ask for, that wasn't my fault and that I have done my very resounding best to work through so far. Oh, and also that somehow HE is dictating terms which doesn't seem fair given what he did!

So how can I mend my hurt feelings? How can I regain control because basically now he is dictating the terms of the relationship, and I know I handled it ALL WRONG.

Help!

You were supposed to get married tomorrow? Have the party in the name of the lucky escape you have just had!

LEJC

If this is his behaviour before you are married...it wont improve if you ever marry
Looks like hes wanting to move on...maybe you should too...

podperson

Have you perhaps looked into trying somewhere like Relate? It sounds like you're still very hurt (and completely understandably!) which can sometimes make it hard to say things and work on things without getting over-emotional and struggling to get your point across - if that makes sense? It also sounds to me like he may be quite insecure and have some commitment issues - I find it a bit of a concidence that he had this relationship as the wedding date was looming - like he felt like he was going to be 'missing out' by making that kind of commitment so needed a bit of an ego boost from another woman. This can be worked on but he does need to be willing to do so.

gorgeous_gwen

Thanks everyone, so many replies...

*ducks and runs for cover* I believe in forgiveness. I'm not a sucker or prone to wanting to be walked all over (despite what it may look like!) but I believe everyone is human and has the ability to make mistakes. I do and have done. I know that what he did was not "because" of me or done to hurt me (though yes it did) and was a selfish action on his part. Knowing this makes it easier to feel forgiveness, although I haven't forgiven him yet, it's the lies that I am trying to work through.

He has been very good at looking at himself and admitting his weaknesses, where he can improve, we have been doing this in counselling. He has done and continues to do everything I ask of him to show he is being honest and trustworthy. He has never done anything like that before and it's a complicated thing, what happened. Although he wasn't unfaithful as such, he did cross lines and boundaries and was inappropriate, basically it was a huge ego boost for him, the attention of another pretty woman, and it got out of hand.

I am as sure as I can be that they are no longer in contact, so that is not an issue to me.

What I am asking is thoughts on how to proceed with continuing the relationship but to redress the balance. What can I do/say to not look like some nut who will get married regardless?!

LEJC

How do you redress the balance....Thats a question you have to ask him...
Hes still holding you to ransom...he says no wedding until you trust him...you're working on it...but hes still not committed
You redress the balance and he will find another reason not to marry you...and so the cycle continues...

donteatthat

Hmmmm. After several years together you decide to get married and he sabotages it by behaving inappropriately with another woman.
When you find out he promises to stop, but doesn't.
When you ask about the wedding plans, he has put it on hold and makes you responsible for not trusting him. He sounds classic passive-aggressive
Been there, done that, had several more years with the guy after I found the inappropriate texts and emails all to no avail. They do not change....no matter how much you forgive them / make excuses for them.
They have a habit of making you feel like you are the one in the wrong, or going round the twist when you challenge their behaviour. If you stay with him, you will eventually properly go nuts, so the best thing is to walk away whilst you have your sanity.

shell_girl

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

What I am asking is thoughts on how to proceed with continuing the relationship but to redress the balance. What can I do/say to not look like some nut who will get married regardless?!

I don't think you can redress the balance on this one to be honest. It sounds like you're determined to carry on in the relationship - that's your business.

It sounds to me as if you were hoping that he would be begging you for forgiveness, and begging you to still marry him, and declaring that marriage (to you) is all he wants. He did none of those things.

He snatched the power by telling you that he would not deign to marry you until you trust him again. The issues in the relationship become your issues and your problem, and he holds all the power because you're still waiting (as you said in an earlier post) for him to finally marry you.

If I wasn't a bit sad for you about what's being done to your self respect then I would be awed at his skill in manipulating the situation so beautifully. Think of this as a test- he's testing you to see how far he can go, and how much you'll put up with, without complaint. Your reward will be a lifetime of putting up and shutting up when he finally 'agrees' to marry you.