Inappropriate relationship and wedding repercussions

gorgeous_gwen

A bit of an awkward situation I need advice on...

Me and my partner have been together for a few years now. Things were going fairly swimmingly over the last year (or so I thought!), and we decided to set a date later this year to get married, a small ceremony just how we wanted, all quite informal. I was over the moon.

Anyway, earlier on this year, he had a short-lived "inappropriate relationship" with someone. It wasn't physical but he fancied her, she gave him the come-on, he turned her down but they started an internet/phone relationship of sorts. He told me about the come-on and that they'd exchanged numbers and had been texting, I put my foot down and demanded he ceased contact, which he did.

Or so I thought. For the next few weeks she continued to text and call him, and he succumbed and started texting her again. I was livid, things got really bad, but we decided to stay together, address the issues that got us to this point, and mend things.

And since then we have been working at the relationship. There are trust issues (during the course of their contact, he lied, made me believe I was going mad for not trusting him when in fact he had gone behind my back with getting back in touch with her) and we are working together, but it is hard.

We got talking about getting married. He turned round and said I was ridiculous for even thinking about it given the situation, and he would think about it further down the line when I "trusted him again."

I was livid (again!) Although I understand it to a degree, what I was angling for is that ultimately this is what he wants out of the relationship. Not to get married tomorrow and of course to work through things. But what really riles me about this is it took us a lot to get to the point of deciding to get married, and having waited (and waited, and waited!), I now feel like I am being punished for something I didn't ask for, that wasn't my fault and that I have done my very resounding best to work through so far. Oh, and also that somehow HE is dictating terms which doesn't seem fair given what he did!

So how can I mend my hurt feelings? How can I regain control because basically now he is dictating the terms of the relationship, and I know I handled it ALL WRONG.

Help!

katym79

sorry to be blunt, but I don't think he wants to marry you - and why you would want to mary him is beyond me.

flutterby_lil

I'd mend your hurt feelings by leaving the cheeky !!!!!!!!

Easier said than done I know but I'd struggle to trust again, given that he hurt you once, twice and now is making out that it is your fault that the wedding is not immediate for not trusting him.....

4nnabella

katym79 wrote: »

sorry to be blunt, but I don't think he wants to marry you - and why you would want to mary him is beyond me.

Have to say, I agree with katym79... Sorry!

Molly41

I think he has commitment issues and does not want to get married either. Perhaps a clean break might make him come to his senses and if he doesnt then you are better out of it.

shellsuit

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

A bit of an awkward situation I need advice on...

Me and my partner have been together for a few years now. Things were going fairly swimmingly over the last year (or so I thought!), and we decided to set a date later this year to get married, a small ceremony just how we wanted, all quite informal. I was over the moon.

Anyway, earlier on this year, he had a short-lived "inappropriate relationship" with someone. It wasn't physical but he fancied her, she gave him the come-on, he turned her down but they started an internet/phone relationship of sorts. He told me about the come-on and that they'd exchanged numbers and had been texting, I put my foot down and demanded he ceased contact, which he did.

Or so I thought. For the next few weeks she continued to text and call him, and he succumbed and started texting her again. I was livid, things got really bad, but we decided to stay together, address the issues that got us to this point, and mend things.

And since then we have been working at the relationship. There are trust issues (during the course of their contact, he lied, made me believe I was going mad for not trusting him when in fact he had gone behind my back with getting back in touch with her) and we are working together, but it is hard.

We got talking about getting married. He turned round and said I was ridiculous for even thinking about it given the situation, and he would think about it further down the line when I "trusted him again."

I was livid (again!) Although I understand it to a degree, what I was angling for is that ultimately this is what he wants out of the relationship. Not to get married tomorrow and of course to work through things. But what really riles me about this is it took us a lot to get to the point of deciding to get married, and having waited (and waited, and waited!), I now feel like I am being punished for something I didn't ask for, that wasn't my fault and that I have done my very resounding best to work through so far. Oh, and also that somehow HE is dictating terms which doesn't seem fair given what he did!

So how can I mend my hurt feelings? How can I regain control because basically now he is dictating the terms of the relationship, and I know I handled it ALL WRONG.

Help!

Ahh, so after everything he has done, he's turned it around onto you, as if it's your fault!

Do you really want to marry this guy? Do you really think he loves you if he can deceive you like this, and if the answer is No, then to put it bluntly, he doesn't want to marry you either does he?

In an ideal world, he would have realised what he was going to lose, knocked the other woman in the head and concentrated on your relationship and your marriage.

But he's not.

I think you deserve so much better x

inspirespirit

You really would be best to finish this relationship. He obviously thinks you are willing to put up with his bad behaviour and then still want to marry him. In other words, he thinks you are weak. To regain any control you need to show him you are a strong, independant woman who will not tolerate being treated this way. Finish it. He will be really shocked. He will probably come crawling back tail between his legs, and if I were you, I would give him a kick between said legs. You deserve better; and keep telling yourself this, because it is true.

skylight

shellsuit wrote: »

Ahh, so after everything he has done, he's turned it around onto you, as if it's your fault!

And that sort of behaviour doesn't stop when you are married......

Owain_Moneysaver

And a ring on your/his finger is going to change his behaviour exactly how?

Sounds like "trust him again" is a euphemism for "letting him get away with it again".

IndySounds

Sorry Gwen but you gotta leave this guy and do your own thing, I have been in similar, the whole making you go mad thing, lies, deceit, etc etc. You need to walk and you need to do it now...

Its harsh, its horrible but remember you are not in the wrong at all, these things have been down to your partners decisions and movements definitely not you!

LEJC

Its up to you if you stay with him....but things wont change....he wont marry you until you trust him how far is that away?
Seems to me hes saying that he doesn't want to marry you and he is making you feel as if it is your fault...
So if you turned arond in a month and said you trusted him...the wedding would be on...no of course it wouldn't ...he would find another excuse...

Its possibly time to think that your man doesn't want marriage...he's found someone who he enjoys the company of ...and hes also got you at home.By knowing that you want to marry him hes in the position to do what he wants and thats possibly see the other woman too...

Its easy to say leave...but its something you possibly do need to consider as I doubt he will every want the marriage to happen