Inappropriate relationship and wedding repercussions

euronorris

Sorry to say this, but I don't think he wants to get married.....ever...to anyone.

I only say this because your perception of the relationship, pre wedding agreement, was that everything was good. Then you decide to get married, and he starts 'something' with another woman. That, to me, screams 'I'm f'ing terrified of getting married, but I'm too scared to tell her that. Ohhh, she's hot, and she's single, and I could have fun with her without any strings....blah blah blah'. You get the picture. The grass seemed greener.

And now, after being caught twice, he's saying he doesn't want to get married until you trust him again. Well, that sounds to me as though he either a) wants the relationship to end (and if marriage is important to you, he knows it will end at some point) or b) he's figured that as you are the forgiving type, he can do it again and again (using the no trust argument as reasoning for not getting married) and you'll always forgive him and he won't have to get married either!

Sorry, I know that's harsh, but that is just how I view it.

podperson

I might be totally wrong here but from how you described you mentioned marriage and he said, 'not while we're working things out' - which is fair enough, but you want him to simply admit that he does still want to marry you and wants to make that commitment in the future. Have you said that to him?

katym79

shell_girl wrote: »

I don't think you can redress the balance on this one to be honest. It sounds like you're determined to carry on in the relationship - that's your business.

It sounds to me as if you were hoping that he would be begging you for forgiveness, and begging you to still marry him, and declaring that marriage (to you) is all he wants. He did none of those things.

He snatched the power by telling you that he would not deign to marry you until you trust him again. The issues in the relationship become your issues and your problem, and he holds all the power because you're still waiting (as you said in an earlier post) for him to finally marry you.

If I wasn't a bit sad for you about what's being done to your self respect then I would be awed at his skill in manipulating the situation so beautifully. Think of this as a test- he's testing you to see how far he can go, and how much you'll put up with, without complaint. Your reward will be a lifetime of putting up and shutting up when he finally 'agrees' to marry you.

Agree with this. The bold bit - frankly, that is exactly what he should be doing. Him not doing that would say to me that he doesn't give a monkeys about you, or worse he wants you to be the one to end it- spineless !!!!.

IndySounds

Gwen just don't do it!

Sounds like a commitment freak, what happens when you want kids??

Gavin83

Ignoring his actions am I the only one who actually thinks he's being sensible delaying the marriage considering your relationship is falling apart?

Eton_Rifle

He's practically told you that he's waiting for someone better to come along. Perhaps he isnt even ready to admit this to himself yet but he certainly has enough doubts to call the wedding off.

The magic has faded in your relationship. I don't know whether you can get that back but counselling, soul-searching about misdeeds and 'working on the relationship' doesn't sound that romantic to me. This is all too serious and heavy and you're not even married yet.

You've got a good heart and you're kind and generous. You should be laughing and enjoying life right now, not all this stuff.
Don't set yourself up for a lifetime of disillusion and bitterness, it isn't in your nature and it will hit you hard.

pinkshoes

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

I put my foot down and demanded he ceased contact, which he did.

I think you were wrong to tell him to stop texting her. It's HIS choice, and he should stop texting her because it's what he wants to do i.e. he wants to make you happy, and not because you told him not to.

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

He has done and continues to do everything I ask of him to show he is being honest and trustworthy.

Again, it comes across as a parent/child relationship, where you seem to be trying to control him and tell him what to do.

Are you sure this is an equal relationship? Do you not think that perhaps you love and need him more than he loves and needs you?

If I were you, I'd pack your bags and go away for a week or two, perhaps stay with a friend or your parents. It will at least give him space to think what he wants, and hopefully miss you enough to realise that it is indeed you what he wants.

flutterby_lil

I once was with a man who got somebody pregnant after us only being together 2 months, I caught him having sex with somebody on the settee whilst I was in bed asleep and found out numerous times he had cheated - i stayed with him for 10 years, hoping and thinking that I would be the one to change him!! I didn't and deep down knew I never would. It was a challenege at first, but one that I am so grateful I gave up on. He is now in prison for drug dealing - glad I had a lucky escape a few years ago.

The point is that you won't change him. Give up now before it gets worse.

ska_lover

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

Thanks everyone, so many replies...

*ducks and runs for cover* I believe in forgiveness. I'm not a sucker or prone to wanting to be walked all over (despite what it may look like!) but I believe everyone is human and has the ability to make mistakes. I do and have done. I know that what he did was not "because" of me or done to hurt me (though yes it did) and was a selfish action on his part. Knowing this makes it easier to feel forgiveness, although I haven't forgiven him yet, it's the lies that I am trying to work through.

He has been very good at looking at himself and admitting his weaknesses, where he can improve, we have been doing this in counselling. He has done and continues to do everything I ask of him to show he is being honest and trustworthy. He has never done anything like that before and it's a complicated thing, what happened. Although he wasn't unfaithful as such, he did cross lines and boundaries and was inappropriate, basically it was a huge ego boost for him, the attention of another pretty woman, and it got out of hand.

I am as sure as I can be that they are no longer in contact, so that is not an issue to me.

What I am asking is thoughts on how to proceed with continuing the relationship but to redress the balance. What can I do/say to not look like some nut who will get married regardless?!

Hi Gwen,

Hope you don't mind me saying, but my first thoughts would be to get away from this guy - HOWEVER - it is not US who have been in a relationship with and clearly love this guy, so you are asking for ways to mend things

You won't redress the balance until you get some respect. Respect for yourself and respect for him.

You need to get him to take you seriously and take yourself seriously. If you let a man cheat on you then they loose respect for you, because you have not so much let it happen - but condoned it by staying with him if you see what I mean. You need to make sure you are not a doormat.

Do not revolve your entire world around this man - FORCE yourself to have outside interests reguarly - go out with friends without him etc. Get some new focus instead of this wedding thing.

Why is he the one putting the wedding on hold until YOU TRUST HIM? It should be YOU putting the wedding on hold while you work out if you can ever trust him again. Stop banging on about the wedding. YOu need to work things out in your own mind before making a lifetime of commitment to this guy. Sister dont be a fool. Stop begging a guy who don't want to marry you (at this point). Be harder to get - cos you are making it SO EASY for him to abuse you. You are saying, yeah you have crapped on me, but im happy to sign up for a lifetime of it - IMMEDIATELY. You can turn things around but your gona have to toughen up girl. Dont show him a weak spot cos he playin you

Let me tell you, you cannot stop a man from cheating - weather you follow him around and go completely paranoid mental about it, or chill out - so you need to get in to your head that whatever will be, will be - and theres nothing you can do about it - weather you have a ring on our finger or not. Get out there, with your friends and let him see you do it.

All this aside - you say you believe in forgiveness and all peple make mistakes like you have etc - does that mean you have cheated on him?
Forgive me if im wrong, but if that be the case - then you reap what you sow..

bluenoseam

If i were him (and i know this will be unpopular) but i'd walk away, you want to have more "control" and have already "put your foot down" and have him in counselling over some flirty text messages?!? Yikes! You sound like you want him to be subservient to you in all manners because he made a MINOR mistake (for which by the sounds of things many would want him hanged) but by your own admition he never cheated on you physically, you clearly don't trust him and i feel that you're never likely to do so. From his perspective you're going around treating him like love rat of the year 2011, fuming over him flirting with another woman & admitting that yeah, he fancied her - if he really was the ratbag your OP made him out to be he'd have hidden the fact & frankly would have been up to all sorts.

I think on the whole both of you need to walk away and look at what you both expect from a relationship, you want a man's 100% attention with no compromise, he by the sound of it prefers to live loving one woman without ever really giving up the fact he finds other women attractive and well, that's not a healthy mix.