Inappropriate relationship and wedding repercussions

Steel_2

If you want to be married and you see that as the highest form of commitment someone can give to you, that's fine. There's nothing wrong with that. The question is, does your OH and can you live with it if he doesn't?

My husband was very much the same as you, however I wasn't that bothered about marriage either way. I could take it or leave it. I knew I was going to stay with him, that I'd found 'the one', and whether we married or not I felt secure without the ring. He on the other hand felt insecure without that commitment from me, so we married and I've never regretted it.

My grandparents never married but stayed together their whole lives (over 50 years) and brought up six children, so from an early age I did not associate marriage with commitment. I had the opportunity to see a different side to things. I knew my grandmother had been married before she met my grandad, and that he was a drinker and a gambler that left her week in, week out with no money to feed or clothe five kids. Luckily the war intervened and he was killed in action, and it was his best friend - my grandad - that came round to make sure she and the kids were ok. He ended up moving in, they had one more child together and the rest is history..: rotfl:

My husband on the other hand came from a family where everyone was married at a young age and stayed together for life, so his experience of things was that marriage meant commitment. No-one in his family has ever lived together.

It's slightly different in your case, as your OH seems to have agreed to getting married as is now backing off but blaming you for his feelings about it (I do think that's wrong by the way. You have a reason to distrust him if he makes a promise to you and then gets caught out breaking it. He's being defensive because he's been caught and trying to deflect attention away from himself.)

I would agree with your decision to put a time limit on things and make sure you tell him, but also make him clear that you have to rebuild your trust in him a second time as he has broken his promise to you. But think carefully about whether this is what you want, if you want this kind of aggravation in a relationship. It won't go away once you get married.

I suspect though, that it will be you that has second thoughts after this. Some people's comments will stay with you and you'll look at things with different, fresh eyes - perhaps a little more critically than before. You may find that when the appointed time is up, you may not want to go forward.

warehouse

Hi OP,

I can only speak from experience here. Before I got married I had been with my girlfriend for 10 years. We lived together and ended up taking each other for granted, something bad happened between us, (much worse than what your boyfriend has just done), and we split up for a year. That break did us good, we got back together, got married and have been so now for 16 years. The marraige is strong.

Of my group of friends who got married at similar times to us, the ones who have the longest and strongest marraiges ALL split with their partners for a while before getting it back together again, it's a 100% statistic. The 2 couples who never split are now divorced.

The lesson is that this can work, but I'd seriously consider a "time out" of this relationship to make sure you really want it to continue.

gorgeous_gwen

I must confess yesterday, I almost asked him to move out to his mums. As in, if you don't want to be husband and wife, then let's not ACT like it. I was in a particularly emotional frame of mind and realised that although I felt like that at the time (and still do in principle), there's no point messing about.

We have discussed the history of marriage in each of our families in counselling, and it is patently clear given our family histories why we both feel like we do, my family has a history of long and committed marriages, his is the complete opposite. He kept saying in our last counselling, "but marriage doesn't change things." He said this wasn't what he thought *I* thought but I'm still unclear as to what that means.

I have discussed the timeframe with some close friends. My initial intention was to have it as a timeframe for myself, to not share it with him as it is for me, and I didn't want to put pressure onto him for a reactionary "let's get married then" that he was doing to keep me here rather than to actually get married because he wants to iyswim?

However the unanimous opinion from these friends is to tell him. Any opinions on this? What would I say, because I wouldn't want it to come out like emotional blackmail or anything like that. I have no intention of guilting him into anything. I have said previously that I won't wait around forever, and currently we are in this position of we will think about it again "when I trust him again."

The irony is, ok I don't trust him, but tbh as a sort of goodwill gesture and to show I *was* open to rebuilding trust rather than throwing it back at him all the time, I have chosen to give him trust in a lot of situations. There really isn't that many situations where I express a concern at all, in fact the only one that has come up recently is him going on nights out into town without me, either with the boys or with workmates, and I don't have SO much of an issue with this. It's hard to explain, but he is very aware of the circumstances around what happened and how he would react if in a similar situation again, and I do feel confident he is on board with it.

So, do I tell him about my timeframe?

Elle7

I wouldn't.

If you do, it will inevitably come out as some kind of threat - in essence, you are giving him a certain length of time to marry you or you are gone. While this might be a good idea for you personally, your target will just pressurize him.

You'll also never know if he proposed because he wanted too or because he knew your limit was approaching...

I'd have left him well before now though, so we could just be very different people. I think he sounds like he wants his own way and only his own way, and he'll make his own problems seem like they are problems with you to ensure he gets this.

gorgeous_gwen

That's exactly what I was worried about, it coming out as a threat. Which I don't want.

A good friend (male) said it was only fair to let him know what is at stake, as we have a lot invested in this relationship. A good take, and a reasonable point as well. So still not sure.

JoeyG

Why not wait for him to propose?... if he wants to get married he will propose, right?

gorgeous_gwen

JoeyG wrote: »

Why not wait for him to propose?... if he wants to get married he will propose, right?

It was more a "let's get married this year" between us rather than a proposal. The understanding is that we *will* get married, that is the agreement, we'd decided when, but after his shenanigans he has put it off to a nonspecific point in the future when I "trust him again." I am not entirely certain what governs that point, if it's me saying I trust him again, if it's him feeling trusted enough, what... I should ask him that actually.

gorgeous_gwen

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

So, do I tell him about my timeframe?

Anyone? Need to bounce the idea off people to get a feel for it...

Errata

You could tell him tomorrow you trust him implicitly now. He could tell you he doesn't feel you trust him until the cows come home.
I think you need to sit down together and calmly work out a road map of what happens from this point in your relationship and the timescales.
Negotiate, give and take, do it together. If there's any hesitancy on the part of either partner that's a 5 bell alarm.

gorgeous_gwen

Errata wrote: »

You could tell him tomorrow you trust him implicitly now. He could tell you he doesn't feel you trust him until the cows come home.
I think you need to sit down together and calmly work out a road map of what happens from this point in your relationship and the timescales.
Negotiate, give and take, do it together. If there's any hesitancy on the part of either partner that's a 5 bell alarm.

I think that's a GREAT idea. He on the other hand will more than likely huff and sigh at "yet another" relationship talk that he doesn't want to "spoil the evening". Hmm.