Inappropriate relationship and wedding repercussions

babymoo

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

Thanks everyone, so many replies...

*ducks and runs for cover* I believe in forgiveness. I'm not a sucker or prone to wanting to be walked all over (despite what it may look like!) but I believe everyone is human and has the ability to make mistakes. I do and have done. I know that what he did was not "because" of me or done to hurt me (though yes it did) and was a selfish action on his part. Knowing this makes it easier to feel forgiveness, although I haven't forgiven him yet, it's the lies that I am trying to work through.

He has been very good at looking at himself and admitting his weaknesses, where he can improve, we have been doing this in counselling. He has done and continues to do everything I ask of him to show he is being honest and trustworthy. He has never done anything like that before and it's a complicated thing, what happened. Although he wasn't unfaithful as such, he did cross lines and boundaries and was inappropriate, basically it was a huge ego boost for him, the attention of another pretty woman, and it got out of hand.

I am as sure as I can be that they are no longer in contact, so that is not an issue to me.

What I am asking is thoughts on how to proceed with continuing the relationship but to redress the balance. What can I do/say to not look like some nut who will get married regardless?!

It's very easy for everyone to judge if they haven't been in your situation. I have always believed that I could never forgive cheating or anything like cheating, if the man I am with gets close to another woman that's it no questions asked but actually my experience has made me grow up a little bit and realise that not everything is black and white.

If this is the first time he has done this then I would say yes fair play give him another chance but DO NOT be walked over. The first sign anything is out of place kick it and probably him into touch. I am the same as you I believe that everyone makes mistakes and its not the mistake that you make its the way you deal with that mistake and put it right that is the important thing.

Like you I hate the thought that a pretty woman turned my blokes head but I also know deep down that there was nothing in it, if there was he wouldnt have come back to me, if as she had said to me he wanted out of our relationship then he wouldn't have done so.

I strongly think you need to make sure that there is nothing more than can come out of this. Make him aware that while your willing to draw a line under all this and move on with your relationship that he has the chance to tell you of anything else now, because if something comes out in the future that he held back then that's his last chance blown.

I wouldn't suggest running into marrying him just right now, work on building up your relationship, your trust but you must wait for him to realise what he has done is wrong and if he hasn't realised this yet then walk away from him and make him realise that you are deadly serious and what he is going to lose. Just be aware in doing this you may not get the answers you want but you WILL get the answers that you need to get on with your life.

If anyone else judges you for giving things another go with him then stuff them. No one is perfect. My so called best friend told me that if I gave my bloke another chance that she wouldn't be there for me anymore and with friends like that who needs enemies. Whats most important is your happiness and getting you and your man back on track. Just PLEASE make sure that he realises what he has done and talks to you and apologises and explains off his own back, not from an argument and him trying to get an easy life.

I hope all this makes sense. Feel free to PM me if you wish x

shelley_crow

By all means marry him but get this straight in your head first...

Are you going to be one of those women that look the other way when they KNOW that their husband is cheating? You might even stay with him for the sake of the children. 60 odd married years of doing this must be pretty tough going. Would you take a lover when you feel that the love and affection is missing from your marriage? That gold band can be like a noose, it depends what you want from life really.

Knowing what you know at this stage is tough but is very good. You know what he's capable of. Don't for one minute think that he'll stop cheating because you are married, the ring can be in his pocket in a split second.

I don't personally understand cheating, if I didn't love my OH anymore then I'd tell him and we'd split. I have had attention from good looking blokes when we've been going through a rough patch but it doesn't make me want to jump into bed with them.

LEJC

Your OH should want to marry you because he loves you and wants to share his life with you unconditionally...

There seems lots of conditions you need to satisfy first...and clearly some urges he needs to satify too...

You are both not in the right mindset to marry....its not just you that needs to forgive ...he needs to put something into the relationship too...

Until you both see that its about eachother...then theres little point hoping for a wedding

scooby088

It all depends what you construe as cheating really i don't see speaking on the phone or texting another woman as cheating but some may, he told you about it and you asked him to stop which he did for a while then started again. He is on his second chance now and i do see his point that you need to trust him before committing to marriage, I don't think it is a get out clause as i for sure would never get married to anyone i don't trust. As for loads of advice on here everyone says leave him and sometimes it's that simple, but very rarely is as there is emotion involved. So all i can say if you and he really want to stay together small steps is all i can suggest.

January20

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/2440395

The opening post of this thread you started in May 2010 should really tell you a lot about what he wants, and I'm afraid that he doesn't really want some of the big commitments with you ie marriage and mortgage! I agree with the poster who said he agreed to the wedding then sabotaged it and now is using your lack of trust to not go through with it.

ailuro2

I'm sorry to say it, but it doesn't really sound like he's "THE ONE"

when you meet "the one" you'll have ups and downs, but you will also have mutual respect and no running off sexting with another woman just after you get talking into marrying another one...

jetta_wales

Do you think his reasons for going down that path were in any way valid or fixable?

An example would be maybe getting stuck in a rut over time and now not really having any sort of a sex life? Not a question you have to answer of course but one to consider maybe if it applies.

Or it could just be that he's a pr1ck but only you'll know that of course

Nic2011

katym79 wrote: »

sorry to be blunt, but I don't think he wants to marry you - and why you would want to mary him is beyond me.

I totally agree!! My now thank god ex did this made me think I was mad etc etc etc, it turned out that my intuition was right and he WAS having an inapproriate relationship!! I'm sorry but if he can do this now it will progress and no matter how much you think you love him he obviously doesn't love you 'enough' to see that he is in the wrong and is totally out of order and to make you feel like it's your fault is well quite frankly disgusting!!!

See him for what he is and move on - its so liberating I can honestly say I've never been happier!

mrbrightside842

He won't marry you until you can trust him again? He should be thanking his stars that you're willing to marry him after he's broken your trust, and should be working on getting it back.

FBaby

ummm, I feel like his response has been taken out of context. From reading your other post, he seems the type of guy who is happy with what he has, and not interested in rocking the boat when things are going fine. Marriage is not important for him, not because he doesn't love you or isn't commited but because it makes no difference to him. Sounds to me like he agreed to it mainly to make you happy, which is fair enough.

Then this happened and rocked the relationship. Again, it happens. You are now trying to rebuild you relationship and it isn't easy. If the above is correct, what he was trying to say to you was that there is no point in considering marriage if your relationship is not totally commited again. His statement about Trust might not have been intended at throwing the incident back at you, but at just saying what essentially is a very true statement 'why consider getting married when you are still in the process of rebuilding what you used to have....before even talking about marriage'.

In terms of readdressing the balance, there is only one way... he needs to realise that your happiness doesn't evolve solely around him, and that therefore you are with him because you love him -because he treats you right -, not because you need him.