How do I find out what he wants?

gorgeous_gwen

A bit of thoughtful advice needed...

Things have been sailing along quite well for me, my other half and our little family (DS and baby.) I've put quite a bit of work into straightening our finances, and we're at a point where we can get by, the bill are paid, food is on the table, and a bit left over at the end of the month.

I've been at home with the children for a while, I did work a while back but have been a SAHM. I want to go back to work, to earn money but also for me as I enjoyed working. I have been looking at going into teaching as a possibility although nothing is set in stone yet.

Things are good with the boyfriend/partner/other half:D As a result I've got to thinking about planning for the future. We have spoken about getting married, and I think you'd call it an understanding rather than either of us having proposed, that it will happen. Something else we both want to do is buy our own house, and this is something I want us to work towards.

I was chatting with him the other day, and hoping to get on board with some concrete plans for our future, asked him what his hopes and ambitions were. He replied he doesn't really think about much beyond tomorrow or the end of the week!

He went on to say he has things he wants to do, career plans (good, I'd love him to work on his job as I know it'd make him happy), places he wants to visit, all things that are achieveable in different ways.

When I asked him about marriage, he said he wants to but he doesn't really think about it, we're fine as we are for now and really it won't change anything directly in our lives. He said he refuses to scrimp and save and sacrifice things for a massive wedding because he doesn't see the point (I understood this as him meaning with the money we have now.) He said it's something for the future.

I then spoke about saving up for a deposit on a house. He said that although things are much better money-wise, he again doesn't see the point of scrimping with the relatively small amoutn fo disposable income we have. I pointed out my plans of returning to work and how that would help, he said again it's something to think about for the future.

I have had this suspicion despite us talking about getting married, that it's something he likes the idea of, but like many of the things he "likes the idea of", I have noticed there is usually an air of "we'll worry about that later", and now I am worrying I will end up being one of those women who for all intents and purposes are engaged to be married, but it won't actually ever happen:( And the house either, he seems to be waiting for a right time to start saving, but at this rate we'll end up renting forever.

I'm starting to feel that anything big in our lives will need to be instigated by me. Knowing him I can't see him going off and buying an engagement ring, I'd love it if he surprised me but to him it's another expense he can do without, even though he won't think of saving up a bit each month, which he could realistically do.

However, when it comes to holidays, he's the one getting all excited and wanting to sort it out as they're important to him, when we go, where, all that sort of thing, and whilst of course I enjoy it, I am starting to feel a bit resentful. What if he does just want to amble along and he won't change? I mean, how do I know he won't change- he could do, do I press him, do I drop hints about marriage, do I straight out give him the bottom line, what?

Same about the house saving, I don't want to waste years then realise he's never going to put the effort in and I'll have to start from scratch however many years down the line, kicking myself because I should have thought now??

skintchick

Ah. This is an age-old issue. My advice, which is too late now, is not to move in and have a baby with someone if you want them to marry you. Men tend not to want to marry once the woman is in situ, from what I can tell from friends.

I think you need to talk to him again and make it clear how important this is to you, and that he needs to set a date for the wedding and also discuss with you about buying a house.

But you have to decide what you do if he says he doesn;t want to do either - will you leave?

foxy-roxy

You need to be honest with him.
Tell him that having a house you own and having a marriage is your goal and dream in life and is he willing to grant them to you?
You also need to be prepared if he doesn't agree and have a strong argument to back up the pros.
Good Luck

poet123

This is less about what he wants, and more about what you might or might not have to settle for. If he is one of life's floaters with no all consuming aims, and you are not, then you need to decide if you can live with that approach to life. Or if he just doesn't want to get involved in the planning but is quite happy to let you get on and do it, (assuming that suits you too).

Wth regard to marriage, if that is paramount to you, then you need to telll him it is non negiotable and fix a date, even if that dat is 5 years hence. If he will not even do that then you need to decide whose aspirations and dreams are the most important.

gorgeous_gwen

skintchick wrote: »

Ah. This is an age-old issue. My advice, which is too late now, is not to move in and have a baby with someone if you want them to marry you. Men tend not to want to marry once the woman is in situ, from what I can tell from friends.

I think you need to talk to him again and make it clear how important this is to you, and that he needs to set a date for the wedding and also discuss with you about buying a house.

But you have to decide what you do if he says he doesn;t want to do either - will you leave?

I read this with a bit of sadness, and the realisation you are probably right!

The last thing you say... I would be willing to put money on the fact that he will say, when asked, that yes, he does want to do both these things. I think that could be the crux of it; he's halfway to it, he's expressed the interest, but I always have a very strong feeling that words are just that, it's a person's actions that show their true feelings.

poet123 wrote: »

This is less about what he wants, and more about what you might or might not have to settle for. If he is one of life's floaters with no all consuming aims, and you are not, then you need to decide if you can live with that approach to life. Or if he just doesn't want to get involved in the planning but is quite happy to let you get on and do it, (assuming that suits you too).

Wth regard to marriage, if that is paramount to you, then you need to telll him it is non negiotable and fix a date, even if that dat is 5 years hence. If he will not even do that then you need to decide whose aspirations and dreams are the most important.

My belief is that all the things he mentions, sort of blanket-ly covering all the things he wants to do, genuinely ARE things he wants to do. JUst some more than others!

Exemplified by holidays. I know it's not quite on a par with getting married or buying a house, but somehow we manage to find the money for a holiday, a ring isn't that far removed in terms of cost, from what I've looked at and showed him previously. He'll actively participate in sorting out holidays, work out ways of budgeting for the money to go, so in that sense it quite hurts that he won't bother to do this even for an engagement ring, even if plannig a wedding is sometime in the future.

I think he has some lifestyle or amount of income in his head that signifies a point in our lives where yes, we can now start saving for a wedding, or deposit for a house. I don't think he even knows what point this is, but I certainly know it isn't now whilst I'm not earning.

The thing is, I don't necessarily want a lavish, no holds barred wedding. I can wait a while as well, just knowing we have a focus would show me he's serious.

The not wanting to save for a deposit does worry me in the sense that he won't give up or scrimp on his personal pleasures to start putting something away. He genuinely thinks he couldn't right now, but I can see he could, he just won't make cutbacks as we are.

Through my life, although my plans have altered, I have always wanted to get married and buy a house. I couldn't compromise on that and be with someone who didn't want the same, or who wasn't willing to work towards it even if they are technically willing if you see what I mean.

BitterAndTwisted

In your place I'd want the wedding first before any buying of houses. In fact, I'd be tempted to pop out and buy my own engagement ring and then declare when I saw that wedding taking place. Financial aspects are an awful lot simpler when a couple are wed as opposed to just living together. If he pales when he sees your engagement ring you'll know whether you are ever going to get married, so why not get one on approval so you can return it if necessary?

Some people, often men, don't know exactly what they want unless and until someone gives them a shove in the right direction or just starts making some demands. You've already made a huge commitment to the relationship by bearing two children and giving up the independence of working, so maybe it's time for him to start making a few sacrifices, like getting some savings together for your long-term security.

gorgeous_gwen

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

In your place I'd want the wedding first before any buying of houses. In fact, I'd be tempted to pop out and buy my own engagement ring and then declare when I saw that wedding taking place. Financial aspects are an awful lot simpler when a couple are wed as opposed to just living together. If he pales when he sees your engagement ring you'll know whether you are ever going to get married, so why not get one on approval so you can return it if necessary?

Some people, often men, don't know exactly what they want unless and until someone gives them a shove in the right direction or just starts making some demands. You've already made a huge commitment to the relationship by bearing two children and giving up the independence of working, so maybe it's time for him to start making a few sacrifices, like getting some savings together for your long-term security.

I like that way of thinking! I can't say the thought of buying my own engagement ring would have ever crossed my mind, and I know he'd be annoyed about it! He even said the other day it was obvious who was better with money even though he was the one bringing home the money, because I've managed to save up some from the money I deal with to do with the house and he hasn't. I know it'd be a knock to his pride even though he could do it if he put his mind to it.

sueeve

By not doing anything he is in control by default, and you have to decide whether or not that is OK with you. I rather suspect that it is not, which means thta you have some decisions to make. Does he realise how seriously you take this situation?
Have you thought of asking him to read this discussion?

Ladyhawk

Gosh - this sounds like the situation a friend of mine is in - except they have bought a house together and don't have kids. He just keeps saying he lives for the moment and doesn't want to look to the future. When she brings up getting married he says that he would like to get married sometime in the future... what is it with some men??

Good luck Gwen with your decisions - I don't envy you one bit!

Errata

Sounds like it's jam for you on some unspecified tomorrow, but definitely no jam today. The bald fact is that by not deciding on a date to marry, a savings plan and a date to buy a house, his decision is that he isn't going to do these things.
He enjoys planning and saving for a holiday because holidays are treats, whereas marriage and housebuying are hard work and are far more significant.
Right now, he's behaving like a teenager - happy go lucky, come day, go day, little thought or plans for the future. Do you really want to look after three children

Person_one

skintchick wrote: »

Ah. This is an age-old issue. My advice, which is too late now, is not to move in and have a baby with someone if you want them to marry you. Men tend not to want to marry once the woman is in situ, from what I can tell from friends.

I think you need to talk to him again and make it clear how important this is to you, and that he needs to set a date for the wedding and also discuss with you about buying a house.

But you have to decide what you do if he says he doesn;t want to do either - will you leave?

You might be right on the baby aspect, but personally I think living together before marriage is an excellent idea. I say this hot on the heels of a break up with my OH six months after we bought our flat together. Living together showed us we weren't a match in a way that dating or an engagement living separately never would have.

OP, does he truly know how important these things are to you? Sometimes we play down our own desires because we don't want to seem pushy or a nag, but you deserve better than to be putting yourself last for the rest of your life.