How do I find out what he wants?

richardvc

poet123 wrote: »

It doesn't necessarily increase comittment, but it evidences committment, as you tell the world that you are united as a couple, and of course it is a legal committment, which provides security for any children, and the marriage partners.

If you are both of the opinion that it is unimportant that is fine, but if one of you wants marriage or would be happy/happier to go down that route, that the other partner doesn't then that would ring alarm bells for me.

But you stated in your post that it gives 'extra commitment' and now say it evidences commitment - the two are very different.

Marriage is first and foremost a religious ceremony where you are blessed in the presence of your god (whoever he/she may be). The registry office weddings were designed so you could be married in the eyes of the law.

Whilst I would wish anyone the best of luck who wants to get married, there are very few who get married to appease their religious beliefs.

We all seem to forget that if you love and respect the person that you are with and they love and respect you back then life is good because that's the hard part to achieve - getting married is the easy bit.

Person_one

richardvc wrote: »

But you stated in your post that it gives 'extra commitment' and now say it evidences commitment - the two are very different.

Marriage is first and foremost a religious ceremony where you are blessed in the presence of your god (whoever he/she may be). The registry office weddings were designed so you could be married in the eyes of the law.

Whilst I would wish anyone the best of luck who wants to get married, there are very few who get married to appease their religious beliefs.

We all seem to forget that if you love and respect the person that you are with and they love and respect you back then life is good because that's the hard part to achieve - getting married is the easy bit.

I'd actually say that marriage is first and foremost a legal contract. It provides protection for both partners and any children in the event of a break up, a serious illness or medical issue, and death.

Why do you think gay rights orgs fought for the right to marry for so long? They wanted the same legal protections and benefits that straight couples enjoy. I doubt there were many highly religious gay couples just dying to appease a god. (I'm sure there are some of course!)

poet123

richardvc wrote: »

But you stated in your post that it gives 'extra commitment' and now say it evidences commitment - the two are very different.

Marriage is first and foremost a religious ceremony where you are blessed in the presence of your god (whoever he/she may be). The registry office weddings were designed so you could be married in the eyes of the law.

Whilst I would wish anyone the best of luck who wants to get married, there are very few who get married to appease their religious beliefs.

We all seem to forget that if you love and respect the person that you are with and they love and respect you back then life is good because that's the hard part to achieve - getting married is the easy bit.

I said it doesnt necessarily increase committment, but actually in most cases I believe it does. It is indefinable, but if analysed, I suppose it means that if you have signed on the dotted line, you are not just drifting along, but have made a definite decision to committ to a person.

If you are not married the extrication of oneself from a relationship is much easier, so I assume most people are marrying after much thought, rather than just ending up with someone, and knowing deep down, that moving on would not be that difficult if it didnt work out.

richardvc

poet123 wrote: »

I said it doesnt necessarily increase committment,

No, you stated and I quote "All things being equal you can have everything you mention and the extra committment marriage provides".

Whilst I agree with the point you make about extracating yourself from a marriage is tougher, it does also mean that many many people stay in loveless marriages because of the very fact that they are married.

Excellent discussion....

Wickedkitten

I'd say having children together is a hell of a bigger committment than owning a house and getting married. I've been with my partner for 10 years and for us knowing that we indeed to stay together for the long term is enough without throwing getting married into it. He's the love of my life, not an investment.

Person_one

Wickedkitten wrote: »

I'd say having children together is a hell of a bigger committment than owning a house and getting married. I've been with my partner for 10 years and for us knowing that we indeed to stay together for the long term is enough without throwing getting married into it. He's the love of my life, not an investment.

The way I think of it is, having a child together is a lifelong commitment to the child and an acknowledgement that from that point on you will be connected to the other parent through the child. To me, its not necessarily always a binding, serious commitment to the partner. A marriage or civil partnership is just about the couple.

Obviously marriages can break down and divorce is pretty common, but by committing to a marriage in the first place you're also committing to doing things a certain way if things don't work out. That's a very loving and serious thing to do in my opinion.

richardvc

Wickedkitten wrote: »

I'd say having children together is a hell of a bigger committment than owning a house and getting married. I've been with my partner for 10 years and for us knowing that we indeed to stay together for the long term is enough without throwing getting married into it. He's the love of my life, not an investment.

Beautifully put.

This is what seems so sad about the Op's desire to get married seemingly over and above everything else as that is what she has always wanted to do.

Her life seems well settled and her other half seems fine (from what I can tell from her posts) and yet if he doesn't marry her in an undefined timescale, well it maybe curtains.

poet123

poet123 wrote: »

It doesn't necessarily increase comittment, but it evidences committment, as you tell the world that you are united as a couple, and of course it is a legal committment, which provides security for any children, and the marriage partners.

If you are both of the opinion that it is unimportant that is fine, but if one of you wants marriage or would be happy/happier to go down that route, and the other partner doesn't then that would ring alarm bells for me.

ETA I have a wide circle of friends of all ages, and from all sections of society, and very few of them live together long term, without marriage being on the cards, unless, as I say they have had issues in their pasts, and keeping their own name is quite common amongst my acquaintances.

richardvc wrote: »

No, you stated and I quote "All things being equal you can have everything you mention and the extra committment marriage provides".

Whilst I agree with the point you make about extracating yourself from a marriage is tougher, it does also mean that many many people stay in loveless marriages because of the very fact that they are married.

Excellent discussion....

I qualified the comment in my subsequent post, as obviously, it is not always the case that marriage increases committment.

Marriage is not the ideal for all, but for those who do want it, then it is, I imagine, upsetting to find that your partner does not share that desire, or the urgency of that desire, as is the case with the op.

itsallinthemind

poet123 wrote: »

Marriage is not the ideal for all, but for those who do want it, then it is, I imagine, upsetting to find that your partner does not share that desire, or the urgency of that desire, as is the case with the op.

Like wise, imagine how upsetting to find your partner has this urgent desire and without it, they will consider their options! Devastating no doubt.

poet123

itsallinthemind wrote: »

Like wise, imagine how upsetting to find your partner has this urgent desire and without it, they will consider their options! Devastating no doubt.

But if you have a family, a home and a life together, what is there about marriage that would detract from that? and if one of you feels it would add another, better, dimension where is the issue?