How do I find out what he wants?

Oldernotwiser

Person_one wrote: »

Lucky you.

I believe in having all the information in my grasp before I make such a huge decision. It might work for some but for most people there is nothing even remotely similar to living together that will tell you if you can do it permanently.

I'm derailing the OPs thread though. Sorry. Just didn't want to see her criticised for 'living in sin'.

Surely there's a big difference between living with somebody and having children with them - even these days?

thorsoak

One thing that does concern me: it appears that you have agreed with him that you will save first, then buy a house, then get married.

Legally, although you will be linked financially through the house, and both shown as parents to your two children - you wll not automatically be the "next of kin" of each other - each must take legal steps to nominate the other - if not, and there is a horrendous accident - someone else could be making life-changing decisions for either of you.

You headed this thread "how do I find out what he wants" - has he at any time tried to find out what you want? Both are equally important!

shellsuit

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

ailuro, I just wanted to clear up, if it sounded like I wanted a huge wedding and massive expensive ring, I didn't mean it to sound like that! We looked at rings a while ago when we last discussed it, I wanted a pretty little white gold number but we found out what I wanted would be quite difficult to get hold of on the high street so if I was very particular, we'd need to get it made. However from looking into it, it wouldn't be much in excess of £200, if that.

I must admit I was quite inspired by the thoughtful replies on here last night, so I got talking to him. He actually admitted after I explained he could see totally how it would seem to me that he was putting things off for some unspecified time in the future that might never happen, and that was not his intention. He realises we have disposable income, but his feelings are that because it is not much, he'd rather carry on as we are for the time being, and once I return to work, start saving hefty amounts then.

The registry office wedding is something I mentioned, but he said although he can't see us spending ridiculous amounts on a huge wedding, he would like us to do it "properly", which he thinks is what I want too (it would be nice) which obviously isn't feasible at the moment.

I asked about us setting soem specific targets or dates, or working backwards and working out what we wanted house/wedding-wise and how we could get there. What we agreed was that hopefully I will return to work in two years maximum, and at that point we will start saving in earnest, to be agreed at that time based on income and how much we already have saved . In the meantime, he has been sorting out an awful lot of overtime, and the plan is that any extra from overtime will be saved into the generic "pot", as well as anything I can throw in.

I got the distinct impression there is some feeling of failing on his part. He works in a semi-skilled job, but the wages are very average, and although we manage, a lot of the things he said pointed to him feeling like he wasn't suceeding in providing for us. His career aspirations involve a complete change of career, which I would love for him as I know he'd be great at what he wants to do, and completely as abonus it pays much better than what he does now, the only drawback being he has to wait until companies are recruiting, which isn't always very often at all. I did notice after that he had been checking up again to see if anything had come up, which he does quite often.

What is getting married 'properly'? :cool:

itsallinthemind

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

Through my life, although my plans have altered, I have always wanted to get married and buy a house. I couldn't compromise on that and be with someone who didn't want the same, or who wasn't willing to work towards it even if they are technically willing if you see what I mean.

Hi Gwen, Two things alarming me here, no three actually.

Firstly, are you not pregnant? https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/2318409

Secondly, you are starting threads about wedding budgets?

Third, if you marry someone that is because you want to spend the rest of your life with them, good and bad and you as a result will listen to them, put their thoughts and feelings above theirs and cherish them. So he is that important...yet you can not compromise on not marrying? You would leave the love of your life, father to children and babies due, if he did not want to marry you? Quite honestly, if you are pregnant, the poor bloke has a lot more to worry about than a wedding budget!

poet123

itsallinthemind wrote: »

Hi Gwen, Two things alarming me here, no three actually.

Firstly, are you not pregnant? https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/2318409

Secondly, you are starting threads about wedding budgets?

Third, if you marry someone that is because you want to spend the rest of your life with them, good and bad and you as a result will listen to them, put their thoughts and feelings above theirs and cherish them. So he is that important...yet you can not compromise on not marrying? You would leave the love of your life, father to children and babies due, if he did not want to marry you? Quite honestly, if you are pregnant, the poor bloke has a lot more to worry about than a wedding budget!

I dont think that is quite fair.

To many people being pregnant and having kids requires marriage and the committment that brings. If that does not apply to you, that is fine , but if it applies to the OP she is entitled to say that it does, and for those feelings to be considered as important by her OH. A wedding does not need to be lavish, and if there is a holiday budget that would probably suffice if it is put as a priority.

itsallinthemind

poet123 wrote: »

I dont think that is quite fair.

To many people being pregnant and having kids requires marriage and the committment that brings. If that does not apply to you, that is fine , but if it applies to the OP she is entitled to say that it does, and for those feelings to be considered as important by her OH. A wedding does not need to be lavish, and if there is a holiday budget that would probably suffice if it is put as a priority.

It did not require marriage for her first two though?

It's not about being fair, it's about another view point. Others have said marriage should have happened before children!

My point is, if she is pregnant again, when it was not planned, maybe he is more concerned about what the next year will bring and financial pressures, than budgeting for a wedding?

poet123

itsallinthemind wrote: »

It did not require marriage for her first two though?

It's not about being fair, it's about another view point. Others have said marriage should have happened before children!

My point is, if she is pregnant again, when it was not planned, maybe he is more concerned about what the next year will bring and financial pressures, than budgeting for a wedding?

Whe I used the word fair, it was in reference to the implication in your post that she was somehow at fault for feeling the way she did. We all have a threshold at which we think that xyz is now more important than it previously was, maybe a 3rd child is hers.

Maybe he is more concerned with the next year, but he is still planning holidays, so that would not support that viewpoint.

C_Mababejive

Dont beat about the bush. Nail him down now. Tell him what you want and when....if a compromise cant be reached then call it a day.

itsallinthemind

poet123 wrote: »

Whe I used the word fair, it was in reference to the implication in your post that she was somehow at fault for feeling the way she did. We all have a threshold at which we think that xyz is now more important than it previously was, maybe a 3rd child is hers.

Maybe he is more concerned with the next year, but he is still planning holidays, so that would not support that viewpoint.

Of course not, if the OP feels that she requires marriage then it is important. Whatever her desires are in life are important and hopefully they will be mirrored to a certain extent by her partner.

But I do think that in fairness, if I were her partner, that I would see the new baby, the financial pressures of being the bread winner etc more of a priority.

Also, maybe he wants to propose and be romantic, rather than it being another thing that is seen as something to be achieved? Maybe he does not want to buy rings together etc?

On the other hand he may not be as bothered, yet willing to. Maybe she needs to explain why it is important to her and leave conversations of budgets and table favours aside?

I think the OP needs to have a very frank discussion, without letting him agree to her statements, only he knows what he is thinking.

skintchick

Person_one wrote: »

Lucky you.

I believe in having all the information in my grasp before I make such a huge decision. It might work for some but for most people there is nothing even remotely similar to living together that will tell you if you can do it permanently.

I'm derailing the OPs thread though. Sorry. Just didn't want to see her criticised for 'living in sin'.

I didn;t criticise the OP for her choices, nor did I mention the phrase 'living in sin'. I just explained my other post, that I am a christian and therefore would not personally have countenanced living with someone before marriage.

I'm not going to have an argument with you about this but saying that I criticised the OP is underhand, and untrue.