How do I find out what he wants?

maman

I don't really want to venture an opinion on whether/how you can 'change' your OH's mindset. He seems reluctant to alter things because it would make your budget even tighter.

What you could do is take control of your own life and plan for the future. If you have plans to train as a teacher or some other career perhaps now is the time to start getting qualifications/training. If you could make significant contributions to the household budget/savings account then perhaps your OH would start to realise what might be possible in the future.

[Deleted User]

Errata wrote: »

Sounds like it's jam for you on some unspecified tomorrow, but definitely no jam today. The bald fact is that by not deciding on a date to marry, a savings plan and a date to buy a house, his decision is that he isn't going to do these things.
He enjoys planning and saving for a holiday because holidays are treats, whereas marriage and housebuying are hard work and are far more significant.
Right now, he's behaving like a teenager - happy go lucky, come day, go day, little thought or plans for the future. Do you really want to look after three children

I agree totally.., I split up with a lovely man because altho we loved each other enormously, he just could not contemplate moving in together.., just kept saying why do we have to do what everyone else does.., the idea seemed to frighten him and make him feel trapped even tho I practically lived there anyway. After over two years we split.l Not because of a lack of love, just different aspirations.

galvanizersbaby

Errata wrote: »

Sounds like it's jam for you on some unspecified tomorrow, but definitely no jam today. The bald fact is that by not deciding on a date to marry, a savings plan and a date to buy a house, his decision is that he isn't going to do these things.
He enjoys planning and saving for a holiday because holidays are treats, whereas marriage and housebuying are hard work and are far more significant.
Right now, he's behaving like a teenager - happy go lucky, come day, go day, little thought or plans for the future. Do you really want to look after three children

I have to agree with Errata here - OP - I recall it wasn't that long since your last post on the marriage subject and it seems you are still suffering from basically lack of commitment from your OH
I think if you do not both want the same things from life it is time to question whether you want to settle for what you have now and perhaps put up with it or whether you want and need something other than what you have with this man.

pigpen

If you are that desperate for a ring.. save up the money and send him out shopping for it..

If you want a wedding and he does but is quite happy to just sit there.. go book a date!

It has been made quite clear in the relationship with my OH marriage is not an issue.. the baby we don't have much choice over.. it happened anyway.. despite it being a million to one chance ..

how about you both have a list of stuff you want to do and alternately do one off each... would marriage and house buying feature on his? Would advancing a career feature on yours? ..

londoner1998

maman wrote: »

I don't really want to venture an opinion on whether/how you can 'change' your OH's mindset. He seems reluctant to alter things because it would make your budget even tighter.

What you could do is take control of your own life and plan for the future. If you have plans to train as a teacher or some other career perhaps now is the time to start getting qualifications/training. If you could make significant contributions to the household budget/savings account then perhaps your OH would start to realise what might be possible in the future.

I can relate a lot to Pigpen and can also see your predicament, OP. At the beginning of my relationship with my OH, marriage was something that i thought was the measure of whether he was committed to me or not (being 5 years younger than me and with a small child and an ex constantly making demands on him). Fastforward 4 years, and after the death of my dad, I was totally falling to pieces, and our relationship suffered a lot. One day, after an argument, I came back home and he was looking on line the fees for the registry office. He said he thought that would help me to settle and would also be good for his daughter. I went ballistic, but he kept saying he thought that's what I wanted! By then, I had realised that other things mattered more to me than a signature (I know some people will think it is more than that, but w ehave a long history together). Marriage will come, we both agree and he has asked me several times 'when?'- but I am much more pragmatic now. He is also hopeless with finances has has no savings-I have not many, but he works extremely hard and makes decent money. I know he will make much more because he is honest, reliable and hardworking. I think most men can only deal with one thing at a time and in their own timescale. I came to realise he was very afraid of banks and money (past problems) and that he needs to do it in his own time. Coudl this be your OH's situation?

Have you asked yourself why it means so much to you to get married? Have you thought he might not be ready yet to look at finances together? I am not saying you should compromise, but like pigpen, try to look at the alternative approaches. What is your gut feeling telling you?
You can't change him, but you can look inside and see what do you really want and how much can you compromise. If you, like me, have always looked after the house finances, he will have come to expect and depend on that. May be he is not confident finance-wise and probably he s behind you in that kind of thing- how old are you?

paulwf

OP as you aren't married but have children you really should get Wills in place in you haven't already. It would be well worth getting some basic life assurance as well, it will cost very little per month. Pensions are also something to consider if you're having a big talk about the future, but Wills and life assurance are essential as you have children.

Marriage will have some practical benefits such as being next of kin in case of an accident, it isn't just symbolic.

I think he is just a typical guy and I can certainly relate to him...holidays are 100 times more fun to plan than weddings or house buying. He'll probably be happy with what you decide as long as you are in charge of the arrangements. Perhaps you could arrange it so any money you make when you go back to work is put into the wedding and house fund? That way the day to day financial situation won't be any different to what it is now but you'll be able to save a few hundred each month.

Eton_Rifle

This guy is never going to do any of those things he mentioned.

He's not a planner, he's someone who just lets things happen to him and he goes along for the ride. Most people are like this actually. Reactive not proactive. One day they'll realise they're out of time, where did their life go and why didn't they ever do any of those things?

If you're tying yourself to him for life then you need to make plans for both of you because if you leave it all up to him, it will just never happen. You'll find yourself feeling very frustrated and possibly bitter because you've wasted your life waiting for someone else to make a decision that never came. Take control of your own life and if you want him then take control of his too.

gorgeous_gwen

Wow, I didn't expect so many replies, lots of food for thought, thanks!

I have put to him before about me going back to work, potential salaries, and based on our current outgoings, how much we could be looking to save a month, and thus how long it would take to save a realistic deposit. The thing is, he was interested, but even then, to him, the thought of saving over years is alien to him- he openly admits until he met me he was very much the sort of person who if they wanted something now, they'd buy it now andworry about how to afford it later- saving is something he hasn't properly got used to yet.

pigpen, I do want a ring, not for some material gain, if you like, but I see it as a sign of his commitment to me and to us getting married. Saving up and getting him to go out and buy the ring... Ah, well it would be defeating the point wouldn't it? I think being frank, it's partly knowing he went to the effort of doing something special within our relationship. I'm a modern kinda gal but I'd love him to present me with a ring, not only because he thought it was important, but the fact he thought that and then went to the effort of saving the money and buying something for me he thought I'd like as being symbolic of his feelings- hope that makes sense!

My instinct initially is to make plans for both of us, and I know this is how some couples work, but to me I want to feel his energies, even if it's for him to say, let's go out and get a ring, or when shall we set a date then, or let's make a plan to save up. I suppose I dread bringing him along for the ride, then finding out that, no, he didn't really want to get engaged/get married/buy a house together. In a very old-fashioned way, I want him to take control- but then I think am I trying to change who he is- which I know won't work- and I don't want to spend my life thinking, well he's lovely, but I wish he did this/that/the other, and then I'd be truly happy with us.

But then I don't want to wait on him. Or be the one who makes all the effort eg train for a job, scrimp and save up, and be able to buy a house with him but feel bitter because it was down to me and not us working together.

Edited to add: what does my instinct tell me? Deep down I think he does want to get married, he does want to buy a house. I think when asked, he isn't reticent to say so. I think where he fails is actually carrying out such plans. I think he genuinely thinks that being open and saying yes, he wants this, is enough for me to believe it will happen. And I believe he wants these things, but I don't necessarily believe he will stretch himself to achieve them.

Errata

The thing is, he was interested, but even then, to him, the thought of saving over years is alien to him- he openly admits until he met me he was very much the sort of person who if they wanted something now, they'd buy it now andworry about how to afford it later- saving is something he hasn't properly got used to yet.

This will sound harsh, but he needs to get a grip and smell the coffee. He's no longer a fancy free man about town, he has two children to plan for, save for and take steps to ensure they have a stable life and a stable future.

Redman30

The only way you're going to be sure is to discuss this with him. Let him know clearly what you want out of the relationship, and what you want from him.

Then you have to leave it a couple of weeks for him to truely absorb it, and hope he comes to the same conclusions as you. That's the problem with confrontation though, it doesn't always go your way, but at least you'll be sure one way or the other...