How do I find out what he wants?

richardvc

poet123 wrote: »

That is your opinion, others think that if you can live together, have children together then marriage is important. You could use the reverse tack and say if you have all those things together and it was important to the love of yor life, why would you not acquiese and get married?

Because marriage is an institution / ceremony but actually makes no difference - it is a religious/civil ceremony that is just a state of mind.

I would marry my other half tomorrow but she doesn't want to. Am I worried ? No. Do she put less effort into our relationship ? No and do we both want to tread the same path ? Yes

Big difference is I guess is that we discussed it.

Without being unkind Gwen, if after all of this, he doesn't marry you within five years, would you leave him ?

If the answer is yes (which I don't think it is) then you would be wasting the next five years hoping that he might just marry you.

Whereas, owning your own home is a different ball game altogether......

richardvc

Gwen, I am playing devil's advocate here but what would you rather do ? If you had saved a sum of money that could pay for a wedding or be a deposit for your own home - which would you spend it on ?

gorgeous_gwen

We did discuss it, this was part of what became the recent problem, that although we had discussed it, I was concerned his intentions may not come to fruition if left to his own devices- ie going the traditional route and him instigating proceedings.

My practical head did say if I had the money right now I'd go for the house. Having read through the thread I'm wondering if it may be a better idea to go for the marriage though- not sure that's much of an answer, sorry:o

poet123

richardvc wrote: »

Because marriage is an institution / ceremony but actually makes no difference - it is a religious/civil ceremony that is just a state of mind.

I would marry my other half tomorrow but she doesn't want to. Am I worried ? No. Do she put less effort into our relationship ? No and do we both want to tread the same path ? Yes

Big difference is I guess is that we discussed it.

Without being unkind Gwen, if after all of this, he doesn't marry you within five years, would you leave him ?

If the answer is yes (which I don't think it is) then you would be wasting the next five years hoping that he might just marry you.

Whereas, owning your own home is a different ball game altogether......

I think that you are coming at this from your own viewpoint, I know very few woman, who dont want to get married to the man they love, unless their view of marriage has been coloured by a bad personal or parental experience, or by being concerned that it is somehow a constraining exercise.

All things being equal you can have everything you mention and the extra committment marriage provides, and if that is important to one of the parties in a relationship, why would the other party not agree? unless they have undisclosed fears or concerns.

katholicos

Since you have children together, isn't it a little irresponsible for your partner to say that he doesn't really think about the future?

Surely he wants to provide a stable foundation with you in which to raise your family, and therefore isn't it logical, since you know that you want to spend your lives together and want to be married to one another and have a family home together...that these important events should be planned for now, even if they don't happen for a while?

My advice would be to find out how he really feels about marriage and buying a home together, because you have invested your life in the family you have created with your partner, and you need to know if and yes, when, you will marry and look to buying your own home. You are a couple, a team, it is important for you both to know excatly where you stand. There should be no vagueness, no 'will we marry', 'won;t we marry'. You have children together, you need to know where you stand so that you can learn to live with, or even perhaps walk away from the relationship, should he admit that he does not see marriage in your plannable future (he may see it vaguely in the future - but you deserve more than vague and possibly empty promises).

One other thing i would say is that weddings do not have to be elaborate or expensive and if you wait for the 'right time' financially, the right time may not come for many, many years. Some of the happiest marriages i know of have been between people who married without the hoo-haa that is so often associated with getting married these days.

itsallinthemind

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

Through my life, although my plans have altered, I have always wanted to get married and buy a house. I couldn't compromise on that and be with someone who didn't want the same, or who wasn't willing to work towards it even if they are technically willing if you see what I mean.

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

Genuinely, I don't remember saying I would leave him (I'm not saying I haven't but that I don't remember saying that- quite possible the way my hormones have been going!) if he wouldn't get married. Of course if he ever did say that then I would have to consider my options, but as things stand now I'm happy with his intentions.

Every partnership needs compromise. Whilst I totally respect that marriage is important to you, I am at a loss that you would consider splitting from the father of your child because he did not want to.

That aside, he has said he has intentions to do so....

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

He realises we have disposable income, but his feelings are that because it is not much, he'd rather carry on as we are for the time being, and once I return to work, start saving hefty amounts then.

His approach considering the fact that you are currently a pregnant SAHM seem sensible to me. If you wish to spend hefty amounts it is the only way.

I think the most sensible option is not to budget a wedding/house deposit as such, but simply to start a joint savings account so that you can start planning financially, you can then leave it to him to propose when he thinks you are ready and he can feel in control too, maybe it is important to him to do that?

In regard to registry weddings, they are proper, they are just not in a building of worship.

Talking of compromise, you could consider having a registry office wedding(same cost as a will) with just witnesses before your child is born, then later when you have the money you can have a church blessing in bridal wear, with a wedding breakfast or party after, by which time you will be glad of honeymoon/holiday.

richardvc

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

My practical head did say if I had the money right now I'd go for the house. Having read through the thread I'm wondering if it may be a better idea to go for the marriage though- not sure that's much of an answer, sorry:o

The answer is not for me to judge but for you to decide if that's the correct answer.

Full marks for your honesty - good luck but please remember that a kind man / good dad who doesn't marry you is much better than a abusive/selfish/waster man who does.

richardvc

poet123 wrote: »

All things being equal you can have everything you mention and the extra committment marriage provides,

How can a ceremony increase commitment ?

itsallinthemind

poet123 wrote: »

I think that you are coming at this from your own viewpoint, I know very few woman, who dont want to get married to the man they love, unless their view of marriage has been coloured by a bad personal or parental experience, or by being concerned that it is somehow a constraining exercise.

All things being equal you can have everything you mention and the extra committment marriage provides, and if that is important to one of the parties in a relationship, why would the other party not agree? unless they have undisclosed fears or concerns.

I know very few women who are married! Either they do not wish to do as there is no religious reason or simply they do not see the point as they are happy and do not need to confirm their commitment to themselves or anyone else! Some of them also do not want to fuel the wedding industry!

Two couples I know only got married to get next of kin status. Both ladies kept their maiden name. Both of these have parents married 30 years plus!

I know people from various backgrounds, so it is not a case of them belonging to various types of society.

That said, I would marry if it was important to OH for the right reasons, although I would not agree to a fairy tale wedding. However, if OH said to me they would consider their options if I did not wish to marry in their time frame or at all due to them needing my commitment confirmed, then I'd consider my options due to needing their love of me confirmed!

poet123

richardvc wrote: »

How can a ceremony increase commitment ?

It doesn't necessarily increase comittment, but it evidences committment, as you tell the world that you are united as a couple, and of course it is a legal committment, which provides security for any children, and the marriage partners.

If you are both of the opinion that it is unimportant that is fine, but if one of you wants marriage or would be happy/happier to go down that route, and the other partner doesn't then that would ring alarm bells for me.

ETA I have a wide circle of friends of all ages, and from all sections of society, and very few of them live together long term, without marriage being on the cards, unless, as I say they have had issues in their pasts, and keeping their own name is quite common amongst my acquaintances.