How do I find out what he wants?

itsallinthemind

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

There's nothing wrong with wanting to get married- just as there's nothing wrong with not wanting to get married, it's aligning each other's wishes as a couple that is important.

But surely he may not be aligned, may need an extra few years. If you want to spend the rest of your life with him, surely you can wait? A few years really is the blink of an eye

richardvc

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

Oh don't get me wrong, I am very thankful every day for the fact I have a lovely other half, beautiful children, one of which is his and another to come.

However I do take issue with what you say about just "getting on with it"- that's not fair and somehow implies to me my desire for marriage should be put aside to achieve a happy relationship without marriage.

Whilst yes, that is OK for some couples, it is not for me, to me marriage is the celebration of being with the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and who wants the same with me. It signifies the ultimate commitment, to each other, and it is what I want.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to get married- just as there's nothing wrong with not wanting to get married, it's aligning each other's wishes as a couple that is important.

Gwen, the reason I put "getting on with it" is that no matter how good your other half is, the fact of the matter is that if he doesn't marry you then you will be questioning your relationship. That's madness !

You have far more to lose than gain and so do your children.

I hope he marries you for the right reasons and not because you have given him an ultimatum - good luck !

poet123

itsallinthemind wrote: »

Some women are not sold a line, it is simply not an important issue to them and often is to a male partner. There are many famous couples like Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell who have been together nearly 30 years without feeling the need.

And for every famous person,(and therefore, by definition, someone occupying a somewhat insulated postion to the rest of us) there are many more single mothers who wish that they had the security of marriage for themselves, and their children.

Obviously, some woman are not sold a line,and for many marriage is not important, and that is fine, but many more jog along blythely accepting that they will wait till he is ready, he may never be ready, why would he when he has all he wants without that level of committment?

I do agree though that his conversation and any actions that stem from it, should be had prior to kids, buying a house or any other major life milestone.

MrsE_2

richardvc wrote: »

How can a ceremony increase commitment ?

Marriage means far more than a 10-50 minute ceremony.

gorgeous_gwen

richardvc wrote: »

Gwen, the reason I put "getting on with it" is that no matter how good your other half is, the fact of the matter is that if he doesn't marry you then you will be questioning your relationship. That's madness !

You have far more to lose than gain and so do your children.

I hope he marries you for the right reasons and not because you have given him an ultimatum - good luck !

I see what you are saying. I accept completely that a relationship can be enjoyable and, well, good (for want of a better word!), without the two people being married.

If he didn't want to marry me then I wouldn't be questioning my relationship in the sense of whether it was enjoyable/good/etc as it stands, because that is what it is. I judge marriage on what it means to me; and although despite that, I can accept it will mean different things to different people, but if my partner didn't share the feelings I do about marriage, then that would be a deal breaker for me. Because I wouldn't feel contented and happy without that commitment.

richardvc

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

I judge marriage on what it means to me; and although despite that, I can accept it will mean different things to different people, but if my partner didn't share the feelings I do about marriage, then that would be a deal breaker for me. Because I wouldn't feel contented and happy without that commitment.

I really don't want to type this but surely that means that you could have the perfect relationship but would give it up if he wouldn't marry you ?

Can I ask, (and you don't have to answer as I'm prying), why do you need the commitment of marriage to be happy/complete ?

skypie123_2

Richard - Why shouldn't she want to get married? Some people just do. They feel its a valid destination of their relationship. There isn't anything wrong with wanting to get married you know. Maybe she is just ready?

richardvc

Because skypie, it seems that if her other half doesn't want to get married, then she will question her relationship with him. I didn't say she shouldn't get married but I have been alarmed that if he doesn't then everything else is at risk.

This seems very sad as she has said her OH is a decent man, father of one of her children, works hard etc etc and seems to be valuing marriage over the relationship.

I wanted to know the reasoning behind her very real determination to be married at, seemingly, all costs.

Her and OH sound like they have a great relationship and it seems as though she is doubting it for all the wrong reasons.

poet123

To some people marriage is an integral part of the relationship, and without it that relationship is diminshed.

skypie123_2

I would question a relationship with a man I was with, with whom I had children, if he didn't want to marry me. That is just how I am wired. It would mean we had very different values or that he didn't actually see me as 'the one'.
For some ladies (and men I am sure) it is a deal breaker.