How do I find out what he wants?

poet123

I think that what is rankling with the OP is that she sees long term aims as more important than short term ones. That she is willing to sacrifice a holiday to gain the longer term aims, or longer lasting aims, like marriage.

I agree they need to talk.

gorgeous_gwen

itsallinthemind wrote: »

Hi Gwen, Two things alarming me here, no three actually.

Firstly, are you not pregnant? https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/2318409

Secondly, you are starting threads about wedding budgets?

Third, if you marry someone that is because you want to spend the rest of your life with them, good and bad and you as a result will listen to them, put their thoughts and feelings above theirs and cherish them. So he is that important...yet you can not compromise on not marrying? You would leave the love of your life, father to children and babies due, if he did not want to marry you? Quite honestly, if you are pregnant, the poor bloke has a lot more to worry about than a wedding budget!

I am pregnant yes.

The thread about wedding budgets is related to my post from earlier today (don't know if you saw it?) where I explained about the talk we had yesterday and what we had discussed about future plans. I was happy with that as a step forward and have been forward thinking about what to expect to pay for the sort of wedding we would like, and so how much we should be expecting to save. And shellsuit, maybe I used the word "properly" wrongly, what I meant was having the wedding we would both like, rather than a rush job at the registry office and then wishing we'd done it differently afterwards, hope that clears that up:)

Genuinely, I don't remember saying I would leave him (I'm not saying I haven't but that I don't remember saying that- quite possible the way my hormones have been going!) if he wouldn't get married. Of course if he ever did say that then I would have to consider my options, but as things stand now I'm happy with his intentions.

Also I should just clarify that my partner is not the father of my first child. I think poet123 has touched upon what is relevant to me, which is I have reached a point, a threshold, and for whatever reason I feel now is the time I want a firm reassurance of plans for marriage.

I also take the point mentioned a few times about getting married BEFORE buying a house, and this is something I hadn't specifically thought about (ie, in that order) but I'd like to find out more about how that would work with house buying, ie being married first?

richardvc

I haven't read all the posts in this thread so apologise if this has been covered but what is all this fuss about marriage ? Are you trying to conform to a stereotype ? Do you need to get married for social acceptance ?

Being married does not mean more commitment, more love or that you will stay together longer.

It seems rather sad that a man that you say you love and whose baby you are expecting could possibly (albeit it a small possibly), in the future end up without you because he won't marry you.

Enjoy what you have now. We all want something more and never seem to enjoy and respect what we have now - just because he isn't in a rush to marry you doesn't mean he loves you any less and just because you want to marry him doesn't mean you will love him anymore !

Finally, after having read many threads on here where the ladies are fed up with their waster husbands, drunk husbands, abusive husbands etc etc it seems a shame that he is criticised because he doesn't appear to be in a rush to marry you.

Especially as he is a father to your children, the breadwinner and also given you the chance to be a SAHM and sounds like he has other things going for him. Enjoy what you have !

shellsuit

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

I am pregnant yes.

The thread about wedding budgets is related to my post from earlier today (don't know if you saw it?) where I explained about the talk we had yesterday and what we had discussed about future plans. I was happy with that as a step forward and have been forward thinking about what to expect to pay for the sort of wedding we would like, and so how much we should be expecting to save. And shellsuit, maybe I used the word "properly" wrongly, what I meant was having the wedding we would both like, rather than a rush job at the registry office and then wishing we'd done it differently afterwards, hope that clears that up

Genuinely, I don't remember saying I would leave him (I'm not saying I haven't but that I don't remember saying that- quite possible the way my hormones have been going!) if he wouldn't get married. Of course if he ever did say that then I would have to consider my options, but as things stand now I'm happy with his intentons.

Also I should just clarify that my partner is not the father of my first child. I think poet123 has touched upon what is relevant to me, which is I have reached a point, a threshold, and for whatever reason I feel now is the time I want a firm reassurance of plans for marriage.

I also take the point mentioned a few times about getting married BEFORE buying a house, and this is something I hadn't specifically thought about (ie, in that order) but I'd like to find out more about how that would work with house buying, ie being married first?

Rather than a rush job? What's that meant to mean? Anyone getting married in a reg office is having a rushed job and it's not proper wedding?


Do you want a shovel for that hole? :rotfl::rotfl:


I better speak to OH about our wedding, if it's gonna be a rush job and not proper :undecided

MrsE_2

skintchick wrote: »

Ah. This is an age-old issue. My advice, which is too late now, is not to move in and have a baby with someone if you want them to marry you. Men tend not to want to marry once the woman is in situ, from what I can tell from friends.

I think you need to talk to him again and make it clear how important this is to you, and that he needs to set a date for the wedding and also discuss with you about buying a house.

But you have to decide what you do if he says he doesn;t want to do either - will you leave?

DH & I moved in together (quickly), he was on about marriage from the off (I was a little more cautious) & didn't give up until we got married.

I think living with someone before you marry them is sensible (necessary even).

sp1987

Get married on holiday. He seems to like those.

MrsE_2

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Sorry to sound old fashioned, but aren't these the conversations people have BEFORE having two children with a man?

I agree, people should have all this discussed in advance.

gorgeous_gwen

richardvc, it's not about social acceptance, conformity or thinking we will love each other more. I don't think it will make us love each other more, or make us stay together longer (the plan is to stay together forever whatever!)

I feel it is a declaration between two committed people to cement their love, their lives and dedicate their energies towards the fulfilment of their relationship, forever. I know it's not for everyone but it is for me.

shellsuit, I meant a rush job specifically in terms of my relationship, that is, rushing to get married after the crisis talks:o rather than acknowledging we'd like something different that would take more time to arrange and sort out, if you take it as a regsitry office wedding by itself being reasonably easy to arrange. NO offence to you and your OH and your wedding intended!

poet123

richardvc wrote: »

I haven't read all the posts in this thread so apologise if this has been covered but what is all this fuss about marriage ? Are you trying to conform to a stereotype ? Do you need to get married for social acceptance ?

Being married does not mean more commitment, more love or that you will stay together longer.

It seems rather sad that a man that you say you love and whose baby you are expecting could possibly (albeit it a small possibly), in the future end up without you because he won't marry you.

Eenjoy what you have now. We all want something more and never seem to enjoy and respect what we have now - just because he isn't in a rush to marry you doesn't mean he loves you any less and just because you want to marry him doesn't mean you will love him anymore !

That is your opinion, others think that if you can live together, have children together then marriage is important. You could use the reverse tack and say if you have all those things together and it was important to the love of yor life, why would you not acquiese and get married?

shellsuit

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

richardvc, it's not about social acceptance, conformity or thinking we will love each other more. I don't think it will make us love each other more, or make us stay together longer (the plan is to stay together forever whatever!)

I feel it is a declaration between two committed people to cement their love, their lives and dedicate their energies towards the fulfilment of their relationship, forever. I know it's not for everyone but it is for me.

shellsuit, I meant a rush job specifically in terms of my relationship, that is, rushing to get married after the crisis talks:o rather than acknowledging we'd like something different that would take more time to arrange and sort out, if you take it as a regsitry office wedding by itself being reasonably easy to arrange. NO offence to you and your OH and your wedding intended!

Aww I know, I was just teasing, sorry.