How do I find out what he wants?

skintchick

Person_one wrote: »

You might be right on the baby aspect, but personally I think living together before marriage is an excellent idea. I say this hot on the heels of a break up with my OH six months after we bought our flat together. Living together showed us we weren't a match in a way that dating or an engagement living separately never would have.

.

Ah well, I come at it from a Christian viewpoint, and my OH and I didn;t live together before we got married and so far we;ve managed a baby and nearly two years' married quite happily! I guess I believe in doing all your thinking before you get married, so you know they are the right person, and also working together should you hit any problems (not that we have yet).

Bananabelly

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

Edited to add: what does my instinct tell me? Deep down I think he does want to get married, he does want to buy a house. I think when asked, he isn't reticent to say so. I think where he fails is actually carrying out such plans. I think he genuinely thinks that being open and saying yes, he wants this, is enough for me to believe it will happen. And I believe he wants these things, but I don't necessarily believe he will stretch himself to achieve them.

Hate to tell you, my ex told me he could see us getting married, etc even as we were breaking up! I think he thought believed it too, but on the other hand wouldn't meet me halfway with a request I made, and couldn't see how his actions had impacted on me, and was willing to put his friends (and his own happiness) ahead of my feelings, which is when I told him to shove off. Your man sounds a bit like him, in the sense of vague plans and me having to organise our whole relationship! I call him a gunner....I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna do that......

Although it was the best thing I ever did (no kids mind you) I hope it works out for you. My instinct was different because his words didn't fit with his actions. I just wanted you to be aware.

nm123_2

I have a similar OH It's the old "I'm Peter Pan Syndrome".

He wants to do things (holidays, marriage, kids, buying a house etc), but he doesn't seem to be able to connect that with how to achieve it.

I am a planner and he is a floater, that's how we work. I look after the finances and do the planning in our life together. He keeps me grounded when I plan too much by telling me to go with the flow over certain things. We balance each other out.

That's not to say I don't sympathise with how frustrating it can be.... We had a chat a while back and it ended up with my crying because I told him that having a baby/house/wedding was really important to me and I need to know that we are aiming for that together and that if it's not that important to him, he has two choices - either to set me free and let me be with someone who will grant me those things, or to man up and do it himself. It really is that simple, if he loves me, why deny me of those things?

Needless to say we now have some small aims in mind, much of which I've initiated. He lets me get on with planning and I pull him in for input/decisions/advice/chatting through when needed. He's never going to get as involved as me, and that's fine, he doesn't need to and I don't want to force him.

I've shown my OH what kind of ring I'd like, just because I know he'd want to get it right and also that I can be a fusspot! He knows how I imagine our wedding to be, he knows that I'm getting serious about having kids soon, he knows I want to spend a weekend in the mountains, he knows I want to go to a certain place on holiday. In essence I make sure he knows what I want so that he is not suprised when I start planning it! By talking about what I want, I give him the opportunity and encouragement to speak up about what he wants. I can't create that for him, so at the end of the day if it's me who is more determined about planning/doing/achieving things, I know that I need to be the one to drive it. It doesn't mean these things are any less important to him, just things that's he not naturally going to sit and research and plan.

I know my OH wants kids, and I know that he wants to buy a house, but I also know it feels massive to him so he sticks his head in the sand. He just thinks "that'll happen one day" and he's right. He's right because I will make it happen for us both.

There is no easy solution to this. I would never want to make my OH do things that he doesn't want to do, but have made it clear that it's not fair to hold me back just because he is in denial that we are grown-ups now (apparently!).

Perhaps you need to reiterate to your OH that you are deadly serious on these things and let him know that they are really important to you. Would you leave him if he can't help you reach your dreams? Does he know that? Maybe if he knows that it might put it into perspective...

Good luck

ailuro2

He's perfectly happy as he is, 2 gorgeous kids, happy at work, food on the table and a roof over his family's head, with enough money left over for a fortnight in the sun every year. It's a shame about the girlfriend who just can't relax and let life carry on being sweet!;)


Do you want a big wedding and an expensive ring? I think me demanding that would have had my DH running a mile, he's just wasn't into spending on expensive jewellery,especially when we had a (surprise!) baby coming - his first priority was to look after the baby financially. So money would be spent on a buggy and not a ring. I knew that and wholeheartedly agreed with that, so no big sparkly ring for me. I settled for something cheaper. We went away to get married when she was 2, no big meringue dress or big reeception. We did go to Las Vegas, we had stopped smoking so saved up for it using that money. Is that an option you'd consider, given his love of holidays?

The potential difference between you and I, is I was happy to take a lesser ring and not have a £20K wedding because I agreed with him the marriage is all about us, not about the people watching the ceremony and wondering what time the meal is at because they're starving already! I had a cheaper ring, but got the most beautiful eternity ring a few years later when the baby was a bit bigger and we were a bit better off in terms of paying for childcare.

He's already the father of your two kids, if he really is your soulmate then why not book the local registry office for a simple ceremony, it would cost about the same as getting your wills drawn up.

Errata

Couples usually fare better if they share the same vision, values and goals. If they don't they're going off in two very different directions and the diversion often increases over time.

Treacly

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

I was chatting with him the other day, and hoping to get on board with some concrete plans for our future, asked him what his hopes and ambitions were. He replied he doesn't really think about much beyond tomorrow or the end of the week!

He went on to say he has things he wants to do, career plans (good, I'd love him to work on his job as I know it'd make him happy), places he wants to visit, all things that are achieveable in different ways.

When I asked him about marriage, he said he wants to but he doesn't really think about it, we're fine as we are for now and really it won't change anything directly in our lives. He said he refuses to scrimp and save and sacrifice things for a massive wedding because he doesn't see the point (I understood this as him meaning with the money we have now.) He said it's something for the future.

I then spoke about saving up for a deposit on a house. He said that although things are much better money-wise, he again doesn't see the point of scrimping with the relatively small amoutn fo disposable income we have. I pointed out my plans of returning to work and how that would help, he said again it's something to think about for the future.

OP, I'd say you're right to be worried. If you didn't already have kids together I'd be saying 'ditch him - he's just not that into you'. He's got a list of things he wants to do - travel, career - and he's talking as though he's a single man (which he is). When you push him to talk about marriage and housebuying he says he doesn't think about 'much beyond tomorrow' - patently untrue from a man that is perfectly capable of planning holidays and career development.

Seems like you can push him into doing what you want to do and hope he doesn't come to hate you for it, or adjust your own expectations of this relationship and realise that you have no chance of getting this man to commit in the way you want. Both will be hard and potentially very difficult in the longer term but which will be less damaging for your children, as their needs have to come first? Tough call - I really feel for you.

gorgeous_gwen

ailuro, I just wanted to clear up, if it sounded like I wanted a huge wedding and massive expensive ring, I didn't mean it to sound like that! We looked at rings a while ago when we last discussed it, I wanted a pretty little white gold number but we found out what I wanted would be quite difficult to get hold of on the high street so if I was very particular, we'd need to get it made. However from looking into it, it wouldn't be much in excess of £200, if that.

I must admit I was quite inspired by the thoughtful replies on here last night, so I got talking to him. He actually admitted after I explained he could see totally how it would seem to me that he was putting things off for some unspecified time in the future that might never happen, and that was not his intention. He realises we have disposable income, but his feelings are that because it is not much, he'd rather carry on as we are for the time being, and once I return to work, start saving hefty amounts then.

The registry office wedding is something I mentioned, but he said although he can't see us spending ridiculous amounts on a huge wedding, he would like us to do it "properly", which he thinks is what I want too (it would be nice) which obviously isn't feasible at the moment.

I asked about us setting soem specific targets or dates, or working backwards and working out what we wanted house/wedding-wise and how we could get there. What we agreed was that hopefully I will return to work in two years maximum, and at that point we will start saving in earnest, to be agreed at that time based on income and how much we already have saved . In the meantime, he has been sorting out an awful lot of overtime, and the plan is that any extra from overtime will be saved into the generic "pot", as well as anything I can throw in.

I got the distinct impression there is some feeling of failing on his part. He works in a semi-skilled job, but the wages are very average, and although we manage, a lot of the things he said pointed to him feeling like he wasn't suceeding in providing for us. His career aspirations involve a complete change of career, which I would love for him as I know he'd be great at what he wants to do, and completely as abonus it pays much better than what he does now, the only drawback being he has to wait until companies are recruiting, which isn't always very often at all. I did notice after that he had been checking up again to see if anything had come up, which he does quite often.

skypie123_2

There seems to be a lot of women settling here, putting aside their desires and dreams to make way for men who don't seem to care too much about what their OH wants. Why should you compromise what you dream of just because he can't be bothered? Its one day out of your life for the wedding, why on earth shouldnt you have what you want? Why can't he pull his finger out and make it happen for you?

And whats wrong with a big dress and a huge celebration if thats what you want? Its a massive deal getting married not a dental appointment that needs to be minimised so its barely noticeable.
My ex was one of these dreamers. I had gone to huge lengths to make his dreams happen with various situations. When it boiled down to it his view was always 'one day' and what I wanted was too much trouble for him. I feel I deserve better treatment hence he is my ex. Even if getting married isnt what he can be fussed with, if he loves you, and sees what you want, he should make it all happen for you.
I just dont get why you should be the only one to compromise here!

Oldernotwiser

Sorry to sound old fashioned, but aren't these the conversations people have BEFORE having two children with a man?

Person_one

skintchick wrote: »

Ah well, I come at it from a Christian viewpoint, and my OH and I didn;t live together before we got married and so far we;ve managed a baby and nearly two years' married quite happily! I guess I believe in doing all your thinking before you get married, so you know they are the right person, and also working together should you hit any problems (not that we have yet).

Lucky you.

I believe in having all the information in my grasp before I make such a huge decision. It might work for some but for most people there is nothing even remotely similar to living together that will tell you if you can do it permanently.

I'm derailing the OPs thread though. Sorry. Just didn't want to see her criticised for 'living in sin'.