How do I find out what he wants?

Wickedkitten

skypie123 wrote: »

I would question a relationship with a man I was with, with whom I had children, if he didn't want to marry me. That is just how I am wired. It would mean we had very different values or that he didn't actually see me as 'the one'.
For some ladies (and men I am sure) it is a deal breaker.

Not getting on at anyone in the thread, but personally I wouldn't be having children with someone before I had asked the other person about the long term aspects to that question in the first place.

gorgeous_gwen

I should say that we HAD talked about this previously:) I haven't gone through to the point of living with this man, him being stepfather to my oldest and father to ours, without speaking about our long-term plans. It was only when we had our recent conversation where he said about not thinking past the end of the week etc and marriage being for the (unspecified) future that I got worried.

Looking at it like that it is clear it is me that has changed my feelings by wanting to have something more specific put out there.

richardvc, you can ask why I want the commitment of marriage, I mentioned it a bit back. To me it's the ultimate commitment of the ultimate relationship (that sounds dramatic but not meant to, hope you get the idea though!)

To me, I need to be with someone who respects that and feels it too. I do not want to live in a "forever" relationship without being married, as I said, it's a deal breaker. But in many ways it's a rhetorical point as, as far as he's said, does want to get married.

skypie123_2

Wickedkitten - thats fair enough, I've been married and am now divorced and we had two children within our marriage. Now as a 37/8 year old I have a very strong idea of how I expect to be treated and what I feel I deserve but I do understand how younger women might not be so sure of themselves. I know I wasn't when I was younger. I personally wouldn't have children with someone where I didn't know fully where we were headed and in my long term relationships these have always been things we have discussed relatively early on as I can't see the point in being with someone long term that I am crazy about if it isn't going anywhere. To me its kind of wasting time eeking out the years hoping. I would rather be on my own than feel I was doing myself down in that way.
Thats definitely NOT to say I want to marry everyone I have ever gone out with but there comes a point in a relationship relatively early on where you know whether this person is 'marriage material' or not

Mrs_Imp

Person_one wrote: »

Lucky you.

I believe in having all the information in my grasp before I make such a huge decision. It might work for some but for most people there is nothing even remotely similar to living together that will tell you if you can do it permanently.

I'm derailing the OPs thread though. Sorry. Just didn't want to see her criticised for 'living in sin'.

Where was the criticism? It was a comment about a different opinion. There was certainly no mention of 'living in sin'.

Just because you don't agree with not living together before marriage, doesn't mean that it's wrong. It worked brilliantly for me and for many many others.

gorgeous_gwen

skypie123 wrote: »

Wickedkitten - thats fair enough, I've been married and am now divorced and we had two children within our marriage. Now as a 37/8 year old I have a very strong idea of how I expect to be treated and what I feel I deserve but I do understand how younger women might not be so sure of themselves. I know I wasn't when I was younger. I personally wouldn't have children with someone where I didn't know fully where we were headed and in my long term relationships these have always been things we have discussed relatively early on as I can't see the point in being with someone long term that I am crazy about if it isn't going anywhere. To me its kind of wasting time eeking out the years hoping. I would rather be on my own than feel I was doing myself down in that way.
Thats definitely NOT to say I want to marry everyone I have ever gone out with but there comes a point in a relationship relatively early on where you know whether this person is 'marriage material' or not

I definitely hear this! I do wish I had been stronger in the past, I put up with a lot of carp that I shouldn't have, I actually feel glad I wasn't married to DS's father, I stuck around longer because we had DS but at the end of the day I (and everyone around me) knew he wasn't long-term material, I just hoped he would change (yes that age-old story but let's not go there!)

I knew a couple of months in that this one (lol!) would be the one, I had a moment where I looked at him and thought. he's the one I'm going to marry:) It was all very sweet and lovely, he'd taken me out to a works do which he hadn't done before with any previous girlfriends so all his colleagues were rather curious and he was very gallant and gentlemanly about it.

Oh and I've had worse things said to me than about living in sin;)

Redman30

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

richardvc, you can ask why I want the commitment of marriage, I mentioned it a bit back. To me it's the ultimate commitment of the ultimate relationship (that sounds dramatic but not meant to, hope you get the idea though!)

I agree. It's not about the ceremony, the day, the honeymoon, or religion, it's about standing up in front of all the people you know and love and being proud to make your commitment to your partner public. It's all symbolic, the start of your life together as a couple recognised under law, and recognised as one, as a unit to your family and friends.

And I'm an unmarried athiest