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How do I find out what he wants?

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  • richardvc
    richardvc Posts: 1,171 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker Debt-free and Proud!
    itsallinthemind has it spot on - basically, if the OP's other half doesn't marry her then he's toast and I would like to urge her to be thankful for what she has and just to 'get on with it' - we are all brought up to believe that marriage is the right thing and yet it doesn't suit everyone.

    Is it more women who feel like the OP or is it more of a man thing ?

    I feel, that sometimes, you ladies are never really satisfied and that whatever us guys do, there will always be some underlying problem that you almost NEED to worry about.

    We know that we're not perfect and do !!!! up often but sometimes I feel that we live in the real world and not one made of sugar and spice !

    Please understand that this isn't me having a go at 'women' but more of I am after a better insight !
    Thanks to MSE I cleared £37k of debt in five years and I was lucky enough to meet Martin to thank him personally.
  • richardvc
    richardvc Posts: 1,171 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker Debt-free and Proud!
    poet123 wrote: »
    But if you have a family, a home and a life together, what is there about marriage that would detract from that? and if one of you feels it would add another, better, dimension where is the issue?

    Because it is not the be all and end all - whereas for the OP it could be.

    AND it should be a two way decision and not a one way decision.
    Thanks to MSE I cleared £37k of debt in five years and I was lucky enough to meet Martin to thank him personally.
  • nm123_2
    nm123_2 Posts: 251 Forumite
    I think you've actually answered your own question : How do I find out what he wants?...... Ask him :)
    I must admit I was quite inspired by the thoughtful replies on here last night, so I got talking to him. He actually admitted after I explained he could see totally how it would seem to me that he was putting things off for some unspecified time in the future that might never happen, and that was not his intention. He realises we have disposable income, but his feelings are that because it is not much, he'd rather carry on as we are for the time being, and once I return to work, start saving hefty amounts then.

    I'm glad you guys got to talk. Sounds like you needed to and from what you say, he's more on board than you thought.
    The registry office wedding is something I mentioned, but he said although he can't see us spending ridiculous amounts on a huge wedding, he would like us to do it "properly", which he thinks is what I want too (it would be nice) which obviously isn't feasible at the moment.

    This is what happens with my OH too. I would be all for going full steam ahead into planning something, even though it's not feasible at the mo! I guess your OH's viewpoint is that it's not realistic to consider that just yet.
    I asked about us setting soem specific targets or dates, or working backwards and working out what we wanted house/wedding-wise and how we could get there. What we agreed was that hopefully I will return to work in two years maximum, and at that point we will start saving in earnest, to be agreed at that time based on income and how much we already have saved . In the meantime, he has been sorting out an awful lot of overtime, and the plan is that any extra from overtime will be saved into the generic "pot", as well as anything I can throw in.

    See, he does want to do it, but a loose plan suited him better than exact dates and times and amounts down to the penny. :) I have spreadsheets for our finances at home, and my OH can't bear looking at them, but when I tell him "If we keep this up we'll have X in savings" he likes it. He wants the summary, not the detail.
    I got the distinct impression there is some feeling of failing on his part. He works in a semi-skilled job, but the wages are very average, and although we manage, a lot of the things he said pointed to him feeling like he wasn't suceeding in providing for us. His career aspirations involve a complete change of career, which I would love for him as I know he'd be great at what he wants to do, and completely as abonus it pays much better than what he does now, the only drawback being he has to wait until companies are recruiting, which isn't always very often at all. I did notice after that he had been checking up again to see if anything had come up, which he does quite often.

    Ah. Sounds like this is the crux of things for him... You guys need to communicate more. There you are talking about houses and weddings and there he is with designs on a career change :p . He's probably thinking "crikey, how can I fund a wedding and a house right now, when really want I want to do is change jobs"... I've learnt that my OH likes to do one big thing at a time, when it gets more than that he closes down to ALL of it.

    Keep talking to each other, I reckon you'll be fine.
  • Wickedkitten
    Wickedkitten Posts: 1,868 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker
    Person_one wrote: »
    The way I think of it is, having a child together is a lifelong commitment to the child and an acknowledgement that from that point on you will be connected to the other parent through the child. To me, its not necessarily always a binding, serious commitment to the partner. A marriage or civil partnership is just about the couple.

    Obviously marriages can break down and divorce is pretty common, but by committing to a marriage in the first place you're also committing to doing things a certain way if things don't work out. That's a very loving and serious thing to do in my opinion.

    By saying its more of a commitment, I mean that unlike a house or a marriage, unless the other person is a total !!!!!!, you can't just turn your back on the other person entirely if there is a child involved. There are loads of people that unhappily stay in toxic relationships just because there is a child involved.
    richardvc wrote: »
    itsallinthemind has it spot on - basically, if the OP's other half doesn't marry her then he's toast and I would like to urge her to be thankful for what she has and just to 'get on with it' - we are all brought up to believe that marriage is the right thing and yet it doesn't suit everyone.

    Is it more women who feel like the OP or is it more of a man thing ?

    I feel, that sometimes, you ladies are never really satisfied and that whatever us guys do, there will always be some underlying problem that you almost NEED to worry about.

    We know that we're not perfect and do !!!! up often but sometimes I feel that we live in the real world and not one made of sugar and spice !

    Please understand that this isn't me having a go at 'women' but more of I am after a better insight !

    I'm a woman and I agree with you.
    It's not easy having a good time. Even smiling makes my face ache.
  • itsallinthemind
    itsallinthemind Posts: 3,114 Forumite
    I'm a woman and I agree with you.

    Me too.

    I'd hate to be a guy in this day and age. Women change what way they wish to be treated, as often as they shower and send out so many misleading signals about what they want and how a guy should act.

    Ok, women have always done this and guys can be confusing too.

    However, there seems to be an alarming amount of women who can't work out if they want to live their life by old fashioned measures or as true equals and constantly want, want, want everything, including their mind read and act like princesses!

    I feel embarrassed to be a woman lol

    (OP that is NOT an observation of yourself, but of women who are actually my friends! :) )
  • poet123
    poet123 Posts: 24,099 Forumite
    I am a woman, have been married 30 years, have a career, and do not act like a Princess(!) so it is not a requirement of any of those states, it is individual. Wanting equality and marriage is perfectly compatible, unless you view marriage as a constraining institution, which any relationship can be if you allow that to happen.

    There are also an alarming amount of guys who want it all, the perks of married life with none of the committment, the ability to walk away as, and when, for example.

    Living with soemone without the legal protections conferred by marriage is not evidence of equality, it is not a step forward for woman, as generally, they are still (despite the great strides we have made in equality) the ones left holding the baby if a relationship breaks down. Woman will never be truly equal until men can give birth, that is an unpalatable fact, and one which instantly derails the balance of power within any relationship where kids are either in existance, or planned.

    I sometimes feel embarrassed to be a woman, because so many of them fall into the trap of allowing themselves to be undervalued, and sold the "marriage is just a piece of paper" line and misguidedly believe that this means that they are modern, self sufficient feminist thinkers. When in reality it means that many men have their cake and eat it, leaving the crumbs behind.
  • Person_one
    Person_one Posts: 28,884 Forumite
    Tenth Anniversary 10,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    poet123 wrote: »
    I am a woman, have been married 30 years, have a career, and do not act like a Princess(!) so it is not a requirement of any of those states, it is individual. Wanting equality and marriage is perfectly compatible, unless you view marriage as a constraining institution, which any relationship can be if you allow that to happen.

    There are also an alarming amount of guys who want it all, the perks of married life with none of the committment, the ability to walk away as, and when, for example.

    Living with soemone without the legal protections conferred by marriage is not evidence of equality, it is not a step forward for woman, as generally, they are still (despite the great strides we have made in equality) the ones left holding the baby if a relationship breaks down. Woman will never be truly equal until men can give birth, that is an unpalatable fact, and one which instantly derails the balance of power within any relationship where kids are either in existance, or planned.

    I sometimes feel embarrassed to be a woman, because so many of them fall into the trap of allowing themselves to be undervalued, and sold the "marriage is just a piece of paper" line and misguidedly believe that this means that they are modern, self sufficient feminist thinkers. When in reality it means that many men have their cake and eat it, leaving the crumbs behind.

    I would have thanked this about 20 times if I could!
  • gorgeous_gwen
    gorgeous_gwen Posts: 330 Forumite
    richardvc wrote: »
    itsallinthemind has it spot on - basically, if the OP's other half doesn't marry her then he's toast and I would like to urge her to be thankful for what she has and just to 'get on with it' - we are all brought up to believe that marriage is the right thing and yet it doesn't suit everyone.

    Is it more women who feel like the OP or is it more of a man thing ?

    I feel, that sometimes, you ladies are never really satisfied and that whatever us guys do, there will always be some underlying problem that you almost NEED to worry about.

    We know that we're not perfect and do !!!! up often but sometimes I feel that we live in the real world and not one made of sugar and spice !

    Please understand that this isn't me having a go at 'women' but more of I am after a better insight !

    Oh don't get me wrong, I am very thankful every day for the fact I have a lovely other half, beautiful children, one of which is his and another to come.

    However I do take issue with what you say about just "getting on with it"- that's not fair and somehow implies to me my desire for marriage should be put aside to achieve a happy relationship without marriage.

    Whilst yes, that is OK for some couples, it is not for me, to me marriage is the celebration of being with the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and who wants the same with me. It signifies the ultimate commitment, to each other, and it is what I want.

    There's nothing wrong with wanting to get married- just as there's nothing wrong with not wanting to get married, it's aligning each other's wishes as a couple that is important.
  • Errata
    Errata Posts: 38,230 Forumite
    10,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    I think it's bizarre that a woman should be expected to 'just get on with it' as that appears to be as wrong as women, and men, a few years ago who were trapped in an unhappy marriage were expected to 'just get on with it'
    .................:)....I'm smiling because I have no idea what's going on ...:)
  • itsallinthemind
    itsallinthemind Posts: 3,114 Forumite
    poet123 wrote: »
    I am a woman, have been married 30 years, have a career, and do not act like a Princess(!) so it is not a requirement of any of those states, it is individual. Wanting equality and marriage is perfectly compatible, unless you view marriage as a constraining institution, which any relationship can be if you allow that to happen.

    I was not saying people who want to marry, act like princesses. Just that a lot do :)

    I sometimes feel embarrassed to be a woman, because so many of them fall into the trap of allowing themselves to be undervalued, and sold the "marriage is just a piece of paper" line and misguidedly believe that this means that they are modern, self sufficient feminist thinkers. When in reality it means that many men have their cake and eat it, leaving the crumbs behind.

    See, I agree with the above. Marriage is important, religion and morals aside, due to the legal aspect. I also agree that it shows commitment, as someone who's parents have been happily married for nearly 40 years and who's mother is far from constrained, I respect it totally.

    What I have an issue with is the thought that someone would give an ultimatum to a partner on the basis of marriage. Sometimes people reach the stage of wanting to marry at different times and if pushed they may break free.


    Some women are not sold a line, it is simply not an important issue to them and often is to a male partner. There are many famous couples like Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell who have been together nearly 30 years without feeling the need.
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