Feeling rich and lost...

Despera

Princeofpounds, I thank you immensely for your long and very thoughful post.

Despera

carefullycautious wrote: »

The above makes me feel so sad for you.

Yes, me too.

CH27

My son is 16. We have the smallest house of everyone in his group.
But for as long as I can remember, our house is where they all come as the feel welcome & comfortable.
I don't feel ashamed that we haven't got what others have. I'm happy that my son loves his home & knows that money & possesions are not the be all & end all.

LegalBlonde

Despera wrote: »

Are there people who can come and collect the children in the morning, do the drop off, then the pick up, and then drive them home?

Yeah, a taxi, and you can afford it!

But personally I think you should give up the job and fit time with the kids around your writing job. I have just quit a job I hated with no job to go to, no prospects and little income. After years there, how you can motivate yourself to go to work for someone else all day when you don't need and missing out on your kids who are at childminders is beyond me!

Despera

blue_monkey wrote: »

Then you need to change the people you mix with - your perceptin of 'normallity' has been attained from the rich people you want to spend your time with.

Come and have dinner with me, that'll give you a bit of a sense of superiority Although I am sure you'll love how big my garden is.

However, I do think you need to accept you are not going to be rich and living in a massive mansion to get by.

Well, you don't know that.

I mix with people with children of the same age as mine, ones I have known for years, since post-natal classes and playgroups; people whose children are my son's and my daughter's class-mates so I cannot choose other ones. And they are very lovely people at that.

ETA: Since this post has caused confusion I just wanted to clarify that all those people I have mentioned are actually the "rich" ones mentioned in blue_monkey's post. They are not rich though - they have better houses and maybe better cars so the right world would be "richer".

And my point was that I mix with them because that's the people who came to be in my life, not because I means-test them as friends.

SandC

Despera wrote: »

Well, you are wrong Kiki. I don't feel envious, I feel inadequate.

Since everybody around me seems to have it, it is not perceived as luxury but as a norm. And therefore I am below the norm. That's what bothers me.

Despera, if this is the crux of the matter, let's put it into perspective.

You are in a junior position in a large organisation and you've only been there 5 months.

You cannot expect to achieve the house, the school, the everything else in 5 months from what you had before. Your peers didn't, did they?

Give yourself some time to get used to working full time. In 2 years time you might be waaaay ahead of what you are actually aspiring to right now.

blue_monkey_2

princeofpounds wrote: »

Hi despera,

I was motivated to reply to you because there have been a number of posts that I think miss the point of your situation.

Anyone who isn't from London and the South East is obviously going to find a hard time relating to your post. Yes, it's true that you are a million times better off than starving africans. And I am sure that you are grateful for that and you also work hard to improve your situation even despite the luck you have received in being born in a developed country.

But it isn't much consolation when, despite working so hard, you don't seem to be matching in the achievements of your peers. That can be distressing no matter which income level you are at (and in fact scientific studies suggest that our relative wealth to others is more important to happiness than our absolute wealth once we get past subsistence living).

So you start to wonder if you are doing something wrong, or if everyone else is somehow on the take in a way that you haven't figured out yet.

First, the house. For those that aren't aware the average cost of a house in the South East is £270. £300k is a strictly average home, and I suspect even slightly below average for the local area when you consider that the south east includes deprived areas like the medway that drag the average down and the OP is in commuter territory.

I'd like to add that we are in one of those areas too. Move 5 minutes down the road and you can know 50k off and get a bigger house. Move 10 minutes and you can knock 100k off and get an even bigger house.

These houses are a 10 minute drive from a mainline train station and 3 miles from the local private school, 8 miles to another. However, the village schools are lovely.

http://www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-33254051.html

http://www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-28378243.html?premiumA=true

This is a bit further away, another small school in the village: http://www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-29926498.html

http://www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-16590453.html

I think the OP needs to get some perspective and realise that if she stops mixing with people she is aspiring to be, rather than just normal folk, she will see that what she is, is just a mum trying to do the best for her kids but one that is overworked and exhausted and needs a break.

blue_monkey_2

CH27 wrote: »

My son is 16. We have the smallest house of everyone in his group.
But for as long as I can remember, our house is where they all come as the feel welcome & comfortable.
I don't feel ashamed that we haven't got what others have. I'm happy that my son loves his home & knows that money & possesions are not the be all & end all.

I agree, we go to my friends houses and I am frightened to put down a cup. I *try* to be tidy but my house is small and always looks cluttered not matter how much I try and tidy it , however, there is a lot of love and happy memories for us all. And this is the important thing.

KiKi

Despera wrote: »

Well, you are wrong Kiki. I don't feel envious, I feel inadequate.

Since everybody around me seems to have it, it is not perceived as luxury but as a norm. And therefore I am below the norm. That's what bothers me.

Okay, maybe envious is the wrong word. But my point is, you want what they have. There may be many reasons for that, but you can't afford it, and the fact that you are struggling so hard to attain it is sad, and it's draining you.

But as I said, if you won't make changes like moving, or giving yourself more time, or getting a job that pays more, then I don't know how anyone can advise or help. You asked for an external perspective, I offered one.

(For the record, I live in the South East so I know exactly what it's like.)

KiKi

balletshoes

Despera wrote: »

You are spot on, really spot on. I don't know how it happened but I do feel a failure.

I don't envy others, it's not that - I feel disappointed in myself and my husband for not being able to give my kids the same.

My son gets invited to houses which cost at least 500K. I feel ashamed about inviting his friends back to our very lovely but still ex-council house (for which we are about to pay a lot but still that's what we can afford). He also attends an educational group on weekends and nearly all children his age go to private schools. I feel compel to send him to one to just to "fit in".

It is just hard to realise that even with 83K joint income we are the "poor" ones.

I don't know where it came from but I do feel that I am obliged to offer my children the best or I am just a lousy mother who should try harder.

I think this is definitely a mindset you can change - and to be honest, if living in the area you do and feeling like you have to keep up with the Joneses/their children is making you feel like a failure, maybe the best thing to do is move out of that area. Its like, with you, because of where you live, even with all the work you do and the income you have, its not enough. It would easily be enough in another area.

I can't even imagine having all the income you have - we live very comfortably on way less than half what you have, have a 3-bed ex-council house, and some of my DD's friends think we are rich because we have holidays once a year outside the UK . Keep up with the Joneses? Pah, we are the Joneses :rotfl::rotfl:!