Feeling rich and lost...

KiKi

Despera wrote: »

Jesus, I just remembered how we moved from a 1-bed flat to a 3-bed house (when we were renting) and I felt so happy and so accomplished! I didn't even consider private schools then and was very proud to own and run my own sweet little car. And it was just 2 years ago.

What the hell is wrong with me now?

You've seen people with more expensive things than you and for whatever reason you have some insecurity which makes you feel you should have that, too. You've lost perspective. Seriously - go and watch 'Poor Kids' on the iPlayer, it's horrific viewing.

Thing is - and I mean this nicely - that if you continue this attitude your kids will grow up feeling that they need more, that they need the best, that money = achievement.

Do you want your kids to grow up with that outlook on life? It sounds like you're trying to throw money at them as if somehow that makes their lives better. It doesn't. I'm sure they'd much rather spend a fun day with mum and dad than go to private school and attend more educational groups at the weekend.

You need to start looking at smaller achievements. And I *do* think you're envious, otherwise it wouldn't bother you! You might not be out-and-out jealous, but it bothers you enough to want it.

KiKi

KiKi

Despera wrote: »

I am just a lousy mother who should try harder.

The only 'lousy' element is that you're teaching your son to compete, and that money and material possessions are the most important things in life.

KiKi

jay_girlsgirlsgirls

I'd pull out of buying the house immediately and look at early retirement.

It's a lot easier to do than you might imagine, and you do have savings to be able to pull it off.

Spend your time with your kids, I dont even know why you are debating this - the money you'd lose from not having a job would be mad eup in part by the additional time you'd have for cost savings - being able to make your own lunch rather than buy, running 1 car instead of 2 etc... the idea is to get your monthly expenses to as low as possible, and multiply that number by 300 - that is the lump sum you need to support you and your family.

For example, say your current monthly outgoings are 2k:

2,000 * 300 = 600,000 is your magic number.

With your husband brining in 40k (lets call it 30k after tax) which is 2,500 per month... so use that 1,500 on monthly expenses, 1000 into savings. Your husband continues to work, you get a part time job, you'll be at the 600k figure in now time....retire - ding dang do you have 600k at a 4% safe withdrawal rate = 24,000 GBP per year to live comfortably off.

I know many will disagree with my post, for the lack of realism etc.... but it's definately something worth thinking about... less time working = less time rushing, and more time to spend on things that do matter.

No one on their death bed said they wished they had spent more time working............

blue_monkey_2

Despera wrote: »

You are spot on, really spot on. I don't know how it happened but I do feel a failure.

I don't envy others, it's not that - I feel disappointed in myself and my husband for not being able to give my kids the same.

My son gets invited to houses which cost at least 500K. I feel ashamed about inviting his friends back to our very lovely but still ex-council house (for which we are about to pay a lot but still that's what we can afford). He also attends an educational group on weekends and nearly all children his age go to private schools. I feel compel to send him to one to just to "fit in".

It is just hard to realise that even with 83K joint income we are the "poor" ones.

I don't know where it came from but I do feel that I am obliged to offer my children the best or I am just a lousy mother who should try harder.

Ah, so now we get to the bottom of this. A few months back my friend (living in their 500k 4 bed houses) were talking about their friends going to this MASSIVE house and that it would have been lovely to live there and how it was not fair they had small houses.

Now they come to my 3 bed Housing Association semi - I have a huge garden and look out of the windo and wish they had that too.

You know, I think the problem is that you think you are a failure because you cannot give your son what others have. But IF you could give your son what the others have, would your sights be on the multi-million pound house that you could not have. How do you think you'll feel with your children having friends from Private School?

I, personally, think you need to sit down and speak to someone about your past, as to why you feel a failure - I reckon it was something you did not feel you got as a child - be this love or things that others had that you did not, and so feel you HAVE to give these to your children otherwise you have failed them.

You know what will fail them? If they grow up and realise their mum was too busy working to give a damn. My mum was too drunk to give a damn and I grew up on my own, I don't need her, call her and she does not spend time with her children. The one thing I know I'll give my children is time, time for them, holidays for them. My time will come later. It will kill me if my children are with me as I am with my mum.

Go speak to someone, you are not a failure by any means, you seem to have got aost along the way and need to deal with issues that give you these thoughts. Before it destroys your family too.

princeofpounds

Hi despera,

I was motivated to reply to you because there have been a number of posts that I think miss the point of your situation.

Anyone who isn't from London and the South East is obviously going to find a hard time relating to your post. Yes, it's true that you are a million times better off than starving africans. And I am sure that you are grateful for that and you also work hard to improve your situation even despite the luck you have received in being born in a developed country.

But it isn't much consolation when, despite working so hard, you don't seem to be matching in the achievements of your peers. That can be distressing no matter which income level you are at (and in fact scientific studies suggest that our relative wealth to others is more important to happiness than our absolute wealth once we get past subsistence living).

So you start to wonder if you are doing something wrong, or if everyone else is somehow on the take in a way that you haven't figured out yet.

First, the house. For those that aren't aware the average cost of a house in the South East is £270. £300k is a strictly average home, and I suspect even slightly below average for the local area when you consider that the south east includes deprived areas like the medway that drag the average down and the OP is in commuter territory.

But you know you aren't doing badly there. The 450k level is an aspiration but you say yourself it is spacious enough and I think you should allow yourself to feel satisfied with achieving this first. Plus the fact that you are able to pay down the mortgage more rapidly means that you are actually in a better position to upgrade later on, perhaps when the children are getting into their teenage years. Trust me, until then they are going to care little about it.

Wisely you are not overstretching yourself on the property (as I fear you might be on the work front) and this means you have a lot more flexibility on the other questions in your life, work and schooling. Plus it protects you on the downside should the property market wobble.

As for schooling, primary school really doesn't matter a great deal in terms of state v private, I would really urge you relax on this score. There are many good state primaries out there and playing with water and sand at 5yrs old is much the same wherever you are. It doesn't harm chances of getting into a good secondary school either, in fact it's very common to make the switch then into the private system, maybe even the norm.

As for work, you are clearly taking on too much. The amount of sleep you describe is not healthy plain and simple, and it is probably affecting your mood and judgement along with the extra pressure. I can't suggest how best to relieve the pressure - either employ help or dial back on your activities - but I would encourage you to make a step to improve it, see how you feel as a result, and progress from there.

You seem to me very much to have a personality where, maybe perfectionist is the wrong word, but you are pushing yourself so hard, setting the barrier so high, you are maybe losing a bit of perspective. You have discovered as a result there is a mismatch between your self-imposed objectives and your happiness, and the positive side of that is that you can change those objectives (becuase of course that is the side of the equation that has to change).

As for comparing yourself to other people, it's tough but do try not to. If you push you tend to find out that people that are seemingly wealthy are that way because of inheritances, or because of taking on lots of debt, or because of marriage, or sometimes just plain luck (there is a house near me I always envied. Looked in the window one evening and finally figured out who could afford to live there - a multi-million pound pools cheque was framed on the wall!). Many many households are running without any safety cushion of savings or any future provision for life after work. And there are quite a few who made money out of the property boom and that's not going to be repeated any time soon.

So I suggest you use your formidable energy and determination to tackle your current situation. As pointed out identify what would help you feel more satisfied in your work/life balance and then identify the steps you need to reach it.

Despera

KiKi wrote: »

You need to start looking at smaller achievements. And I *do* think you're envious, otherwise it wouldn't bother you! You might not be out-and-out jealous, but it bothers you enough to want it.

Well, you are wrong Kiki. I don't feel envious, I feel inadequate.

Since everybody around me seems to have it, it is not perceived as luxury but as a norm. And therefore I am below the norm. That's what bothers me.

carefullycautious

Your post makes me so glad that I am happy living within my means with children who learned a strong work ethic because they were not spoilt.

They went to university and now excell in their chosen jobs.

Not bad considering we are council tenants (worked all our lives and never had a handout from anybody) and they went to local state schools.

You are in a good place but need to look at getting some outside help ie school runs etc. And stop worrying about the best schools. If you must have private education save for when they are older and will benefit more from it.

And stop worrying about what others have. A friend of mine who lives in a council property of the edge of a commutor belt area used to have a house full of children from this area. The reason being that the kids never saw their parents as they were always working to get the next car,holiday etc keeping up with the jones . These kids loved my friend and her family life as she had time to play games and provide home cooked food etc. She used to say how sad it was that she shared things with these children that the parents never would due to their lifestyles.

As a matter of interest did you go to private school and have a privaledged background.

blue_monkey_2

Also to add, the educational group - if you feel he does not fit in, stop sending him. Take him to fottball instead or get a home tutor.

If you mis with people who have more than you then you are always going to feel like this. You need to mix with people like yourself - normal, hard-working families. As you are. Please do not compete with people who are you never going to be like.

PS. We are of to Florida again next Easter, we have not long been back and I work for myself (but do not earn a lot, I earn enough. More would be nice but we do not need more) I work around my children, they always come first, the business 2nd. For holidays we go to Butlins (I can actually hear your flesh crawl - as mine does) but that is my childrens choice of holiday. When I chose to have children, this was the descision we made. We do not need expensive gadgets and fancy expensive clothes and shoes, we save hard to go on these holidays as the memories my children will have from them will last a lot longer than those they got when they got a new DS/Clothes/Jonny up the road let him swim in his pool.

carefullycautious

Despera wrote: »

Well, you are wrong Kiki. I don't feel envious, I feel inadequate.

Since everybody around me seems to have it, it is not perceived as luxury but as a norm. And therefore I am below the norm. That's what bothers me.

The above makes me feel so sad for you.

blue_monkey_2

Despera wrote: »

Well, you are wrong Kiki. I don't feel envious, I feel inadequate.

Since everybody around me seems to have it, it is not perceived as luxury but as a norm. And therefore I am below the norm. That's what bothers me.

Then you need to change the people you mix with - your perceptin of 'normallity' has been attained from the rich people you want to spend your time with.

Come and have dinner with me, that'll give you a bit of a sense of superiority Although I am sure you'll love how big my garden is.

However, I do think you need to accept you are not going to be rich and living in a massive mansion to get by.