Feeling rich and lost...

sueeve

What you don't know is the financial background of the people at the school gate. Bonus money, inherited money, OK, or mega debt trying to look good to people like you. The only financial situation you really know about is your own.
Comments might suggest that you don't have money worries, and I don't think you do. But you will have both financial and relationship worries if you don't work out a goal for your lives which includes time for each other, and time for yourselves.
Be careful about judging schools. The criteria isn't about whether it suits other children but whether it suits your children. School gate opinions are often out of date or based on the opinion of families with a specific agenda. Read inspection reports carefully, rather than league tables, which often reflect the social nature of the area as much as the actual quality of the education offered. And even inspection are often focussed upon a particular area to target for that year, which is not always the area which concerns you.
Try loving life. Your family will suffer if you don't slow down, far more than getting them into the 'right' school.

balletshoes

Despera wrote: »

No problem.

What puzzles me though is that among my peers I observe something completely opposite: mothers not working or working part-time, families living in nice houses, kids in private schools, holidays in Florida. How on Earth do they do that?

Investment banker husbands? Whom I also see around the school at the pick-up so obviously not working 24/7 either...

thats easy, they're using credit, and will be up to their necks in it.

Despera

blue_monkey wrote: »

Also, the area that you live or clearly want to live, you are going to spend your whole life 'keeping up' with the jones'.

The people next door to us have brand new cars, one of them a BMW. You know what, they are not theirs! One comes with their job, the other is leased cheap because of the job. Yet to everyone else, they have a nice car. They have lots of nice things and holidays away, but they are not 'happy'. DH head the bloke next door (he was in the loft and head everything, LOL) complaining to his mate that he wanted to be with him and not doing family stuff.

All the money in the world cannot buy you happiness and contentment. I would consider moving, buying somewhere cheaper and giving up the day job and spend more time on the job you love - which will work perfectly around the house and children.

Your children do not need to go to the best school in the country. If you buy somewhere cheaper, maybe the money you have saved will pay for private school from age 11 if you are worried about their education.

We have moved, children are more resiliant than you think and they find new friends quickly. Heck, they fall out with the ones they have every week anyway.

I think it is YOU that does not want to move and YOU that wants the house. You have said yourself that it is YOU that wants to live in London. Why not aim for this when the kids have grown up? The reality of living in London is that there is lots of pollution, people are too buy to say hello to each other, you cannot park your car outside your house, you have to pay the congestion charge, move the car you might not get parked when you get home.

Stand back and have a good think - move to the countryside, pay £300k for a 4 bedroom detached house and get the train to work if you still feel the need to do it. Then you can afford your car and your holiday too.

The problem is, I already live in the countyside. And in my countyside, £300k will buy me a 3-bed ex-council semi, not a 4-bed detached, if I am after a good catchment area for secondary schools. Actually the initial idea was that we live there for 3-4 years, get the older one in, and then we can move to a bigger house for the same money on the other side of the town.

My area is expensive, first we moved here when my OH worked locally and over time it just became home, so here we are.

Thanks for your reassuring words about the kids adapting quickly. I AM considering moving the older one to the school to which he can walk on his own (thus freeing up a lot of my time) but feel concerned about him leaving behind not only his current "outstanding" school but also his friends.

pod3

You want reasons to be happy? - You have two jobs! You have a husband who earns enough that you don't have to touch your income! You have children in 'good schools'! You have a house and the option of moving if you want to and oh you have £90,000 in the bank

If you are too tired to see that then stop working through the night and use some of your savings to take time out and enjoy what you have - plenty of people would like the choices you have and ability via the money you have available to resolve the 'problems' you percieve you have.

Watch Poor Kids on Iplayer and you might get your perspective back

Miss.Sian-Marie

I think you just need a little "me" time.

You are very lucky but I do sympathise with you.

I'm 21 next month, I live on my own in a 2 bed flat. I work 2 jobs just to get by and struggle with my bills every month. I haven't bought new clothes or shoes for myself in the last 2 months, why? Not because I don't have time but because I can't afford to.

I'm exhausted but I'm happy. If I'm too tired to work at my 2nd job I will call and change my shift (it's in a pub so very flexible) although it means I may have a little less money, it means I still keep my sanity and remain happy with my lifestyle. I always make sure I have time to see my family + friends and enjoy the time I spend with them - these are the things that keep me happy that money can't buy.

Have you thought about taking a week off or something just to wind down and get away from it all?

Nara

Money doesn't make you happy, sure it helps get you what you want in life but unless you win the lotto it means working hard for it.

Personally I wouldn't want to work thro the night and day, up London etc with children as I would never get to see them and when i did i would be too tired to make an effort with them.

With all that money i say book a holiday or something, even if i had all that money and jobs etc i wouldn't want to push myself to the limit buying the most expensive house i could or sending my kids to private school, or buying nice cars tbh, what if something went wrong? like losing your job or your OH losing his job, then you are up the creek without a paddle.

This happened to my OH after 12 years at his company, leaving us with hardly any money to survive on for a year till he found another job, made me realise how much money we wasted in the first place:rotfl: and how really at the end of the day being healthy and having a roof over your head is the most important thing, not fast cars, expensive holidays/houses etc.

KiKi

OP, I think you do know that you're lucky, but you're so tired you just can't see the wood for the trees.

Why do you need a 4 bed detached house? You have a 3 bed semi. It's good enough, it meets your needs. Why do you want a bigger mortgage hanging around your neck?

Why do you need to put your 4 yo into private education when she's already at a very good school? Are you going to set her expectations so high that she loses perspective in life, too? (Not that private education is wrong, but if you can't afford it then teaching your child this won't help!)

You have £90K in the bank. Ninety thousand pounds. NINETY THOUSAND POUNDS. Nine zero. There are people on these boards for whom that would be five or six year's salary, and they feed their families on it.

My view? You have become so obsessed with what you think your lifestyle should be, that when you realise you can't afford it, even on £83K a year, you have have been crushed by the disappointment. Add up what that lifestyle costs, then work out if you can afford it. You probably can't. How do other people afford it? Use of credit, being in huge debt that they can't afford - or, they simply have better salaries than you, or they manage their money better than you. You are so exhausted by the life you ARE leading and the disappointment you feel, that you can't see what you're doing to yourself. The people who lead those lifestyles are few and far between. You're aspiring to something that almost no-one achieves - and you thought your salaries would achieve it. They won't.

You are putting aside nearly £2000 a month. You can easily save for lovely things if you want to. But you're so consumed with working and chasing after the kids and commuting that you don't even have TIME to look at what you could do with that money. And you want more of that? Really?

My advice to you (you might not like it):
* Stop wishing for this romantic ideal that living in London has for you, in a 4 bed detached house (as if somehow that sort of house is the best type) with holidays four times a year to Florida and private education. You have to be minted to do that. It's NOT all it's cracked up to be. If you want to earn that sort of cash, there's always a price to pay elsewhere. Always

* Find a part-time job that fits with your writing and gives you time with your children. They won't stay young for long, and you'll have missed it all chasing some romantic dream and sitting on a train and staying up all night, when all your kids want is some more of your attention. They will not care about money, and if they do, it's because you've given them that mentality

* Save more, then live that better lifestyle once the kids have left home - you will have a fabulous time in later life with that, rather than trying to do it all now, struggling for cash

* If you are so desperate to live that lifestyle that you want to ignore the impact on you and your family, then get a job that pays more


Oh, and go to the BBC iPlayer and watch 'Poor Kids' if you truly want a sense of perspective.

I don't mean this harshly - I do actually feel sorry for you. I'm the same age as you, and I quit my £50K plus a year London job last year to be a writer. I live on very little, in a small flat with my cats. But I am so happy. So very, very happy.

Money and lifestyle really isn't everything. As long as your kids are fed, watered clothed, happy and able to do things with mum and dad - what more do you want? If your child was diagnosed with some terrible illness tomorrow, no amount of money in the world would put it right. Something in your life is going to have to give - and I recommend it be your FT job, because it's not just the financial cost you're bearing, it's the time cost. Once you can see more clearly, you might be able to re-adjust your thinking. But until you take time for you to do that, it ain't going to happen.

Truly, all the best.
KiKi

Despera

FireyFaerie wrote: »

I agree with others, that if you can afford it I would pay for someone to do the school run for you to free up more time.

Thanks. I have a childminder that takes my younger one to nursery but I have to get her to the childminder first - so it is still an extra car journey for me in the morning.

Are there people who can come and collect the children in the morning, do the drop off, then the pick up, and then drive them home?

pigpen

My sister got a scholarship to a private school and the children there were vile.. evil little bullies who made her life miserable becuse she was 'poor'.. they did the same to her cousin who went 2 years later.. and a completely different school my OH had exactly the same experience. I wouldn't even consider a private school for mine! My sister as a result left school at 13.. and went back for the last 8 months at the crappiest local comprehensive with the worst ratings in the country at that time... she got 11 GCSE's grades A and B... she then funded her own way through uni and is now a barrister.. private schools didn't do that for her, she did that herself.

Besides.. primary school is about learning the basics and learning through play and having fun.. with private schools there is too much money being thrown at them to let them be children and enjoy their time..

Having seen others experience of private schools and having looked round and seen the chidren leaving/entering I wouldn't send a dog there.. and I don't even like dogs!

Leave your daughter where she is happy and doing well and get a holiday booked.. that would benefit her far more than a suffocating experience at a private school... spend your money on enjoying your child.. they grow up before you can blink.. do you really want to miss those important time with her?

CheeseCat

Despera wrote: »

We try to go easy on heating to save on bills (that's why I hate winter because I always feel cold). And I think nothing of buying a reduced pack of mince which I do like to bulk out with veg.

But you are right in every word.

Yeah, but you'd never HAVE to do that though would you? I think that was the point.

I hope that what some of the others have said here will help but when I basically hear someone who is 'rich and its still not good enough' it seriously irks me.

I have friends who are actually struggling. I wont post too much about them because I know one of them posts here. One of them told us yesterday her hoover broke and she can't afford a new one so she's having to sweep the floor instead for the forseeable future. Is she whining and moaning? No, she actually said it in a really positive 'oh well, sods law eh?' kinda way... and you think you've got problems!!!

Right, i'm out :mad: