Feeling rich and lost...

make_me_wise

Did anyone; family, friends, teachers etc ever praise you as a child OP? Not just when you achieved something, but along all the little steps it took to acomplish something. My view is that you dont seem to look at how much you have achieved and feel a sense of pride in yourself.

Look at all the wonderful things you give your kids. They have two parents who want the very best for them and to provide all they can. You aspire to educate them well so they will have all the opportunities you had and more. You want to live in a nice house. They see mummy and daddy working hard, not sitting round on their butts all day complaining and work shy.

And yet you say you feel a failure!!! The only person you are failing is yourself because you are your own worse critic and cannot for some reason see all your qualities. If people on a forum who have never met you can see them they are there. Might sound an odd thing to suggest to someone who I have no doubt is very capable and intelligient, but I think a self-esteem course could do you the world of good.

FBaby

I have only ready the first two pages, but had to write right away because OMG.... I could have written almost exactly the same than you. Like you and husband, my partner and I earn just over £90K. Like you, we live in the SE and like you we deal with a VERY expensive housing market. I think most people here are completely clueless at the differences in the cost of living. A three bedroom semi in nice but not best area in our town start at about £260 and that's not even as expensive as some of the nearest towns.

Like you, i work full-time, except in my case, I can't say I enjoy it. It used to be challenging is a nice way, but now it is only pressure, stress and slavery. They have relacated our office three times in 6 years now, and I have to travel 1 hour 15 minutes morning and evening. I too have two children, and do all the drop off/pick ups, as organising the holidays and everything else relating to them. My partner is not their dad and their dad is useless, so can't help that much. Like you, I am absolutely shattered and feel I have no life, and I too feel bitter that I don't get to enjoy our money because once everything is paid, we don't have that much disposable income. I know it might sound incredible to many, but it is the reality. Once we have paid the mortage, the bills, childcare (no help), there isn't that much left. The main reason is that we are repaying our mortgage so that we have paid everything in 7 years. That's my partner's decision, not mine, it does cause issues in our relationship, but it is one thing my partner won't buldge on. I see his point, I just wish we could enjoy our money more. Like you, holidays are at family homes abroad, and like you, although I am grateful for it, it is more a resting holiday than an exciting one. I look at the cost of everything when I do my weekly shopping at Tesco, I now shop exclusively in charity shops, my children only get clothes from supermarkets and only when they are on sale! I go to get my hair done two or three times a year, have never had a manicure, padicure, self tan or whatever else you can spend your money on! Like you, my friends either don't work or only work part-time and seem to enjoy a lot more things that I do, and I to wonder some time how they do it, although I know for a couple of them, they received quite a decent inheritance, others are quite into debts, and others have remortgage their house many time. So ok, we are more responsible, but I am not sure it is so worth it.

I used to work .9 FTE, which I took as extra holiday, but I got a new job in March (had to apply for my old job as part of restructuration), I was more or less told it had to be full-time. I didn't really want to as I knew I would find it hard, but at the same time, I knew I would be expected to do the job full-time and I thought I might as well get the money for it. I also thought it was the right decision is case the prospect of redundancy was again raising its head in the near future! I was looking forward for the extra money, thought I would put it aside for a trip to america to visit family I haven't seen for over 12 years. But of course, with 40% of this taken out, what's left doesn't really make up for the stress, especially after I have paid for the extra childcare (and I get no money from my ex towards the kids).

Enough of my rumbling, but gosh do I sympathise. It is only Wednesday and I am already totally shattered and it makes me so cross. I am becoming more and more resentful of part-time or stay at home mums because I feel so guilty and disappointed that I don't have enough energy left to spend quality time with my kids. We leave home at 7:15 in the morning, normally get home around 6pm, and week-ends, I am usually so exhausted, I struggle to organise things together because I can't bear more travelling or being out for too long. I won't even bring the subject of schools

The difference is, i am stuck in this. I can't give up my job. So for anyone who reads how wonderful life would be earning over £45K, believe me, if you live in the SE, once you've paid for your taxes and receiving nothing back, you are not as rich as you might think. Of course you have the luxury of not having to worry how you going to put food on the table or pay the next electricity bill, but you usually don't get where you are without having worked very hard for it, and the exhaustion that can come with what such a salary entails is not always worth it.

sooty&sweep

Hi

I'm sorry but I've not read this entire post, just flicked through so apologies if I'm covering something previously discussed.

Have you thought about what you are doing to your health ? To be honest you sound like you're heading for a heart attack or stroke at an early age brought on by stress, exhaustion etc. From your 2 children's perspective they may end up with a big inheritance but I bet they'd prefer their mum around instead !!!

Why do you feel the need to work fulltime and be self employed simultaneously + 2 children ??
If you packed your job in could you earn more from your self employment because you have more time to dedicate ?? Could you also fit around school time to make it easier to pick up and drop off children etc. Or could you consider going part time and building your business up slowly ?

To be honest I think you and your partner need a serious conversation about what you want from life based on what you can realistically achieve (rather than keeping up with the Jone's)
I also think wonder whether you should seek some sort of counselling because you need to learn to love yourself rather than constantly putting yourself down and striving to be something you can't maintain longterm.

Good Luck whatever you decide

Jen

MoneySavingMamma

I've read the first three pages, and I get where your coming from.

Me & OH don't earn anywhere near as much as you, but we earn double what we did 2years ago, but we do ALOT more hours and don't have quality time with our son. The cost of living has gone up as has childcare and I don't get MSE bargains/reduced meats etc anymore as I just don't have time.
I don't have time to cook from scratch now & I don't enjoy the ready meals/quickly prepared meals, it's all just bland just like life without time to enjoy it!

I've lost focus on life, and I'm just waiting for the workload to calm down and the savings to slowly build so life can be enjoyable again. I've been living this funless life for over 18months, it's just like life is just on hold. Earning money (mostly) doesn't bring you happiness, but I think saving it up for big things (Florida etc) or a year off? Cut back in hours when you know you can afford it, letting the writing be your main job etc.

I wouldn't give up yet, like me, put your life on hold, build your finances up & then you can enjoy yourself with financial stability! (Thats what I'm waiting for yey!)

poet123

FBaby wrote: »

I have only ready the first two pages, but had to write right away because OMG.... I could have written almost exactly the same than you. Like you and husband, my partner and I earn just over £90K. Like you, we live in the SE and like you we deal with a VERY expensive housing market. I think most people here are completely clueless at the differences in the cost of living. A three bedroom semi in nice but not best area in our town start at about £260 and that's not even as expensive as some of the nearest towns.

Like you, i work full-time, except in my case, I can't say I enjoy it. It used to be challenging is a nice way, but now it is only pressure, stress and slavery. They have relacated our office three times in 6 years now, and I have to travel 1 hour 15 minutes morning and evening. I too have two children, and do all the drop off/pick ups, as organising the holidays and everything else relating to them. My partner is not their dad and their dad is useless, so can't help that much. Like you, I am absolutely shattered and feel I have no life, and I too feel bitter that I don't get to enjoy our money because once everything is paid, we don't have that much disposable income. I know it might sound incredible to many, but it is the reality. Once we have paid the mortage, the bills, childcare (no help), there isn't that much left. The main reason is that we are repaying our mortgage so that we have paid everything in 7 years. That's my partner's decision, not mine, it does cause issues in our relationship, but it is one thing my partner won't buldge on. I see his point, I just wish we could enjoy our money more. Like you, holidays are at family homes abroad, and like you, although I am grateful for it, it is more a resting holiday than an exciting one. I look at the cost of everything when I do my weekly shopping at Tesco, I now shop exclusively in charity shops, my children only get clothes from supermarkets and only when they are on sale! I go to get my hair done two or three times a year, have never had a manicure, padicure, self tan or whatever else you can spend your money on! Like you, my friends either don't work or only work part-time and seem to enjoy a lot more things that I do, and I to wonder some time how they do it, although I know for a couple of them, they received quite a decent inheritance, others are quite into debts, and others have remortgage their house many time. So ok, we are more responsible, but I am not sure it is so worth it.

I used to work .9 FTE, which I took as extra holiday, but I got a new job in March (had to apply for my old job as part of restructuration), I was more or less told it had to be full-time. I didn't really want to as I knew I would find it hard, but at the same time, I knew I would be expected to do the job full-time and I thought I might as well get the money for it. I also thought it was the right decision is case the prospect of redundancy was again raising its head in the near future! I was looking forward for the extra money, thought I would put it aside for a trip to america to visit family I haven't seen for over 12 years. But of course, with 40% of this taken out, what's left doesn't really make up for the stress, especially after I have paid for the extra childcare (and I get no money from my ex towards the kids).

Enough of my rumbling, but gosh do I sympathise. It is only Wednesday and I am already totally shattered and it makes me so cross. I am becoming more and more resentful of part-time or stay at home mums because I feel so guilty and disappointed that I don't have enough energy left to spend quality time with my kids. We leave home at 7:15 in the morning, normally get home around 6pm, and week-ends, I am usually so exhausted, I struggle to organise things together because I can't bear more travelling or being out for too long. I won't even bring the subject of schools

The difference is, i am stuck in this. I can't give up my job. So for anyone who reads how wonderful life would be earning over £45K, believe me, if you live in the SE, once you've paid for your taxes and receiving nothing back, you are not as rich as you might think. Of course you have the luxury of not having to worry how you going to put food on the table or pay the next electricity bill, but you usually don't get where you are without having worked very hard for it, and the exhaustion that can come with what such a salary entails is not always worth it.

To be fair, and from how it reads to me, it would appear that it is not resentment towards other working, or non working mums, you should be feeling, but resentment towards your partner who it seems does not see your needs, or even those of your children, in his quest to be mortgage free. You should perhaps consider this and sit down and sort out the issues you detail above.

CH27

FBaby wrote: »

I have only ready the first two pages, but had to write right away because OMG.... I could have written almost exactly the same than you. Like you and husband, my partner and I earn just over £90K. Like you, we live in the SE and like you we deal with a VERY expensive housing market. I think most people here are completely clueless at the differences in the cost of living. A three bedroom semi in nice but not best area in our town start at about £260 and that's not even as expensive as some of the nearest towns.

Like you, i work full-time, except in my case, I can't say I enjoy it. It used to be challenging is a nice way, but now it is only pressure, stress and slavery. They have relacated our office three times in 6 years now, and I have to travel 1 hour 15 minutes morning and evening. I too have two children, and do all the drop off/pick ups, as organising the holidays and everything else relating to them. My partner is not their dad and their dad is useless, so can't help that much. Like you, I am absolutely shattered and feel I have no life, and I too feel bitter that I don't get to enjoy our money because once everything is paid, we don't have that much disposable income. I know it might sound incredible to many, but it is the reality. Once we have paid the mortage, the bills, childcare (no help), there isn't that much left. The main reason is that we are repaying our mortgage so that we have paid everything in 7 years. That's my partner's decision, not mine, it does cause issues in our relationship, but it is one thing my partner won't buldge on. I see his point, I just wish we could enjoy our money more. Like you, holidays are at family homes abroad, and like you, although I am grateful for it, it is more a resting holiday than an exciting one. I look at the cost of everything when I do my weekly shopping at Tesco, I now shop exclusively in charity shops, my children only get clothes from supermarkets and only when they are on sale! I go to get my hair done two or three times a year, have never had a manicure, padicure, self tan or whatever else you can spend your money on! Like you, my friends either don't work or only work part-time and seem to enjoy a lot more things that I do, and I to wonder some time how they do it, although I know for a couple of them, they received quite a decent inheritance, others are quite into debts, and others have remortgage their house many time. So ok, we are more responsible, but I am not sure it is so worth it.

I used to work .9 FTE, which I took as extra holiday, but I got a new job in March (had to apply for my old job as part of restructuration), I was more or less told it had to be full-time. I didn't really want to as I knew I would find it hard, but at the same time, I knew I would be expected to do the job full-time and I thought I might as well get the money for it. I also thought it was the right decision is case the prospect of redundancy was again raising its head in the near future! I was looking forward for the extra money, thought I would put it aside for a trip to america to visit family I haven't seen for over 12 years. But of course, with 40% of this taken out, what's left doesn't really make up for the stress, especially after I have paid for the extra childcare (and I get no money from my ex towards the kids).

Enough of my rumbling, but gosh do I sympathise. It is only Wednesday and I am already totally shattered and it makes me so cross. I am becoming more and more resentful of part-time or stay at home mums because I feel so guilty and disappointed that I don't have enough energy left to spend quality time with my kids. We leave home at 7:15 in the morning, normally get home around 6pm, and week-ends, I am usually so exhausted, I struggle to organise things together because I can't bear more travelling or being out for too long. I won't even bring the subject of schools

The difference is, i am stuck in this. I can't give up my job. So for anyone who reads how wonderful life would be earning over £45K, believe me, if you live in the SE, once you've paid for your taxes and receiving nothing back, you are not as rich as you might think. Of course you have the luxury of not having to worry how you going to put food on the table or pay the next electricity bill, but you usually don't get where you are without having worked very hard for it, and the exhaustion that can come with what such a salary entails is not always worth it.

Resenting part time & SAHM is ridiculous.
You & your husband have made your choices & now you have to live with them.
Obviously paying off the mortgage quickly is far more important than quality of life.
Most Part time & SAHMs make lots of sacrifices to be with their children.

Gigervamp

I really don't understand people who have children, then insist that the children must have the best of everything, so work all the hours under the sun and moon in order to pay for *the best* when the really best thing for those children is quality time spent with their parents.

Children are only children for such a very short time and they don't need holidays in florida, private education and all the other trappings that *the Jones'* have.
What they NEED, is a parents undivided attention. Time to take them to the park, bake cakes, go splashing in puddles and days out at the seaside.

OP, you have your values and priorities wrong. There has been a lot of very good advice given to you, I really hope you take it, for the sake of your health and especially for the sake of your children.

KiKi

FBaby wrote: »

I have only ready the first two pages, but had to write right away because OMG.... I could have written almost exactly the same than you. Like you and husband, my partner and I earn just over £90K. Like you, we live in the SE and like you we deal with a VERY expensive housing market. I think most people here are completely clueless at the differences in the cost of living. A three bedroom semi in nice but not best area in our town start at about £260 and that's not even as expensive as some of the nearest towns.

I think that's a little unfair. I agree that some people don't understand the cost of living, but not all.

I live in the South East, in an incredibly expensive town. I'm not clueless at the cost of living at all - but I could live VERY comfortably on £90k for 2 adults and 2 kids. I paid £185K for a 2 bed flat here, and that was six years ago. Plenty of people *could* make £90K a year and have LOTS saved up! And yes, in the South East!

I too feel bitter that I don't get to enjoy our money because once everything is paid, we don't have that much disposable income. I know it might sound incredible to many, but it is the reality. Once we have paid the mortage, the bills, childcare (no help), there isn't that much left. The main reason is that we are repaying our mortgage so that we have paid everything in 7 years.

I would suggest that's the reason why your £90K is a push for you - not just because you're in the South East.

So for anyone who reads how wonderful life would be earning over £45K, believe me, if you live in the SE, once you've paid for your taxes and receiving nothing back, you are not as rich as you might think.

Living in the SE isn't a reason to just manage on £90K a year. It will impact your finances, sure, but it's not a reason to find it hard to pay for a holiday. Paying off your mortgage in seven years, on the other hand, is.

I'm not criticising your choice of where your money goes - of course not! But I think your suggestion that other people are judging harshly because they don't know the reality of living in the SE is a bit of a red herring, here, that's all.

KiKi

ciderwithrosie_2

Gigervamp wrote: »

I really don't understand people who have children, then insist that the children must have the best of everything, so work all the hours under the sun and moon in order to pay for *the best* when the really best thing for those children is quality time spent with their parents.

Children are only children for such a very short time and they don't need holidays in florida, private education and all the other trappings that *the Jones'* have.
What they NEED, is a parents undivided attention. Time to take them to the park, bake cakes, go splashing in puddles and days out at the seaside.

OP, you have your values and priorities wrong. There has been a lot of very good advice given to you, I really hope you take it, for the sake of your health and especially for the sake of your children.

Excellent post!

SandC

KiKi wrote: »

I think that's a little unfair. I agree that some people don't understand the cost of living, but not all.

I live in the South East, in an incredibly expensive town. I'm not clueless at the cost of living at all - but I could live VERY comfortably on £90k for 2 adults and 2 kids. I paid £185K for a 2 bed flat here, and that was six years ago. Plenty of people *could* make £90K a year and have LOTS saved up! And yes, in the South East!




I would suggest that's the reason why your £90K is a push for you - not just because you're in the South East.




Living in the SE isn't a reason to just manage on £90K a year. It will impact your finances, sure, but it's not a reason to find it hard to pay for a holiday. Paying off your mortgage in seven years, on the other hand, is.

I'm not criticising your choice of where your money goes - of course not! But I think your suggestion that other people are judging harshly because they don't know the reality of living in the SE is a bit of a red herring, here, that's all.

KiKi

Also, as this poster didn't read the whole thread they will be unaware that the OPs monthly wage sits untouched in the bank, so their situations are not so similar after all!