Feeling rich and lost...

SandC

FBaby wrote: »

I have only ready the first two pages, but had to write right away because OMG.... I could have written almost exactly the same than you. Like you and husband, my partner and I earn just over £90K. Like you, we live in the SE and like you we deal with a VERY expensive housing market. I think most people here are completely clueless at the differences in the cost of living. A three bedroom semi in nice but not best area in our town start at about £260 and that's not even as expensive as some of the nearest towns.

Like you, i work full-time, except in my case, I can't say I enjoy it. It used to be challenging is a nice way, but now it is only pressure, stress and slavery. They have relacated our office three times in 6 years now, and I have to travel 1 hour 15 minutes morning and evening. I too have two children, and do all the drop off/pick ups, as organising the holidays and everything else relating to them. My partner is not their dad and their dad is useless, so can't help that much. Like you, I am absolutely shattered and feel I have no life, and I too feel bitter that I don't get to enjoy our money because once everything is paid, we don't have that much disposable income. I know it might sound incredible to many, but it is the reality. Once we have paid the mortage, the bills, childcare (no help), there isn't that much left. The main reason is that we are repaying our mortgage so that we have paid everything in 7 years. That's my partner's decision, not mine, it does cause issues in our relationship, but it is one thing my partner won't buldge on. I see his point, I just wish we could enjoy our money more. Like you, holidays are at family homes abroad, and like you, although I am grateful for it, it is more a resting holiday than an exciting one. I look at the cost of everything when I do my weekly shopping at Tesco, I now shop exclusively in charity shops, my children only get clothes from supermarkets and only when they are on sale! I go to get my hair done two or three times a year, have never had a manicure, padicure, self tan or whatever else you can spend your money on! Like you, my friends either don't work or only work part-time and seem to enjoy a lot more things that I do, and I to wonder some time how they do it, although I know for a couple of them, they received quite a decent inheritance, others are quite into debts, and others have remortgage their house many time. So ok, we are more responsible, but I am not sure it is so worth it.

I can't give up my job. So for anyone who reads how wonderful life would be earning over £45K, believe me, if you live in the SE, once you've paid for your taxes and receiving nothing back, you are not as rich as you might think. Of course you have the luxury of not having to worry how you going to put food on the table or pay the next electricity bill, but you usually don't get where you are without having worked very hard for it, and the exhaustion that can come with what such a salary entails is not always worth it.

As I said above, as you haven't read the whole thread you might be unaware that the OP's salary from her full time job sits untouched in the bank each month - so your circumstances on the surface seem similar but if you were in her situation I think you might think 'stuff the job' would you not?

BugglyB

CH27 wrote: »

Resenting part time & SAHM is ridiculous.
You & your husband have made your choices & now you have to live with them.
Obviously paying off the mortgage quickly is far more important than quality of life.
Most Part time & SAHMs make lots of sacrifices to be with their children.

Unfortunately resentment, along with jealousy, bitterness and anger, is one of those emotions we can't help feeling! Telling people not to feel the way they do is pretty much one of the most unhelpful things you can do!

Despera

SandC wrote: »

Also, as this poster didn't read the whole thread they will be unaware that the OPs monthly wage sits untouched in the bank, so their situations are not so similar after all!

Actually, our situations are VERY similar. I couldn't believe how similar they are, in fact.

My main salary sits in the bank because I haven't got mortgage yet to pay off so I am not spending it. But if we are to take out the mortgage we are aiming for repaying it in full would amaizingly too take us 7 years (honestly, I did calculations).

That's what I was thinking of doing too.

Despera

make_me_wise wrote: »

Did anyone; family, friends, teachers etc ever praise you as a child OP? Not just when you achieved something, but along all the little steps it took to acomplish something. My view is that you dont seem to look at how much you have achieved and feel a sense of pride in yourself.
QUOTE]

Actually no, they didn't. My mum wanted me to achieve a lot and I was a straight A student, from school year 1 up until graduation from University. She used to say that for me to get a B is worse than to get a D. So I guess I am indeed a perfectionist.

Sadly, my mum has passed away already a few years back (as has my dad), both in their early fifties. And I think the reason I am trying so hard might be because they would expect me to do well in life so I am still trying to make them proud. To be perfectly honest, it is killing me to think that I am not living up to my mum's expectations, whatever they were.

Despera

princeofpounds wrote: »

Can I ask OP, what sort of wealth did your family have growing up? Is this a case of not having much and trying to build it all up in one generation? Or is it a case of trying to match the level of your parents but with different incomes?

I went to a state school but it was selective. I come from a middle-class family but after my parents divorced life became more difficult financially. We were never poor as such but it was difficult for mum. SInce then I am terrified of having no money. So the mere thought of having savings in the bank makes me feel content.

I guess that's part of the reason why we did so well saving up 90K.

blue_monkey_2

Despera wrote: »

make_me_wise wrote: »

Did anyone; family, friends, teachers etc ever praise you as a child OP? Not just when you achieved something, but along all the little steps it took to acomplish something. My view is that you dont seem to look at how much you have achieved and feel a sense of pride in yourself.
QUOTE]

Actually no, they didn't. My mum wanted me to achieve a lot and I was a straight A student, from school year 1 up until graduation from University. She used to say that for me to get a B is worse than to get a D. So I guess I am indeed a perfectionist.

Sadly, my mum has passed away already a few years back (as has my dad), both in their early fifties. And I think the reason I am trying so hard might be because they would expect me to do well in life so I am still trying to make them proud. To be perfectly honest, it is killing me to think that I am not living up to my mum's expectations, whatever they were.

Then this is what you need help with. Go get counselling, I am sure that your parents would have been proud of you whatever you acheived, only it looks like they never got a chance to tell you this.

I reckon this is the issue you need help with. When you have paid your mortgage you are still going to feel this way unless you get some help for your feelings.

When you get your £500k house, it'll still not be good enough because you have these unresolved issues. Sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear but I think you need counselling to deal with your parents death and their assumed expectations.

kathy206

Gigervamp wrote: »

I really don't understand people who have children, then insist that the children must have the best of everything, so work all the hours under the sun and moon in order to pay for *the best* when the really best thing for those children is quality time spent with their parents.

Children are only children for such a very short time and they don't need holidays in florida, private education and all the other trappings that *the Jones'* have.
What they NEED, is a parents undivided attention. Time to take them to the park, bake cakes, go splashing in puddles and days out at the seaside.

OP, you have your values and priorities wrong. There has been a lot of very good advice given to you, I really hope you take it, for the sake of your health and especially for the sake of your children.

:T:T:T Fantastic post Wish I could thank it more than once:T

Despera

Gigervamp wrote: »

I really don't understand people who have children, then insist that the children must have the best of everything, so work all the hours under the sun and moon in order to pay for *the best* when the really best thing for those children is quality time spent with their parents.

Children are only children for such a very short time and they don't need holidays in florida, private education and all the other trappings that *the Jones'* have.
What they NEED, is a parents undivided attention. Time to take them to the park, bake cakes, go splashing in puddles and days out at the seaside.

OP, you have your values and priorities wrong. There has been a lot of very good advice given to you, I really hope you take it, for the sake of your health and especially for the sake of your children.

A very useful perspective. And I really like the auburn kitten on your picture.

I agree, children do not need all those trimmings while they are young - they will be happy with whatever we offer. But as they get older it gets trickier. They want to go on holidays abroad like their friends, they want gadgets like their friends’, they ask questions why Johhny's dad has a bigger car than ours. They too want to feel adequate. I felt it very clearly when I changed schools at the age of 12 and found myself in a much posher crowd than my previous friends. Kids feel it too, not just parents. And a lot does come down to pure evil money.

My son has a football table (not hugely expensive, £50) and I also succumbed to buying him the play station. And it did help him to be more sociable and confident because when he invites friends over he knows they will have fun. Of course, my home-made cottage-cheese pancakes are contributing too.

As for education - I still believe that even if a child is happy at school it doesn't necessarily mean that he is getting good education academically. So it is my job as a parent to make those choices for him while he is too young to understand.

CH27

Despera wrote: »

A very useful perspective. And I really like the auburn kitten on your picture.

I agree, children do not need all those trimmings while they are young - they will be happy with whatever we offer. But as they get older it gets trickier. They want to go on holidays abroad like their friends, they want gadgets like their friends’, they ask questions why Johhny's dad has a bigger car than ours. They too want to feel adequate. I felt it very clearly when I changed schools at the age of 12 and found myself in a much posher crowd than my previous friends. Kids feel it too, not just parents. And a lot does come down to pure evil money.

My son has a football table (not hugely expensive, £50) and I also succumbed to buying him the play station. And it did help him to be more sociable and confident because when he invites friends over he knows they will have fun. Of course, my home-made cottage-cheese pancakes are contributing too.

As for education - I still believe that even if a child is happy at school it doesn't necessarily mean that he is getting good education academically. So it is my job as a parent to make those choices for him while he is too young to understand.

You are in very grave danger of passing your hang ups onto your children.

Blue-Monkey's advise about you gettting counselling is excellent.

gingin_2

Do you have to live where you live?

I am Home Counties born and bred and was adamant that I wouldn't bring my children there. We spent some time when ds was born living in Hertford and St Albans but made the decision to move to Cambridge because of the lifestyle. OH commutes to London as do many other parents I know but we strike a very good work/life balance here because it is so relaxed.

It's definitely not cool to be cool here and the schools are excellent. I can genuinely say no one cares what house/flat you live in and what your background is. My kids go to play at professor's houses one day and a council flat the next. No one cares.

I'm not saying you have to live in Cambridge but as a girl who was brought up in the Home Counties, I am so glad to have left that bubble.