Feeling rich and lost...

Despera

KiKi wrote: »

Despera - you asked for a different perspective. This was someone else's perspective.

Don't jump down their throats if you disagree with something they're posting - they're simply responding to what they see, based on what you've posted. That's all anyone can do on here.

You might not like people's responses, nor agree with them, but you asked for a different view, and so you will get some of those!

KiKi

Yes, thank you.

I just don't think that personally I could ever write to anyone in this manner, especially about children, regardless of what I might think.

KiKi

Despera wrote: »

Making time for myself though is something I must do. Just don't know how.

Yes, please do. When you have time, things a) seems much clearer and less unhappy and b) you feel calmer. One of the reasons I left my employed job!

Suppose I am not quitting my full-time job because it brings twice as much as self-employment.

True. But you would have time to do more SE work, and fit it around your schedule. You also wouldn't have to commute. I commuted for 11 years, 3 hours a day into London. The travelling made me more tired than the working, ironically...even though all I was doing was sitting on a train.

One solution though would be to start delegating work to my colleagues - that way I would keep the client but wouldn't need to work unconvenient hours.

Do you mean your SE work? That's a good idea...do you work with a group of associates? I'm SE, as an HR consultant and a writer (I know, completely unrelated...), and I get most of my work through associates, or pass on work to them if it's not something in my skills set.

There's about six of us who pass HR work around and get it back to the client! And, of course, if it's your client, you can take a cut and still be paid a portion for someone else doing your work. Nice little business model if you can make it work!!

Is there any way you can take a week out just for you in the next couple of months? With no work commitments?

KiKi

whitewing

My husband is my safety net and I his!

Desperada, you are resourceful. You need to trust yourself that all will be well if you loosen up a bit.

Kiki's post is kindly written from how I read it. I do know myself when I am tired I am quick to react and I read the same things very differently to when I am cheerful. I do think you are overworking yourself and something needs to give. I agree with either cutting down your jobs or chucking money at a solution to give you more time to yourself/family. It does sound like a chore and a ticklist.

Tropez

Despera wrote: »

A very useful perspective. And I really like the auburn kitten on your picture.

I agree, children do not need all those trimmings while they are young - they will be happy with whatever we offer. But as they get older it gets trickier. They want to go on holidays abroad like their friends, they want gadgets like their friends’, they ask questions why Johhny's dad has a bigger car than ours. They too want to feel adequate. I felt it very clearly when I changed schools at the age of 12 and found myself in a much posher crowd than my previous friends. Kids feel it too, not just parents. And a lot does come down to pure evil money.

My son has a football table (not hugely expensive, £50) and I also succumbed to buying him the play station. And it did help him to be more sociable and confident because when he invites friends over he knows they will have fun. Of course, my home-made cottage-cheese pancakes are contributing too.

As for education - I still believe that even if a child is happy at school it doesn't necessarily mean that he is getting good education academically. So it is my job as a parent to make those choices for him while he is too young to understand.

When I was a kid, my parents were not exactly well off. They were never impoverished but there were times due to circumstances that the household income was low. My dad drove a Skoda (and Skoda's were pretty cheap and nasty back then) and I never went abroad for a holiday until I was old enough to pay for it myself at 18/19. I never had a games console as a kid either.

So while I had friends who had Mega Drives, Playstations, Dreamcasts, N64's etc. whilst I was growing up, and whose parents were able to pay for them to go to Tenerife, Cyprus or Magaluf for holidays, I didn't and the truth is it doesn't matter. I might have been slightly jealous at the time and I may have wished that I'd had a little more but as I've grown up I realise none of that matters in the scheme of things. I had parents who supported and encouraged me and who spent the little extra money that they had on things they knew I would take a keen interest in and that means more to me as an adult that some fleeting visit abroad or a games console would have.

balletshoes

what I do with posts I'm reading, if they appear to me to be a little abrupt or stated as "fact", is mentally put "in my opinion" in front of what I'm reading. Because everyone is entitled to their opinion . You don't need to agree with that opinion, and on public forums, you don't even have to acknowledge it.

I actually do agree with you that as children get older they can have feelings of inadequacy - but as parents we can attempt to manage those realistically, and it doesn't have to be about how much money we have.

Despera

whitewing wrote: »

Kiki's post is kindly written from how I read it.

I wasn't referring to Kiki's posts - she is very tactful.

It was blue-monkey's message which I thought was not fair.

blue_monkey_2

I am sorry you feel offended - for what I am not sure. Honesty? That is the way you wrote it, there was no emotion in the comment, I was going to comment back them but I didn't. You wanted an opinion, the more you right the more comes out. You need to get some help.

My DD is also year 3, my son Y2. Neither have a sense of inadaquacy about money or *things*. Your son wants *things* and without them he feels inadequate (your words). Yes, mine want *things*, they get told they cannot have them and certainly do not feel inadequate for it. it has nothing to do with money but they are not having them just because others have them. If your children have this feeling, it is because it has been put into their heads. Which means it is has either come from you, or from the people they are mixing with. Either way is not healthy.

Sorry, I know you do not like my viewpoint but you did ask for it. You cannot expect everyone to agree with you.

And you did state that your son was at an academic club and that the kids their had more than your son and the parents had more than you. Stop going. Your son is 7, maybe 8. Why the need for an academic club? Is he not meeting your expectations academically? He is 8 - worry about it at secondary. Kids of this age are still learning to read and write properly.

Maybe you son also feels inadequte intellectually because you are sending him for extra schooling while his other friends are having a kick around in the park?

Again, just my viewpoint but I think you need to speak to someone - if you could not see your parents doing it you will not see when you are doing it to your son. And as for damaging them - you have been damaged by your parents actions and now feel a failure because you feel you did not meet their expectations, break the cycle now and do not let your children feel this way too.

whitewing

Despera wrote: »

I wasn't referring to Kiki's posts - she is very tactful.

It was blue-monkey's message which I thought was not fair.

Ah, I see.

I've only skimmed some of the posts on this thread. There have been times though on the forum that I have been very upset over someone's comments. But I have found that those who have upset me most have generally posted something (on a completely separate thread or post) that has made me understand their perspective a little better, or had highlighted a situation in their own life that was truly dreadful. So, while it doesn't excuse someone for being upsetting, it does seem a lot less of a personal attack.

I always try to not respond straight away to something that upsets me. Often someone else will post and ease the situation which will make the negative easier to digest. You don't have to reply to everything - some things need to chug away at your subconcious for a bit.

rachbc

Despera wrote: »

A very useful perspective. And I really like the auburn kitten on your picture.

I agree, children do not need all those trimmings while they are young - they will be happy with whatever we offer. But as they get older it gets trickier. They want to go on holidays abroad like their friends, they want gadgets like their friends’, they ask questions why Johhny's dad has a bigger car than ours. They too want to feel adequate. I felt it very clearly when I changed schools at the age of 12 and found myself in a much posher crowd than my previous friends. Kids feel it too, not just parents. And a lot does come down to pure evil money.

My son has a football table (not hugely expensive, £50) and I also succumbed to buying him the play station. And it did help him to be more sociable and confident because when he invites friends over he knows they will have fun. Of course, my home-made cottage-cheese pancakes are contributing too.

As for education - I still believe that even if a child is happy at school it doesn't necessarily mean that he is getting good education academically. So it is my job as a parent to make those choices for him while he is too young to understand.

You know what - I never asked my parents why we didn't have a bigger car - my son has never asked me - sure he'd love it if we had lambo but he knows he's never going to! Doesn't help that his uncle actually does have one....

Its your job as a parent to instill in your children that their 'adequecy' has nothing what so ever to do with the amount of money/ stuff they do or don't have. You need to deal with your own issues before you can do that. Unless you are a multi millionaire there is always going to be someone with more.

Being happy doesn't guarentee a good education - BUT no matter how good the education if they are unhappy it won't matter a jot.

blue_monkey_2

Despera wrote: »

You know what I would really, really want if I could choose? I want to live in London, always wanted.

But I am not on my own anymore, I had kids too soon and my OH is quite happy where we are, not to mention that moving will uproot the kids as well as me because I would have to create a whole new social circle and it was hard enough the first time around. And we do live in the area with good state schools whereas all my London girls say that the in London you can only get decent secondary education in private schools.

Despera wrote: »

Thanks for your reassuring words about the kids adapting quickly. I AM considering moving the older one to the school to which he can walk on his own (thus freeing up a lot of my time) but feel concerned about him leaving behind not only his current "outstanding" school but also his friends.

Despera wrote: »

You are spot on, really spot on. I don't know how it happened but I do feel a failure.

I don't envy others, it's not that - I feel disappointed in myself and my husband for not being able to give my kids the same.

My son gets invited to houses which cost at least 500K. I feel ashamed about inviting his friends back to our very lovely but still ex-council house (for which we are about to pay a lot but still that's what we can afford). He also attends an educational group on weekends and nearly all children his age go to private schools. I feel compel to send him to one to just to "fit in".

It is just hard to realise that even with 83K joint income we are the "poor" ones.

I don't know where it came from but I do feel that I am obliged to offer my children the best or I am just a lousy mother who should try harder.

Right, perspective.

I picked these bits up from your posts - there is more but I will start on these. It is hard to get some when you are tired and have so many posts to read.

Who are you doing all of these things for? Yourself? Or for your son? You say you feel 'compelled' to make him fit so send him to an educational group (just what is this anyway? More school? He should not need it if the school he attends is outstanding) in but you want him to fit into a group of people to which - by your own admission - you do not fit into. You feel poor.

Please stand back and take a look at this for what it is. You are trying to make your family into something you are not and can never be - you need to accept what you have. They then get ideas and aspirations of something they are never going to be. They feel inadequate. YOU have made the situation as it is.

While I understand you want to do your best to impress your parents (and you have said this), they are not here to impress (and for that I am truly sorry), so just who are you doing this for?

And this is why you need some counselling - to find out WHY you feel this need and desire to make your children be something they will never be for people who are no longer here. I am sorry again if you find this advice offensive but this is the root of all of your problems.

And I am sorry if you did not want to hear that but you, yourself, wrote the stuff in those quotes and it is you that wants more for your son. He is 8. He has not even done a third of his education and you already have him at an educational group at the weekend and by your own admission you feel like the poor ones. No wonder he feels inadequate if you are always worrying about. Kids pick up on these things, even if you do not say things to their face.

Here's an idea, instead of sending him to more school at the weekends, why not just spend time with him? You and your husband work long hours and commute into London, why are you shipping your children off to school on a weekend too? Because you feel he is not doing well enough at school? It is unfair on your children for you to push your feelings of failture onto them and you will damage them for the future too. Yes, damage, that is a word I will use too because it is the right one to use.