Feeling rich and lost...

Despera

blue-monkey, I am starting to feel very angry. Maybe you think that you have read between the lines of my posts and came to conclusions but they are wrong. And I don't mean your opinion, I mean the facts.

blue_monkey wrote: »

Who are you doing all of these things for? Yourself? Or for your son? You say you feel 'compelled' to make him fit so send him to an educational group (just what is this anyway? More school? He should not need it if the school he attends is outstanding) in but you want him to fit into a group of people to which - by your own admission - you do not fit into. You feel poor.

Please stand back and take a look at this for what it is. You are trying to make your family into something you are not and can never be - you need to accept what you have. They then get ideas and aspirations of something they are never going to be. They feel inadequate. YOU have made the situation as it is.

I said that I felt compelled to send him into the private school, not to the educational group. And while it would be wrong to want to educate him privately for THAT reason, it is not wrong to want to educate him privately. For me it is about great quality schooling, not about mixing with posh crowds.

I wrote that I can afford private school fees and I also explained why my children are not going to a private school right now, and the reason has nothing to do with money.

I am not sure what you mean about wanting to turn my family into something they are not going to be. What are my children never going to be? I might never own a 500K house and be part of Royal family but they can aspire to whatever they like when they grow up. Especially if I make a base for them now with good education.

The educational group (I wish I hadn't mentioned it) is just one hour of foreign language. He has friends there and he enjoyes going there. I did not say that people in that group are super-rich because they are not - all I said is that kids there go to a private school, which for those families is about wanting great education for the children and willing to spend money on it, as far as I can tell.

So I don't understand your references of trying to fit him into something. Wanting material things is one thing but having ambitions is something different.

You have mixed everything in one pile. But thank you for taking time to respond to my thread anyway. You have made some useful points which I have taken on board, even if I only replied in respect of those which were just not accurate.

Despera

MrsAtobe wrote: »

Despera, is there a way that you can taye a day off from all work activities and just do, well, nothing? Or sleep, or have a massage or something else you enjoy?

I worked in the City of London for 18 months, and you get sort of stuck on a treadmill- that may not e the best way to describe it, but it's the best way I can think of putting it. One of the guys that I worked with turned up to work one day in jeans, forgetting that he was going to be meeting clients. So he calmly walked into Austin Reed and bought everything he needed, even the shoes. Working and living in that sort of environment does skew your perspective as to what is normal. It definitely did to me!

You've realised that something is wrong, you do appear to be on that treadmill / stuck in a deep rut, you do need, for the sake of your health, sanity and family to do something about it. Do you have an aunt or uncle that you could talk to about this? Looking back, being made redundant from that job was a blessing in disguise, even if I'm still paying off the credit card . If you carry on like this, it will be YOU that gives.

Thank you. I kind of thought it is OK for both parents to work full-time and have children at the same time. So I guess it is about balancing.

Have you read the book "I don't know how she does it"?

blue_monkey_2

Well, I am bowing out now. D, you seem to hear what you want to hear 'I am in the same boat and I understand how you feel' most of us have suuggested a week off work but there has been no response to that.

You are getting angry because I have picked up on your posts. That is what people do, the most you post the more you give away about yourself. Are you angry that people have started to realise these things?

And sorry but yes, it is also about your children. You are already putting your failings on then, they have to have 'the best' school. The best for who?

And thank you Kiki, you have explained what I meant. You yourself wrote that you children should not feel inadequate, when I said they were too young to be feeling that you called me a liar. Children can only get these feelings from others, as a parent, if our children are picking up the wrong things from the wrong kids then yes, your job is to help them find other friends in other circles. Be that swearing, drugs or feeling of inadequacy because they do not have as much as them.

As an adult, if we realise that our friends are actually a bit of a pillock, we'll find new ones or mix in a different social circle - children have no choice when we thrust these things upon them.

You yourself have said you feel like the poor one, which implies you are hanging around with people that make you feel inadequate and so these feelings are not going to change until you either deal with your feelings or find new friends.

And sorry but yes, our feelings and actions do impact on our children. Let's be honest, you bought your son a playstation so he would 'fit in' and his friends have something to do round your house. My kids friends come round and play in the garden with each other - not their expensive stuff, they should not be needing playstations to 'fit in'. Again, these were your words.

Until you get help with your feelings then you are always going to feel like this. Have a read of my other thread about the way my friend is at the moment because of her family and her husband not being good enough for them and then you'll get an idea of what all of these little unimportant, unresolved things do to our children long term.

I wish you well and hope you speak to someone to make you feel better about what you have, 2 beautiful, clever, healthy children and a hard working husband, 2 jobs, more money thant people can shake a stick at and just one of them that you say you absolutely love. Don't blink and miss your babies growing up - one day they will no longer need you. It maybe something else you will regret. Life moves too fast for us to take it all back later on. Good luck whatever you decide to do.

Despera

blue_monkey, you offered your perspective but you also assumed lots of things and made conclusions about me based on those assumptions.

You assume that I bought the playstation (and you even ask me to admit it!), that I send my child to the group and want him to have private education because I want to fit in - whereas I bought him the playstation because he had been wanting one for a year and having it helped him have more fun with friends, I sent him for the group to make new friends and complement the language learning he gets at school and I am considering private education because I want him to have the best schooling that I can afford and see appropriate.

I don't have to justify my choices because there is nothing wrong with them. I did not write that I had maxed out credit cards in order to afford my lifestyle and that I was grieving about my son not having a pony. Yet somehow I ended up explaining myself over and over again. I know I have problems but not the ones you are attributing to me.

Thanks again for your time.

Despera

Apologies everyone, I feel bad about launching in this discussion which must be quite embarrassing to read, after everyone has been so supportive and generous with their time and advice trying to help me. I truly appreciate it a lot.

MrsAtobe

Despera wrote: »

Thank you. I kind of thought it is OK for both parents to work full-time and have children at the same time. So I guess it is about balancing.

Have you read the book "I don't know how she does it"?

It is all about balance, but at the moment you are very heavily weighted on the work side. The problem is that you are working two jobs, one of which is full time. If I can be very blunt with you, is it really worth you being so exhausted and stressed? Only you can truly answer that question. A lot of the posters here have asked you to consider taking some time out, I think you really need to take some timeto start enjoying yourself and life again.

Another question, when you do take time off, do you get ill?

Who's the book by? I haven't read it, is it any good?

FBaby

Gigervamp wrote: »

I really don't understand people who have children, then insist that the children must have the best of everything, so work all the hours under the sun and moon in order to pay for *the best* when the really best thing for those children is quality time spent with their parents.

Children are only children for such a very short time and they don't need holidays in florida, private education and all the other trappings that *the Jones'* have.
What they NEED, is a parents undivided attention. Time to take them to the park, bake cakes, go splashing in puddles and days out at the seaside.

OP, you have your values and priorities wrong. There has been a lot of very good advice given to you, I really hope you take it, for the sake of your health and especially for the sake of your children.

Although I don't disagree in essence with this post, i think there are a lot of misconceptions about it.

If I speak for myself, my kids are far from spoilt. As I stated in my post, I shop for them at Tesco, they only do one activity each a week, I am refusing to pay for private schools because we are lucky that we have good schools in our catchment area even though my daughter would have received a good scolarship. I do aspire the best for them, but I bring up my kids with the value that best doesn't mean more expensive.

In regards to quality time, I do totally agree, however, I do not believe that those who work full-time are systematically giving their children less of it than some SAHM. As a matter of fact, there is even more of an incentive to make any time together quality time. I do spend good quality time with my kids, what is different is that I am normally so shattered that I, ME, do enjoy it as much as I do when I am well rested.

My comment about resenting SAHM didn't come across well. I don't resent them, I envy them! Saying that, I do appreciate that being a good SAHM can be exhausting too especially with young children if you don't get any time for yourself either.

I also would like to point out that if children miss out from not spending as much quality time with their mum, they also gain some benefits from having a tired mum.... they become much more autonomous at a younger age. They also learn self-discipline must quicker. My kids are 8 and 11, and there are incredibly independent and that makes them confident children. They get ready in the mornings leaving at 7:15 without me having to tell them what to do or help them. Similarly in the evenings, I don't have to pester them to do their homework or to go and shower. They get on with it, so in essence, I might be spending less quality time with them, but I also find myself spending less time telling them off, nagging or worse, screaming at them.

There are no perfect/unperfect mums, SAH or working FT, but I was just trying to illustrate that NO, the children of long hours working tired mums are not always children hard done by suffering from it.

Saying that I totally agree with the statement about the fact that they grow too quickly

sunshine_1988

Hello OP

I have steadily read your posts and would like to comment.

Firstly - you sound so down, take some time to look at your lifestyle, maybe see a doctor. You need to be careful you dont spiral into depression, if you arent there already.

Seondly - you say you have one holiday a year to your in laws. How long do you go for? You and your husband have well paid jobs, I imagine you are entitled to a good amount of annual leave. Why not use it and have a holiday abroad like you want? Surely your husband will accept that, after all, your other holiday is to see his parents so I am sure he would compromise. Spend some of your disposable income on a second holiday, why not? You sound like you both work hard and you can afford it.

Thirdly - I work in a LA, in a very busy directorate. I see people every day, the same faces who arrive at 7am and wont get home until 8pm, on thier 70K+ salaries. I see the faces who arrive at 9 and leave at 5 on thier 18K salaries. I ask myself - who is happier, who sees thier families more? Its the people on lower salaries every time. Why dont you drop one of your jobs? You seem like you have a lot of skills, these wont disappear. Could you not pick it up again in 5 or 6 years time? Spend a few years enjoying what you worked for, you are fortunate to have it and you clearly need a break.

Finally - if you dont want to give up a job, you work in a big organisation. Check the policies, see if they may offer you a workbreak or see your HR guys, they wont want to see you suffer and are there to help.

I hope you get things sorted. Talk to your husband or a close friend. One last thing I will say, life is so precious, live everyday as if it was your last and dont have any regrets. You dont want to end up regretting busting a gut everyday of your working life, and not seeing your children growing up.

Take care xx

Rockporkchop

MrsAtobe wrote: »

Another question, when you do take time off, do you get ill?

MrsAtobe, can I ask why you asked the OP this? Very curious as it's something that happens to me without fail whenever I have time off. Thanks.

PS I believe the OP is referring to the book "I don't know how she does it" by Allison Pearson, it's quite old now but is laugh out loud funny. It's not entirely realistic though as the "heroine" has got a full time staff and a helpful husband! I must dig it out again.

MrsAtobe

Third time of trying to reply!

Rockporkchop, I recently attended a lunchtime seminar on managing stress, and it was mentioned that this was a clear sign that you are taking too much on. The way it was explained was that you cash cheques on your body inbetween holidays, and if you take too much, this is your body's way of making you pay back with interest! I have had to learn notvto push myself too hard, which isn't easy, I am very driven.

Thanks for the info ahout the book, I'll keep an eye out for it.