Feeling rich and lost...

blue_monkey_2

Despera wrote: »

Well, you don't know that.

I mix with people with children of the same age as mine, ones I have known for years, since post-natal classes and playgroups; people whose children are my son's and my daughter's class-mates so I cannot choose other ones. And they are very lovely people too.

So why are you happy not to be one of those too?

Is a lot of this is coming from your work? That you are mixing with people who 'have it all'.

We all have wobbles but if you start feeling like a failure before you have even started, you are not going to be able to better yourself.

I hope you manage to work it out soon.

Got to walk the dogs now. Since droipping the kids at school I've done some washing, caught up with work (I am self employed) will walk the dogs, played marriage councillor, been to slimming world (eaten too many crisps and chocolate because I lost 3.5 lbs - LOL, naughty me) been shopping, answered some emails and wasted (too much) time on here. We do not have much, we will never have our own house but I am content and I hope my children are.

We have a new car, we have a huge house (it is HA but you would never tell as we look after it, cold callers are always surprised as the rest are private) we have just come back from DLP (5th visit), we are going to Butlins soon for a week, will be going to Florida for Easter (have just come back too) and might go to DLP for New Year. On the outside we are one the of people you 'envy'. But we are frugal and want our kids to have memories of these forever. I don;t want them to remember me being too work to want to see them off to school or tuck them into bed. We do not have nights out, fancy clothes, kids do not do endless after school clubs or coniema trips. But we are happy and we have enough to live on and go on these holidays. We got the car when my husband got a windfall. Things are not everything they are on the outside. Any desgner clothes have usually come from Ebay.

Yet you have so much more than me and you are not. Should I feel a failure? Because I really do not. I something feel envy when I know my friends have something to leave their kids, but they are not always happy, they do not have holidays like we have. Happiness can not be gauged on what others have, it is how you feel inside.

Do you have a holiday booked for the summer so you can have a break? All of you, as a family?

[Deleted User]

I think u need to see that you are on a no winner with the aspirations.., and there's a lot to be said about home tutoring. I do it a lot with my older son.., and we each gain from it. I'd rather spend valuable time with my son than pay outrageous fees so someone else can do it. It also lets your children know YOU want to spend time with them, in a very direct way. They are surely the reason u have a family????? Isn't that why we decide to be parents.., so we can have the joy of moulding our children, watching them grow and become more confident. I know how my son feels about the extra home tutoring I do with him.., he really appreciates it. Makes him feel important and it is helping him with his GCSE's.

Could u also look to going up in the roof in the house you are in right now.., refurbishing the house u are in presently rather than moving to an even more expensive house, perpetuating the aspiration myth (u have already indicated the move will not actually make u any happier).., save some money and so enabling u to spend more time with your kids cause there is no need to earn the money u are presently working all hours to earn.

Decide what's important.., if u need challenge.., try and change it from earning money which u are already experiencing doesn't really make u feel like you are 'there' (i.e. where u want to be in your head) because 'there' is always out somewhere in front of you.., that's the definition of aspirations. And as you are experiencing.., it's not something u can acheive.., aspirations are making u unhappy.., not happier.

And meanwhile, u have little time to enjoy having your kids around. Playing ball with them, hearing them laugh, knowing u made them laugh.., costs nothing. And believe you me, its a way of feeling very happy.

Have you called a family conference.., finding out what everyone wants.., your children included and maybe using that as a guage to decide whether your family is 'successful' or not.., and if anything needs to be changed. There may well be easier ways to feel happy and successful than the path u are following right now.

I am not saying you SHOULD do any of this.., but maybe if the way your life is now is not making u feel happy.., and you are asking question as to why.., its time to try something different. At the moment i see you saying u are unhappy, that u don't understand really why as you earn loads etc, but you are also refusing to look at the options in a serious way. I don't mean this is in a nasty way but either put up or shut up lol.., look at your life, decide if it makes u unhappy enough to change it.., or get used to it and live with it. Stressing like this isn't going to do anyone any good and its not going to achieve anything.

pod3

You asked for an external perspective yet you seem unwilling to listen or open yourself up to different possibilities or veiwpoints.

'Poor Kids' isn't about starving children in Africa - it's about children living here in the UK. Spend and hour of your life watching it - it may make you thankful for the choices you have.

I am assuming you are able to feed your children, that they have their own dry damp free rooms and you all have your health?

Being envious of what others have is never going to make you happy and will definitely make your own children feel inadequate. If you can't be happy with what you have (a lot!) then your children will never feel able to invite friends over and be proud of their home because in your eyes it's not anywhere as good as the houses you envy. What would you rather do - worry about the size of your living room or have the chance to chat and get to know your children's friends and the great times that come from knowing that you are there for them?

I know what I'd choose anytime!

Despera

blue_monkey wrote: »

Do you have a holiday booked for the summer so you can have a break? All of you, as a family?

Thank you for your post.

Yes, we are going to visit my OH's parents who live abroad. Not my ideal holiday but that's what we always do in summer for the sake of the children spending time with them.

If I were choosing, we would be sunbathing somewhere near the sea with not a single computer in sight. We have never been to sun holidays. By the way, my son is starting to want this too so hopefully the kids and I will get the majority of votes next summer.

Despera

pod3 wrote: »

You asked for an external perspective yet you seem unwilling to listen or open yourself up to different possibilities or veiwpoints.

On the opposite, I am reading all posts carefully and taking everything on board.

Thank you so much, everyone, for your feedback.

blue_monkey_2

Despera wrote: »

Thank you for your post.

Yes, we are going to visit my OH's parents who live abroad. Not my ideal holiday but that's what we always do in summer for the sake of the children spending time with them.

If I were choosing, we would be sunbathing somewhere near the sea with not a single computer in sight. We have never been to sun holidays. By the way, my son is starting to want this too so hopefully the kids and I will get the majority of votes next summer.

Then why don;t YOU go away with the children on your own? or halve a week with them and then drive somewhere and spend another week on your own.

I think the issue is having got stuck in a rut. A big fancy house is not going to change that.

The family conference idea is a good one. I would sit down with hubby first and speak to him, and then involve the children. Ask them if there is anything they would like to change about their lives. After all, everything you are doing is for them. If they are not happy and are gone at the age of 16 because you are not there to nice them, then it's all been pretty pointless and a waste of time.

Tropez

I live in a four bedroom detached bungalow. It is the cheapest house on the street. The others are worth £50-£100k more than mine. If I take a look at the cars parked in people's drives (often wondered why nobody seems to use their garages on this road) I can see three Mercedes, two BMWs, one Porsche, one Jaguar, two Audis and two Range Rovers. In my drive, if both my partner and I were here, would be parked two different types of Volkswagen.

Do you know how much this bothers me? Not a jot. Why would it? There will always be somebody out there richer than I am with more material things than I have or could afford but it doesn't matter because I am not about to judge my success or my adequacy by the lives of other people and really, nobody should. Not everything goes our way in life and not everybody gets exactly what they want and it doesn't mean that you're a success or a failure if your neighbour is driving a Porsche and you're in a Volkswagen. What matters is the things that cannot be replaced with cash such as your health and your family.

And with regards to money - it is always sensible to save some up but perhaps you should remember "If you work for a living, why do you kill yourself working?" - spend some of the money you've been saving on things you will enjoy and will relax you. It will make you feel better in the long run.

balletshoes

Despera wrote: »

Thank you for your post.

Yes, we are going to visit my OH's parents who live abroad. Not my ideal holiday but that's what we always do in summer for the sake of the children spending time with them.

If I were choosing, we would be sunbathing somewhere near the sea with not a single computer in sight. We have never been to sun holidays. By the way, my son is starting to want this too so hopefully the kids and I will get the majority of votes next summer.

my OHs family live overseas too, so when we arrange a family holiday to visit them (which isn't every year) we don't spend the whole time in their hometown - we book a week in a resort hotel not too far away (ie 3 or 4 hours away rather than a flight away) so we get the visiting done and have a sunshine holiday too, all in one.

princeofpounds

Can I ask OP, what sort of wealth did your family have growing up? Is this a case of not having much and trying to build it all up in one generation? Or is it a case of trying to match the level of your parents but with different incomes?

abacus73

The old saying 'money doesn't buy you happiness' is very true here isn't it. What it does currently buy you is the choices to make you happy.

What is really important to you OP? If someone granted you say 5 wishes what would they be and in what order. Does your husband have the same list?

Seriously you are in a very priviledged position compared to alot of people right now. But at the same time it comes at a price. The trick is getting the balance right financially and emotionally.

Ive been in your position. I had a highly paid job, but with it came huge commitments and restrictions on what I felt I could do with my time. My marriage fell apart and the stress we were under and the hours we worked contributed to this.

Long story short, I moved away to a new area. Got my kids into good schools and have spent the last 3 years re-training into a career I love, that means I will only have to work part time/term time. I have finally got the work/home life balance sorted.

You are a good mum with her kids best interests at heart. You sound intelligent and sensible. Allow yourself to plan the life you and your family could really enjoy and go after it is my advice. A huge pay packet cannot buy you quality of life, that comes from you being happy with your lot.