My friend family are controlling her - I need help please

blue_monkey_2

I wanted to update you all as you had spent time listening to me yesterday. I had my friend around for coffee this morning and asked what the heck had been going on with police, husband and family.

Basically her mother and sister took her away for the weekend - inviting her down there 'for a break', she had no car, they force fed her and then just kept on giving her alcohol - until she passed out, she could hear them laughing about it. When she was violetly ill they did not help clean her up, they just gave her more. They did not feed the kids all day Saturday until 9pm. The kids were terrified while they were all laughing.

On Monday the kids had a school trip, they told the kids it was cancelled and [my friend] was not going home - she demanded to be bought home and the kids went on their trip, this is when granny whipped them away so they could not speak to me (my friend told me she saw this happening, also that she realised that whe I was asking her question, her mother would jump in with the answers).

They have also: booked her an appointment with CAB to find out her rights, told her that her husband must not be allowed near the kids, that her life will be in danger if he comes near her, called numerous solicitors for her getting an appointment for a divorce and to sell the house, started looking for a flat in Essex. They have got her a new phone so her husband cannot contact her, they have wiped some contacts off her other phone.

When her husband found them at home (after being missing) he was banging the door to get in as they locked him out and the mother then called the police, the sister took the phone pretending to be her saying 'my life is in danger' and this is why the police where there. They took the kids school things so they could not go to school without her going and get them and the mother started unloading her car into her house (she had been shopping). The family has done this before, telling the police that her husband was holding a knife to her throat.

They had pretty much convinced her that her husband is 'obsessive and controlling' - and yes, she believed this and she had told me this but something did not seem right baout this - her life was too much her own but even I was having 2nd thought on this. This morning we have had a chat and I have told her what it is like to live with someone who is obsessive and controlling and having your own life (as she has) is not part of it. She does feel her husband is suffocating sometimes as he likes to do everything with her and she said sometimes she would like to go out on her own - she realises that this is not obsessive and controlling and she just feels a bit suffocated sometimes. Our husbands are pretty much identical to be honest and this is one of many reasons why we get along so well - we have to laugh about it and I think it is important, it's just part of being in a relationship. Maybe this is why we were made to be friends, so I could help her.

Last night was the final straw, she went shopping and when my friend went to get her things from her mothers, her mother started unpacking the car to get everything into her house and my friend said 'enough I am going home' her mother tried to stop her and she said no, she was going home. She then went home and the mother followed and said she had 'was going to cook her tea' and bought 2 ready meals with her. She finally kicked her mother out last night (she tried to get back in, she told her to f off) and sat in the bath and had time to reflect on things when she was on her own.

I asked if her husband had called and she said no, no calls or texts. Her mother and sister however have pretty much been calling non-stop - to the point where she has had to get a new phone. If the calls go unanswered they text. They did this this morning while she was with me - her husband has not contacted her at all. She has realised that THEY are the ones who are obsessive and controlling. They will not be happy until they have destroyed her and her marriage. The reason, I think, is jealousy. The things her husband told me that her mother has done, she admitted to me this morning have happened.

She said that on Thursday when she kicked him out he would not leave her alone. I explained that they have lived like this for the last 12 years and within 12 hours they were back together again. When she said 'get out' it was because she wanted some time on her own. He would go and then within a few hours it was sorted - this time when it had not happened he was confused and then got annoyed as she was ignoring him. And then she disappeared. I said that if my husband had done that he'd not see the light of day again!! It is human nature - but I told her that I had told him to leave her alone, to give her time and space to work things out in her head - and he has done that. He is not the problem.

What a mess. Her mother has made an appointment for her to go to CAB - her mother will go along and make the arrangements on her own, she said she is not going to any of the appointments as she has realised that her husband is not what they have made him out to be and she is happy when she is with him. She cannot think straight and they have taken over her life. This morning she was ANGRY and she has had enough. When she left she said she was off to speak to her husband. I have given her a key and told her she is welcome here any time day or night to get away from her mother, sister or husband if she needs to. We have a bed they can sleep in. Her sister or mother will not be welcome over the threshold - ever. And I will tell them to get lost if she cannot. I have said that it might be worthwhile seeing a solicitor to get a letter sent that says 'leave me alone or I will get an injunction'. She wants them to leave her alone but they will not.

She wants to go away for the weekend with her husband but her mother has 'warned her against this' and told her that is not what he wants, so she has belived this. I have told her that he told me it was what he wanted, and I have offered to have the kids for the weekend as they will be safe with me and the grandmother is not getting anywhere near them. I think she is worried that she might snatch them from the other grandparents.

The things her mother and sister have told her and done to her, are nothing short of disgusting and disgraceful, they ought to be ashamed of themselves for destroying this young girls life but they will not be, they feel nothing of the sort. The mother is a Jehovas Witness and if they smoke they are supposed to sit in this glass room in the corner as they have sinned but the mother will not do this as the rules do not apply to her.

Oh, and her sister already has a DATE lined up for her next week and is 'taking her out on the town'. Plus they have 'booked her a holiday' for the next few weeks so she can go clubbing, get drunk and find someone else.

The mother and daughter are as nutty as fruitcakes IMO and they are both mentally unstable and are trying to drag my friend down with them. When she said that she did not want more alcohol as she felt unwell, they offered to go and get her DRUGS instead!! I feel so angry for her but I am pleased that she has realised what is really going on - however, I have told her that she NEEDS to deal with this or they will do it again and again (this is not the first time either).

I feel so sorry for her husband living with this for the last 17 years. He has always told me that her family hate him but I never realised how much until this last week.

Many, many heartfelt thanks for listening to me again, I wanted to be sure to send the husband in the right direction but I do not think he will need it now. I want to be there for both of them because they are good together until her family start seeping their poison into their marriage.

If anyone has any advice on how my friend can get her mother and sister to back off, I'd be grateful. She is speaking but they are just not listening and will not leave her alone. I have told her that an injunction will be the only way if they really will not listen, is this correct. Thank you.

CH27

OMG:eek:
What a blooming mess!

Does your friend want to be with her husband?
If so they need to present a united front in telling mum & sister to naff off.

Errata

She doesn't have to let them in her house. She doesn't have to speak to them. She doesn't have to listen to them. Until she understands this her mother and sister will continue to rule her life and make decisions for her.

RacyRed

Errata wrote: »

She doesn't have to let them in her house. She doesn't have to speak to them. She doesn't have to listen to them. Until she understands this her mother and sister will continue to rule her life and make decisions for her.

This is exactly as it is.

Sounds as if it is time for her to choose now between her husband and kids or her stark raving bonkers mother and sister who have effectively kidnapped and abused her and her children!

:eek::eek::eek::eek:

blue_monkey_2

My friend told me this morning that if she went back with her husband her sister will not speak to her again as it is 'rubbing her face in it'. Last time the sisiter tried to split them up (the fake knife incident) her sister did not speak to them for 3 years - reaosn above!!

She has a bloody screw loose!!

I have told me friend she does need to deal with this, I think it needed to get this far to make her realise what they were doing - sadly.

I hope that this is the start of making things better for her, I have said whenever she needs me I'll be there and if she cannot get rid of her mother/sister then I will. I also think that next time they do this (and if she does not take action this time, they will do this again) I am going to - with the help of her husband - go to the police and report her being taken and kept against her will.

She told them 'leave me alone, you're killing me', but still they continue this relentless pursuit in getting her to get rid of her husband. Apparently he does not meet their standards - seeing as the mother has a husband who p!sses off to Thailand for whatever (rolleye smiley in here) then she has some standards to meet as you can imagine!! This has happened just as the husband has returned from Thailand again so I think that she could be taking it out on her daughter as she is easier to manipulate and punish.

Thank you all for listening and for your help. I appreciate that all my replies were long winded.

j.e.j.

:eek::eek:

I think it's a case of how legally to get the mother and sister to leave your friend alone, and also how your friend is going to manage psychologically to find the strength to push them away from her. They sound like very warped and screwed-up individuals. The Police ought to know about this..

It must be hard for your friend, because she's been brought up by them and so for many years this, for her, was normal behaviour!! (As kids we don't really question things, do we, - it's only when we get older)

It sounds a bit drastic, perhaps, but at some stage maybe your friend needs to move, with her family, to somewhere where these people can't find her. An injunction sounds like a good idea, too.

I'm sure she's grateful for your offer of help, too. She's lucky to have you as a friend.

RacyRed

An injunction, and also the police should be told that the sister impersonated your friend when making the complaint against the husband.

This is shocking :eek:

Errata

Y'know, it's just another version of domestic abuse. The victim has to want it to stop and do something that will stop it before anything can change. If they can't do that, then to them the benefits of a dysfunctional relationship outweigh the drawbacks.
Partners and friends can help and support in a case like this, but quite naturally they will be emotionally involved and have their own agendas. Some support/info/help/advice from the local domestic abuse unit would be pragmatic and clear sighted, especially as the police are involved already.

blue_monkey_2

I went up the school and my friend and her husband are together again.

However, while going to the school they were acosted by her mother and father in the street shouting loads of abuse at him, then the father followed her into the playground shouting at her. I've heard that the husband was hit on the back by the father.

I have suggested that if they come to her house tonight they call the police. This morning she had, in 2 hours, 15 missed calls on the landline. I've also suggested that they see a solicitor with a view to getting an injunction on the rest of the family.

I hope that this is the start of my friend and her husband getting her life together. They are all going away this weekend so they are not at home and n a few weeks time they are going away on their own. I have said that they need to talk about everything - and I mean everything - to get everything sorted and their lives back on track.

looby75

I couldn't just read and run

Wow well done to you for being such a good friend Bluemonkey, I'm glad your friend is back with her husband. I hope she will go back to the docs to get help with her eating and maybe some counselling to help deal with her nutcase of a family!