My friend family are controlling her - I need help please

blue_monkey_2

***I am going to update this on Page 2 because the situation is bad and it is more about if there is anything else I can do, thank you***

This is going to be long, I apologise but I really need to help my friend and I am not sure whather I can or what I can do.

She is married with 2 children.

She has always told me how much she despied her mother, she had not seen or spoken to her in 6 months and she seemed quite happy.

A few months back she stopped eating. It was over Easter that she started and in this time (2 months?) she has gone down to less than 6 stone. Last week she lost another 5 pounds. She has stopped doing pretty much anything in the house.

In the last week her mother has been around the house pretty much all the time. She has stopped walking the dog with me. She has kicked her husband out. She has dropped everything and went to Germany. She did some things out there that risked her life, she thought it was funny.

Last Thursday she kicked her husband out - the mother told him to go and that she hated her. She told me that he was possessive and did nothing for her. Now, as a couple, I know them both and I can say that he is nothing like this at all. I've always sat and said 'yes and no' but having been with a possessive man, the stuff that we do would never be allowed if he was so, I just let that go.

On Friday she never arrived as usual to get the children. To be honest I have worried about her all weekend. She turned up this morning with her mother in tow - and when we got to school there was a police car. She said it was there for her because her husband had been 'harrassing her'. She also said she had been somewhere all weekend. She took the children out of school (something she herself would NEVER do) and took their passports and disappeared.

Husband called the MIL on Sat and asked where they were to be told 'they are safe, do not try and contact them or go to the police'. He didn't. He said he nearly did this morning but that he could not do it.

Instead, they called the police on him and they sat at the school then went to see him and told him that his wife did not want to get him in any trouble.

Now I have sat on the fence until now but I have spoken to the husband this morning, he said he texted her twice to see where she was. They have been together 12 years. I know her, I know him and I know them as a couple. She is not right, she seems to be having some sort of breakdown. She is destroying her husband and her family will not let him near her to see the children, if he trys to see them they call the police. It has just got ridiculous.

She is so skinny that people up the school have been asking her if she is ill. I haved asked her about food, she toas told me that she tries to eat but talks herself out of it and she ate 2 pieces of pasta and was sick.

I am so worried. I said to her husband that I did not want to be seen talking to him in case the friend thinks I am 'taking sides' but actually now I do not care. He wants to help her and I want to help her but her mother is there, she will not let me speak to my friend. It's really hard to explain but if I talk to her, she just appears.

Can I help or is this way out of my depth? I've told the husband he needs to speak to CAB and a Solicitor in regards to his rights and seeing the girls. He has told the school that he is not to pick them up in any circumstances - yet she is allowed to take them out of school and just disappear off the face of the earth. If he tried to contact her the family call the police for harrassment. Is there any advice anyone can offer me that might have been in this situation? Or is there any advice I can offer him?

Her mother seems like a cult leader, she seems to have sucked her in, taken her away from all of her friends and makes her do stuff like this. I am really, very concerned for her wellbeing.

Sorry to prattle on. It has been a long weekend.

CH27

What exactly did the police say to her husband?

chocdonuty

Does the father have parental rights? If so then he is entitled to take the children out of school/pick them up if he wishes, regardless of what she has requested, although they may try to stop or stall him.
Personally in this case I would tell the husband to just go and get the kids, if the mother really is that seriously ill then the kids really don't need to witness it, they could also be in danger if she is of unstable mind.
She needs help from either her gp or social services, you can make the call, they may already be aware but from what you have witnessed something needs to be done and soon.

nottslass_2

Hi,


Trying to look at things from a different perspective,is there any possibility that her husband has been abusing her ? It Just seems strange that the police and school appear to be supporting her and not him - I'm no expert but would the police really sit outside school if there was no evidence against him ? If she kicked him out last Thursday,why hasn't he taken legal advise ?

I'm not doubting that there is also the possibility that there is something going on with your friends mother and if this is the case then perhaps it would be better if it appears that you are on her side and not his,at least that way you may get to see/speak to her alone

Can you text your friend and suggest that you pop round for a coffee ?




Just want to add that you sound like a lovely caring person.

LittleMissMPB

My first thoughts when reading this - and apologies if I'm wrong as I wouldn't wish this on anyone...

It sounds like the mother has developed some sort of illness - possibly an eating disorder? And the husband had tried to push her into getting help. She saw that as him being controlling and pushed him away, refusing any help. He loved her and tried even harder to get her help, and she eventually couldn't cope with it.

Tbh, if I was giving advice to the father, I would tell him to go and see a solicitor about getting custody of the children on the grounds of the mother being unwell. Schools and police always seem to support the mother if she says her ex-partner has been harrasing her, they rarely even listen to the other side of the story. It may be that she has been exaggerating things to the police even about when the dad tries to get in contact with the children.

Mojisola

He needs to get legal advice asap.

If she is having some kind of breakdown, perhaps he should also contact Social Services to say he's worried about the children. It can't be good for the children to see her not eating and behaving strangely.

blue_monkey_2

Thanks for replying everyone, I know my post is rather long - there is more but I thought I should just keep the most important bits in. I'll add replies to the questions over several posts.

The police sat up the school in their car - husband made no attempt to go there (he wouldn't anyway) and they went round his house as he was staying, literally, around the corner. They said that they could see she was very underweight but that his wife wanted to keep things amicable. He told that he did not understand why they were there. He said that his MIL, SIL and the police had told him that his marriage was over but he had not actually spoken to his wife since Thursday. Police have not taken any sides, there were no sirens. What I do not get is the police are far too busy to be responding to calls that the husband 'might' do something (I know this from experience) so something must have been said.

She told me that she had had 'a bit of a weekend' and that he had been harrassing and abusing her and had even reported her missing to the police. So they were 'there' for her.

To be fair, had my husband removed my kids from school without telling me, taken their passports and disappeared I'd be straight down the police station too - but he said when he had not heard anything by Saturday he called his MIL and she told him they were safe and not to contact the police (he wishes he had done this in hindsight).

Could he be abusing her? I have thought of this over and over this as I've been in an abusive relationship, is there something I have not missed. No. She has told me she has hit him before, she has thrown him out and he sleeps in his car (she thinks this is funny). Then an hour or the next day after throwing him out she will call and ask him to come home. No, I do not think so. If anything the other way around (sadly). I think this is about control though.

Half of the time she cannot even get out of bed in the morning to get the kids to school (hubby comes in from night shift and does it), she herself tells me that she cannot get up (probably due to lack of food!!) and has got up with 10 minutes before and dressed the kids and got them out of the door.

Why has he not taken legal advice yet? Because he is scared she will remove the children from the country - she has family abroad.

This has come from both her and him - the doctor said that if she does not eat then the doctor will have no alternative but to 'step in' (which I assume means sectioning her).

I have sent him to CAB this morning and told him to speak to a solicitor ASAP. He is worried he is going to lose the kids if he does not have much money to pay someone to fight for him.

The things my friend is doing, they are just not her and this is why I am worried. I spent the weekend worrying myself stupid she had done something stupid. I cannot explain it here because I appreciate none of you know her, but for a start, she would not just up and go anywhere and leave her kids (as she did the weekend before last).

I asked my friend for a coffee last week and she told me some things (about the eating and about what she did in Germany) but would she do so today - not without her mother, no. Her mother will not even let me talk to her on her own. It is just weird. Someone I just offloaded too suggested it was because I know too much about what has gone on with the mother so she does not want me asking what my friend is doing (and bringing her to her senses). But I do not know.

My head is spinning about what to do, she does not have anyone else other than her family - who she has always told me are poison and for months she has nothing to do with her - but they seem to be taking over her life and I cannot speak to her. They have done this before as well. The husband just seems to put up with this family treating him this way.

I think deep down I know where is nothing I can do and this makes me feel so sad inside, she is clearly in a lot of pain - as is her husband - who I have had here in tears while she laughs about nearly dying by doing something stupid and by not eating.

Hopefully he can be advised to remove the children from her temporarily. He does not want to split up with her, they do not need to be dragged all over the UK not knowing where their dad is and not being allowed to speak to him. It is not fair on them, and maybe it will be this that makes her seek some proper help.

Thank you.

pinkcandyflossprincess

do you think shes met someone else?

blue_monkey_2

About the eating-control issue. To be honest we have all be nagging her to eat. Husband, me, doctors - her sister and her friends were taking the mick out of her being so skinny and not eating in German but she could understand what they were saying. She told me this. It seems like they want to push her into an early grave with the mocking.

I've spent enough time with her to know that her husband is far from possessive and controlling - in fact I'd say the abuse was coming from her (but I have never told her this). Whenever her mum/sister used to call or come around she would then take it out on her husband (both him and her have told me this) so for whatever reason, she has issues with her mother that are very deep and she needs help with. Only while the mother is pulling the strings, she is not going to be able to get any help.

In all heonesty, when she did not appear after the half term. I thought she was in hospital or had even died from lack of eating - it really is that bad. I am just so sad about it. I want to be able to help, I guess I know I cannot.

go_cat

This to me says she is having a mental breakdown

sme of the behaviour is classic mental health breakdown e.g taking personal risks, controlling her eating

Will she seek medical advice off her own back?

blue_monkey_2

pinkcandyflossprincess wrote: »

do you think shes met someone else?

In all honesty, no.

She went to the docs to get help for the eating and her mother said 'the only problem she has is that she is in a bad marriage and she needs to get rid of him'. The doctor said he was not a marriage councillor. Mother would not let her speak to the doctors alone (again, from both sides at different times).

Seriously, her mother is like some weird cult leader. She will not speak to me, if I ask my friend a question, the mother is over to answer for her - even if it is for something like the weather. She freaks me out.